es, we were once freshmen. And not only were we once the average freshmen, we were the ideal prototypical freshmen—drinking too much, studying too little, in some fruitless attempt to find our not-so-lost selves. So, as two people that lived life to its fullest (and hell, we still make freshmen mistakes), we thought that we would impart some “wisdom” from both our and our friends’ freshman careers.

TO DO

Rush the field during homecoming. Goddamnit, just do it.

Play pong. Give it a shot, even if you hate beer, drinking games, frat basements, plastic cups, and you lack any coordination.

Wake up at 9 AM on a Saturday morning of a holiday weekend to start drinking again. We promise, as painful as it is to get up, it’s totally worth it.

Play pong before Wednesday night meetings—houses might be closed during meetings, but the pre-meetings scene can be clutch.

Take shots while the upperclassmen are in meetings. Then go out and play pong again.

Play soccer in the rain.

Make friends with your custodians. We promise, they are some of the most important people on this campus.

Make friends with S&S officers. Trust us, they are also some of the most important people on this campus.

Take a Geography class. And an Art History class.

Take a class for the sole reason that you heard the professor was good, regardless of subject matter.

Use your freshman seminar to fulfill a distrib, not to explore a possible major.

Get to know your Dean.

Go out on a Tuesday night.

Go to the freshman snowball fight, even if it is in the middle of finals and you’re pulling an all-nighter and have a final at 8 AM.

Make out with as many people as you can in a night.

Wear crazy clothing out.

Make a slip and slide down the front lawn of Dartmouth Hall.

Pull an all-nighter in Novack. It’s an experience that you will never forget.

Try to take afternoon drill. Morning drill is very hard to sit through still drunk.

Make legitimate friends with those people in basements. We promise, they are more than just dudes with beer.

Stay in on a Saturday night. Watch a movie or spend legitimate time with someone you’re only an acquaintance with. You’ll get to know them better.

Work out in the winter; it will make you happier. Take a skiing P.E. Your instructors and patrollers are good people.

Take a walk through the snowfall at night. It’s a surreal experience.

Swim in the river. Naked, if you’re up for it.

Tell S&S that you are just stumbling because of the heels you are wearing. ( If you’re a guy, this goes on the don’t list.)

Pre-game with freshmen. Its one of the most important freshman bonding times.

Relax. Enjoy and embrace being a freshman. It is something nearly all of us miss.

Befriend townies.

Get a cushy library job.

Do something with the DOC. Anything. Just give it a shot.

Keep your laptop somewhere it can’t be peed on during the night. And lock your door on holiday weekends.

Write for the DFP.

NOT TO DO

End up naked on your common room floor.

When your friends hand your blacked-out, naked self some clothing, try to put the pajama pants on over your head. No matter how hard you try, they simply won’t go on that way.

Get so drunk that you miss the freshman sweep during Homecoming.

Get so drunk that you miss the bonfire.

Get so drunk that you don’t remember the bonfire.

Get so drunk that you boot and then pass out promptly after the bonfire and miss the Friday of your first Holiday weekend.

Hook up with too many people in the same house. They do talk.

Leave your underwear and ID at the river. When they are found together, that will be hard to explain.

Make the walk of shame home the morning after a formal in your formal dress. Or at least try to time it so that you walk back when everyone else is in a class, not when they are walking to class. Or try to borrow your date’s clothes—much better idea.

Pre-game a formal. Bbbbaaaadddddd idea.

Steal things and get caught.

Talk about how much you had to drink the night before. Honestly, we just don’t care. We’ll tolerate it slightly more than discussion of SAT scores, but either way, you’re bound to be labeled a tool.

Forget to wash your feet after a night at Psi U.

Forget to call your parents; they actually do care. And they might call S&S to check in on you if they get scared.

Trust Dick’s house.

Forget to check-in. You get fined!

Write for the Review. Or plagiarize. Both seriously diminish people’s respect for you.

Deny being drunk to S&S if you are dressed ludicrously for a theme party, reek of the “drink of choice” you spilled on yourself, or if you have a barely conscious friend attached to and hanging to your arm.

Say the word “ociffer”. Ever. The odds of your drunken self letting it slip to an officer… Well it’s just not worth the risk.

Ever even think about pulling a double all-nighter.

When an officer gracefully gives you the key you left in your door, after telling you to turn down the music and put the booze away, take more than five tries getting said key into your pocket.

Get so drunk you wake up with questions about “that fight you got in last night.” It sucks to have enemies at the places you go to get drunk. It sucks more when you don’t know who they are.

Try, in front of 300 people, that skateboard trick you suck at.

Scream, “Oh my God, I’m dying out my face,” when you fail at aforementioned skateboard trick and break your nose.

Send emails to important faculty and administrators while trashed.

Argue with your Dean about how the drug and alcohol policy doesn’t reflect students’ partying habits when trying to get your punishment reduced. Avoid, “C’mon, you’re telling me you didn’t do any of this in college?” and “Seriously lady, you’ve got no idea what goes on here.”

Don’t go to a class if you’re just going to fall asleep. Especially if you have a tendency to go slack when you pass out, and if there’s a chance you’ll slam your face into your laptop when you nod off.

Start calling your roommate pledge just because he won’t drink the warm Zhenka without a chaser. In general, try not to piss off roomies too much. Remember, when you leave the room, your toothbrush is still in the bathroom and you can’t protect it.

Start calling people by their first initials. Alright? Just don’t. It’s not cute. It’s fuckin’ lame.

Try to be the best ’13 pong player. You want to be skilled and impressive, not an alcoholic.