Faith and Forgiveness
While I was home for the winter Holiday, I had the opportunity to spend a considerable amount of time with my girlfriend Carleigh and her family. In particular, I was able to spend a few wonderful days with Carleigh's grandmother, who is suffering from ALS, more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease. Over the course of these few days I sensed that my relationship with Nana was changing. It had grown into something richer and more meaningful. I'm not sure what prompted this change, but sitting with her while her husband unwrapped her presents, and watching the tears well up in her eyes as he put a pendant symbolizing Faith, Hope and Love around her neck, I felt torn. Should I leave the room and allow them to share a tender moment alone as a family, or should I do what every ounce of my being tells me I must and hug her?
On the final day before Carleigh left for India and I returned to Hanover, we were all sitting the kitchen table eating lunch. That morning, a card from the ALS Hope foundation had arrived informing the family that I had made a small donation in Nana's name. I had dedicated the donation to "Nancy Noone, the most remarkable woman I have ever known." Nana thanked me for my gift, and I said you're welcome. But after she thanked me and we went on with lunch, talking about college and India and savoring the last few hours we all had together, I noticed her staring at me with a gleam in her eye. I looked away sheepishly, wondering what I possibly could have done to deserve such an loving and appreciative gaze.
I wrestled for a few weeks with why the look on her face had made me feel so uncomfortable. The way I have come to understand it is that the look in her eyes said that she had placed her faith in me. Soon she would be gone and her oldest of three granddaughters, would be without her Nana. She was leaving Carleigh with me and that look said that she believed that this was a good thing. I would love her, support her, and take care of her, and I saw no doubt of that in Nana's eyes. This was quite unnerving. How had I earned the faith of such an amazing individual? Had my actions over the last three years truly justified the confidence she was placing in me now?
Faith is not something we earn easily. Oftentimes it is something we strive for. We want people to trust us, and when they do it often encourages us to act more responsibly. The strange paradox is that while we often strive to earn the trust and Faith of others, we often retreat once that faith is given. While it might encourage us to act more responsibly, it seems to have the opposite effect as well; prompting us to question ourselves and doubt whether we are worthy to carry this burden. What are we afraid of? Is it a fear that we will fail? Is it the belief that eventually this individual will come to believe that their trust was misplaced? If we let them down, will we ever be able to earn their trust again, or worse yet, trust ourselves with the faith of others?
While Faith or trust is often something that we have to earn, in other instances, Faith seems to come naturally. Like Richard discussed in his sermon a few weeks ago, a newborn does not need to be taught to trust in his or her parents to provide them with basic needs such as food, shelter, and love. While I have not yet had the privilege of having children of my own, I know from conversations with my own mother that the trust in a child's eye can be one of the most inspirational and terrifying experiences in the life of an adult.
I know that I often fail to measure up to the standards set for me, and sometimes I feel that the faith others have placed in me may have been misplaced. What seems hard is finding forgiveness, not necessarily from those we disappointed, but from ourselves. If we are unable to forgive ourselves, how will we ever feel confident in allowing others to Trust us?
When faced with these questions, I am prompted to look for guidance in scripture. After all, the Disciples put their faith in Christ. While they often doubted, they were willing to follow him on a strange and tragic journey. The individuals that Jesus healed also put their faith in Christ, and by their faith they were made whole again. The way Jesus handled the trust of others is instructive, but ultimately very difficult to emulate. After all, Jesus delivered the goods. Faith in Him can redeem our souls, and grant us a path to everlasting life. Faith in me gives a person very little comparatively. At some point, I will probably let you down: forget your birthday, come late to a meeting, or lie to save face. We don't really have a lot of examples of Christ failing to deliver on a promise or living up to his word.
There was the moment in the garden when he asked the Father to take the cup from his hands. In this brief moment of human frailty, Christ expressed a fear that we have all felt before. That the responsibility placed on his shoulders was too great a burden to bear. Then, In the midst of his crucifixion he cried out to the Father beseeching Him to forgive his tormenters; proving at once that he is both human and divine, and that there is forgiveness for those of us who fail.
The reading I selected for today speaks in a similar vein. That the assurance of Faith, "cleanses us from a guilty conscience and washes our body in pure water." The passage encourages us to "consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Thus, knowing our own fallibility, we must "continue to meet with one another" sharing in the assurance of our own salvation. It is this assurance of forgiveness that gives me the strength to accept the faith placed in me by others, not because I know I will fulfill every expectation in me or every promise I have made, but because I know, even in my failing, that I am truly forgiven.
