Lewis van Lewiston Breaks Up with Things

1. A Vacuum I really like you, Vacky. I really like you a lot. You’ve kept my life clean these past few years. I remember the first day we met…

Five Other Uses for Blood

The American Red Cross has long recognized that although it must maintain a consistent high demand for blood donations, it actually rarely uses any of the blood it collects. This…

Weaponry for the Homemaker

We’ve all been there. You have a lot of old artillery and torture devices just lying around between wars and you just can’t figure out what to do with them….

An Epistle From MC Poopy Pants

Yonder Listeners, Hi-ho! It be I, MC Poopy-Pants! I scribe to thee to inform of an upcoming jobbly-jank at the local discotheque. I is performing the most street-liest of jams…

An Occurrence at Omega Phi Fraternity

Portions of this story, as well as the entire premise, have been taken from Ambrose Bierce’s “An Occurence at Owl Creek Bridge Chapter I A young man stood in a…

Roberto Benigni Gives a Eulogy

Ho ho! Welcome, welcome! My friends! Please, sit. Stand. Dance if-a you please. Make love to the people. This is a day to celebrate, no? Today we must celebrate the…

7 Superbowl Parties for People Who Don’t Watch Football

The European Supplies: a good Merlot 1. Turn on the soccer match between Arsenal and Blackburn. 2. Do not turn on the Superbowl. 3. Occasionally comment on “that strange American…