began researching this column by trying to discern exactly what percentage of the Dartmouth body is actually “single” compared to “in a relationship” and perhaps how many are smart asses in claiming “it’s complicated.” Facebook (as in facebook.com, dear H-Po and The Dartmouth) was no help.

Advanced search for people that are “single” produced over 500 results. Great. Thanks a lot. I then proceeded to attempt to search my friend group, assuming that it is a pretty diverse group of friends (hell, I’ve only rejected one friend request in my lifetime). Facebook doesn’t have this feature. At that point, I gave up.

Instead, based on an informal interview of my closest girlfriends, I will suggest that about 15%-30% of the Dartmouth population is “in a relationship” so to speak. If only 15-30% are “in a relationship” what in the world is the other 70-85% of the Dartmouth College population doing? You cannot tell me that the rest of the students are celibate, sitting at home with a chastity belt locked around their waist, saving themselves until marriage (no offense to those of you that are. Good job!).

Enter the hook-up. The perfect way for the Dartmouth student to avoid the emotional pitfalls of the D-plan, pong, the Greek scene, and passive students who are frankly too busy to pay attention to a relationship but still have certain needs. We’re at our sexual peak, after all!

The hook-up clearly exists beyond the Dartmouth College realm. That said, the hook-up culture is facilitated by the constant social movement perpetuated by D-plan. Rare is the match whose D-plans perfectly coincide, where one person won’t be gone shortly and the couple will not have to spend three, six, nine, or sometimes even twelve months apart. Dartmouth College hook-ups follow odd trajectories. It is as though we use the hook-up as the “real world’s” dating stage.

Rare is the Dartmouth relationship that doesn’t begin with a hook-up, be it a sloppy drunken kiss or something dryer. What happened to good old-fashioned courtship?

Dartmouth Courtship

Illustrated…Date 1:

Guy: Would you like to play pong?

Girl: Haha. I’m not supposed to be

drinking tonight, but this is my

fourth game so I’m not going to

be very good.

Guy: It’s OK. I’m super sweet.

We’ll be fine.

(Pong game continues. Girl is as awful as she suggests, guy and girl golden shrub but thankfully they are not at a house with penalty beers.)

Girl: I (hiccup) think (hiccup)

I should go home.

Guy: Let me walk you home to make

sure you don’t get picked up,

you seem really drunk.

More often than not, date number one is repeated to the point of a broken record. “Hey, come over and play pong tonight… let me walk you home.” But when is a hook-up a hook-up? When is it just the kiss?

The technical aspects of a hook-up are crucial in defining the level of intimacy. Physical and emotional aspects must be considered on a case-by-case basis in order to establish, was that a hook-up? Or just a kiss? Or something in between?

My old standard was below the belt action. Was there touching down below? If so, definitely a hook-up. More recently, from an esteemed friend, I heard the “horizontal” definition. Were your bodies horizontal for more than a minute? Definitely a hook-up. Passionate making out on the steps of Dartmouth Hall in the rain? Not a hook-up - vertical clothed bodies equals romantic moment.

Allow me to illustrate (again).

“Dear Ms. Strack, I just hooked up with a long term friend of mine. But I’m not sure if it was a hook-up or not. See, we know each other well but all we did was kiss. But the kiss, well, it took my breath away. He’s been acting just like normal lately, almost as though nothing happened. Then again, I met him after meetings and he was on his sixth game of pong. He tends to kiss me on my cheek, could he have maybe just slipped? Was it a hook-up? Sincerely, clearly lying to myself.”

Dear clearly lying to myself,

First of all, how long have you had feelings for your friend? If he’s a long term friend, you must have had these feelings for a while. A kiss while your friend is blacked out when he means to kiss you on the cheek and you subconsciously turn your head suggests that he does not have feelings for you but you do for him. Definitely NOT a hook-up.

“Clearly lying to myself’s” question brings up a crucial point—if a party does not remember the night, was it a hook-up? Well, fortunately or not this is a moment totally up to your discretion. Best bet, try to decipher from the other party what happened. If it was just a hook-up and you don’t plan on ever doing more than turning your head when you see them, chalk it up to a wild night, say you were both too drunk to do anything, and protect both yourself and the other person. Although it might be best to send a courtesy blitz, just to be polite. We do go to a small school after all, and unless they’re a total rando you’re bound to run into each other again.

“Dear Ms. Strack, I was hanging out last night and this guy found out that I had never been down to the river. He decided that I just “HAD” to see the river, and we went down to the river. Needless to say, we ended up naked making out until dawn and the crazy crew kids started to come back down to the river. We scrambled for our clothing, I was able to find everything but my underwear. Since there was no real purposeful touching down south, was it a hook-up? Technically we weren’t horizontal since the riverbank slopes down. Sincerely, wanna-be crunchy.”

Dear wanna-be crunchy,

Definitely a hook-up! The slope down to the river does not negate the fact that you were NAKED together. Naked = hook-up, touching or not.

P.S.: I found your underwear and strung it up the flagpole on the green. Black lace thong, awfully racy for a Thursday night!

Alas, perhaps the horizontal definition is not as clear-cut as it sounds. So allow me to say this as a disclaimer: naked equals hook-up; I don’t care if you’re vertical, horizontal, or upside down (hell, you never know).

Many girls at Dartmouth dislike the hook-up scene. Is it degrading towards women? Does exploiting your body for a night of unemotional physical pleasure signify some deeper self-esteem problem?

I firmly believe that the nature of the hook-up, and whether it is healthy for one’s personal life or not, has much more to do with how a person views the hook-up. Are you being honest with yourself about what your partner actually wants and desires? Are you forcing the relationship to a place that it is not meant to be?

A hook-up can be fun and physically fulfilling for a night. Rarely is a permanent hook-up-only relationship fulfilling, but there is nothing to prevent you from a few pleasure filled nights while you continue your search for Mr. Right, or someone to fill more than just a few.