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Ebola is an International Crisis and I’m Okay With That

The current Ebola epidemic has this nation scared. Television pundits cry out for someone to do something to stop this crisis. We can no longer ignore this issue and we…

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End of Frat Ban Allows ‘18s to be Denied Alcohol in More Locations

Last Monday, the end of the fraternity ban drastically expanded the social scene for the Class of 2018 by offering freshmen the freedom to be denied alcohol in more locations…

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Biology

Jenny, I am just going to come out and say it. I love you. I really do. I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t know what it is, but…

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Unanswered Questions

Hello Father.   It’s me again. I know that you’ve told me that whenever I am filled with doubt, I need only turn to the Bible and there I will…

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Dartmouth Family Not Pleased to Learn Their Tuition Payments Exclusively Financing FoCo Sidewalk

Losing all hope of seeing their hard-earned tuition payments go into training faculty members, reducing class sizes, or updating academic resources, the parents of Dartmouth senior Michelle Wang ’15 were…

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Jones Media Center Unveils New Porn Wing

The Jones Media Center has just unveiled its newest project: Jones Bones, an entire wing of the library devoted to adult videos. “We strive to be relevant to Dartmouth students,”…

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Rural Dictionary

1. Second base: composting   2. Group Jerk: dislodging a tractor from a ditch   3. Ass-fisting: disciplining a work mule   4. Double Penetration: planting two seeds in one…

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Residents of Triple Still Trying to Decide Which Roommate to Ostracize

As of this Monday, freshman triple residents Ali Stearns ’18, Taylor Murphy ’18, and Megan Rogers ’18 are still debating which of the three roommates should be awkwardly and conspicuously…