Mammoths

Officer, I am innocent. The reason there are bits and pieces of human remains in my backpack and some others found in my room is very simple. It was the…

pen pal

Pen Pals With Benefits

Why ruin a close friendship with sex when you can just as easily ruin a long-distance one? Follow these steps to quickly turn that pen pal into a you-know-what buddy:…

Martha Stewart’s Inner Haiku Pre-Christmas Party

Bird in the oven Table set with many forks Time to rock this bitch Guests are on the way Rejecting Ina Garten They want my cookies Mastered phony smile And…

JACKO NEWS: Pseudo-intellectual baby pisses everyone off

Conflict has erupted at First Steps Daycare after Tyler Greene, 1, started to become a huge pain in the ass. “At first I was impressed, what with his extensive baby…

FROM THE ARCHIVES: The Whore Ex & Other Stories by Dr. Seuss

Doctor Theodor Seuss Geisel is rather widely known as being an illustrator and author of books for children, however what most people don’t know is that the content was actually…

The Man Who Confuses Stockings with Stalking

by Paulie Clawson ’13 It was January Thirteenth, I was home sick with the flu When some noises and ash fell from the chimney flue Someone on the roof was…

12 Uses for a Christmas Fruitcake

by Charlie Rafkin ’16 1. Insert into food processor; add myrtle; add 30 shots of absinthe; get fucked up. 2. Mold fruitcake into flip-flops for dorm bathroom. Nothing is quite…

Winter 2013 Issue Preview

Welcome to 13W! Here’s a preview of what we have in store:

Seltzer’s Secret Formula

To the American Public: I, Jonathan Seltzer, direct descendant of soda water pioneer Isaac Seltzer, believe the time for secrets is no longer. For two and a half centuries, my…