Lisa R. Thum, Assistant Dean of the College
March 3, 2005
The reading comes after Jesus asks God to feed the thousands with five loaves and two fish. Once fed, Jesus asks his disciplines to go by boat to the other side while he dismisses the crowds. Thereupon, he went to the mountain to pray alone. After time passed the boat was at some distance so Jesus walked on the water to them. Fear overtook them as they thought Jesus to be a ghost.
Matthew 14: 28-31
And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, bid me come to you on the water. He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus; but when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, "O man of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshipped him saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."
May Jesus speak through me during these remarks today.
Prior to grade school, my Aunt Donna took care of me while my parents both worked. I believe she had a strong influence in beginning my religious faith. Although I have evidence in my baby book to suggest she took me to church, I actually don't have any recollections of early church experiences.
But I do have memories of her talking to me about God, about nature, about good and bad-her storytelling was always entertaining. I vividly recall her one day showing me a newspaper photograph of a cloud that actually looked like the face of Jesus (as many of us have seen in the Bible stories we've read). She had this clipping posted above her buffet table until the day she died. As the years went by, I continued to visit my Aunt and would often stop to take yet another look at this photo, wondering again-
- How could a cloud take on this image?
- Is it God showing us a small miracle of the nature he created?
- Is it simply my imagination that conjures his image?
- Is it the mere suggestion that someone else saw his image?
Once I started grade school, my faith took on an eclectic background. Although my parents didn't attend church, many of my friends did. So, I attended many of the churches in our local area with my friends and their families: Church of the Nazareth, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, and Seventh Day Adventist to name the most prominent in my hometown at the time. During these times I recall thinking since there is one God-why all the choices? Why does one religious denomination think it better than another (this seemed contrary to what I understood God was saying)?
In high school I had numerous conversations with Patty, a friend of mine who was a devote Nazareth. She had gone to church with her family every Sunday and never seemed to question her beliefs. In some way, I wanted what I thought she had- a certainty in what she believed. And although since I can remember, I have always believed in God and never stopped believing, the questions surrounding my faith were always present. Yet whenever I asked questions to Patty, she would give simple answers like "that's just what I believe. I don't really know why."
At the time at least Patty's faith wasn't based on questions/doubts/wondering and I guess I've always wanted that but as I've gotten older I realize my questioning and doubts have actually strengthened my belief/faith in God. And that I am not alone and it isn't necessarily a bad thing to question/doubt. I guess I can relate well to the passage in Matthew when Peter was overcome by doubt while walking on the water. Personally, I've come to believe that the doubts surrounding my faith have and continue to be the impetuous for furthering my faith, not disregarding it or abandoning it.
Last month I attended a conference focused on leadership with the spirit. I had the occasion to meet many different people with a wide array of faiths, not all religious, some of whom instead considered themselves spiritual. One such person, Robert Nash, is a professor at the University of Vermont. In his recent work he has begun to teach courses on spirituality to college students.
In his book Spirituality, Ethics, Religion, and Teaching: A Professor's Journey" he comments: "A genuine faith must somehow find a way to wrestle with the demons of honest doubt. The objective is not to overcome doubt, because this is neither possible not desirable, but to fully incorporate it into any final declaration of belief and call to action." I identify wholeheartedly with how he describes the interface of faith and doubt.
In a book I read this summer by Desmond Tutu, God Has A Dream, Tutu says: "Just as we must have faith, we must always question our creeds and make sure that our beliefs bring us closer to God and to truth." Further, in the book he urges us to be thoughtful in how we read the Bible, reminding us that God used human beings in certain times and places to write the Bible. Tutu also suggests that "we seek truth wherever we find it",
In my undergraduate, graduate and years hence in working in higher education, I have met many people who rely solely on their reasoning mode, leading lives with their intellect. After all, the way to become educated is to question, to ask, to wonder. We are taught knowledge is power and without this power, what would become of us?
To an extent while this is good from an intellectual perspective, I have my doubts about an environment that seems to emphasize the "life of the mind" over the life of the heart and soul. A colleague of mine once told me that the more educated he became, the less he could believe in God so rather than become a minister as he had initially intended, he became a professor of religion.
I wonder how for some education causes more doubts and for others like me the questions help make the truth became more evident and my faith stronger. Possibly, the answer is found in First Corinthians 2, verses 14-16, "The natural man does not understand the things of the spirit because they are spiritually discerned. Your spirit knows things that your head does not know."
We're told to lay aside reasoning for we cannot find undying faith simply by using our intellectual powers If we choose this route solely, the answers that bring peace will never be revealed.
In a learning environment such as Dartmouth I see many students (in my role as a class dean) intellectualizing their emotions to the point that I worry they have become strangers even to themselves. So, if one's intellect can't provide the answers to the heart, it seems unfathomable to believe one's reasoning can discern the matters of our souls/spirit.
Yet for the past 25 years I believe that I have sought truths that surround my faith within this educational milieu. My career in higher education has, in many ways, provided me times:
- to look further within myself,
- to explore with others their faith,
- to see the wonders of science and nature,
- to delve into another's view of the world through literature or poetry,
- to realize not one academic discipline alone can answer life's most crucial questions,
- and to surround oneself with diverse peoples in an effort to increase my global understanding.
But, alas our life is more than facts, figures, and theories. I believe some of life's more compelling questions remain unanswered without some degree of suffering. I can't claim to have suffered greatly in my life yet, but I do know that I have learned much through the difficult and questioning times of loss. It is during these times that I have faced the demons of reasoning – what if,… if only…-why?... in the deaths of my parents and father-in-law, and the births of my children, my first born who has significant special needs and my second child who was born when I was 42.
To date, I consider the birth of my son my greatest leap of faith. After my daughter Alexia was born, I was struck by great fear when questioning whether or not expand our family further. Doubts haunted me-
- would we be able to give Alexia all she needed?
- would our marital relationship suffer?
- what would happen to us if we had another special needs child with as great or greater need?
- could we afford this risk financially, emotionally?
- what caused Alexia's inability to talk, to learn like others her age, to understand the world the way I did?
- why didn't her brain allow her to quickly know that she must put her tongue behind her front teeth to make to make the sound "t"?
- Why could others of us produce phonetic sounds without even thinking?
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Why? Why? WHY?
In our questioning of what to do, my partner Carl and I tried the intellectual/scientific approach by speaking with a variety of doctors- neurologists, pediatricians, geneticists, child development specialists... answers couldn't be found within the realm of medicine and the questions continued:
- Was it during the third trimester?
- The birthing process itself?
All the tests came out in the unspecified/ unknown realm of medicine/the 2% bracket. Biologically, I wondered too could it have been my age (37), my nutrition, and my own overall health.
No answers surfaced there, either. In reflection now, besides the external/intellectual inquiries, I tried not to think much about it or even talk that much about my true inner feelings/doubts.
Although I certainly had prayer and a belief of God in my life throughout these years, I think I kept myself too busy to really hear. As Parker Palmer states in his book "Let Your Life Speak", I was living my life "from the outside in, rather than inside out."
When Alexia was 3 years old, I had the unexpected opportunity to go to London with some Dartmouth students. While in London, I took a bus tour, getting off at different sites throughout the city. When the bus stopped at St. Patrick's Cathedral, my tour ended for I spent the last 2-3 hours in silence and in prayer. I can't really express how my faith overcame all my doubts but I felt an epiphany occurred for me. I somehow knew that if we had another child with special needs, God would give us the ability to deal.
In Fenton Johnson's article "Beyond Belief: A Skeptic Searches for an American Faith" he states: "Faith is first among the cardinal virtues because everything proceeds from it, including and especially love. Faith is the leap into the unknown and the entering into an action or a person knowing only that you will emerge changed, with no preconceptions of what that change will do." I can't explain it any other way but in prayer I believe my doubts were overridden by my faith in God. My head stopped leading and my faith took over.
I'll end by just telling a brief story about my children. One day while on vacation a couple years ago my daughter Alexia and son Austen were competing in a swim race. Alexia won. Although Austen is 4 ½ years her junior, he often found himself in the position of winning such competitions. Upon losing, he quickly dunked her and held her down a bit longer than I felt comfortable with. When I got to her and asked how she was, she replied, "That guy up there help me. I want him to be my Daddy." Astonished, I asked, "Alexia, do you mean God?" She gave an affirmative nod. This story might remind you of how Jesus says in Matthew 18, verses 3-4, "Truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."
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