Bonnie's third paragraph includes a resume-like list of activities. Because this information will be listed elsewhere in your application, you will want to avoid repeating it in the personal statement. The personal statement should supplement the rest of the application; it should let the admissions committee know something about you that they wouldn't know from the other application materials. Write about an aspect of your life that reveals something important about yourself, something that cannot be understood in any other way.
But even with this list of accomplishments, Bonnie seems to be using every possible tool to undermine its impressiveness. Bonnie's presentation of herself is severely compromised by her language and choice of stories. In this paragraph, her use of cliché and colloquial language creates an unappealing image of a person who "creams" the "sissy computer nerd" and who has no other insight about her rejection from Harvard than that she "bounced back" by getting good grades at Dartmouth. An admissions committee is looking to weed people out of an applicant pool - don't provide them with their reasons to reject you. Don't use stories that show you being rejected from top-notch universities, or that reveal you acting like a petty and cruel human being.