The Reluctant Pianist

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Peter Chang, the world-renowned pianist, sits on stage beneath a glowing spotlight in the center of the Metropolitan Opera’s stage. It’s a sold-out crowd, and they’re all here for him. He smiles nervously, and tightens his tie. Behind him, an … Continue reading

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A Typewriting Monkey Has an Existential Crisis

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Monkey Space-Time 112.367.793.0244 Didn’t get up today, as my ceaseless wakefulness prevents me from ever not being up. Sky was black, ground black, everything on the x, y, and z plane of the universe black. Only light was from work … Continue reading

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Rejected Subject Lines for My Gov 10 Survey Blitz

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Gov 10 Survey! NOT another Gov 10 Survey! DANCE PARTY (feat. Levels, Heart Vacancy, We Found Love) Free Parking Available for 12S Find a direction in life (any direction works) Dartmouth Daily Updates Free Arby’s in Novack tonight! (No donation … Continue reading

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April Fool’s Day and You

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What you did this April Fool’s Day –VS– What it says about you Duct-tape your roommate to a wall like a cocoon — You didn’t realize he secretly dressed up like a butterfly beforehand. Just wait… “Mom, I’m pregnant LOL!” … Continue reading

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Leaked Pledge Trainer Blitz

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Dear Prokaryotes, Welcome to your first week in the house. You heard the rules last night, but most of you were too drunk on vespitro to remember. So to review: All meals are eaten together. Your socks can’t match. You … Continue reading

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The Whore Ex & Other Stories by Dr. Seuss

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Doctor Theodor Seuss Geisel is rather widely known as being an illustrator and author of books for children, however what most people don’t know is that the content was actually adapted from stories about his first marriage that no one … Continue reading

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Meet The Dicktones!

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An Interview with the GOP

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In the fall of 2011, Dartmouth College hosted the prospective Republican Party candidates and attendees for a nationally televised debate. The Jack-O-Lantern had the privilege of interviewing three of the candidates. The following transcript of the footage, as yet untelevised … Continue reading

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The Beatles Make A Snow Penis

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by Matt Garczynski ’14 Penny Lane, Liverpool, 1968 Paul: Well, boys, here we are. John: Our old stomping grounds, as they say. George: It’s just as I remember it. Ringo: It’s just as I remember it. George: I just said … Continue reading

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Mac Ideas that Actually Hurt People

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by Nathanael Friday ’15  1. A real lightsaber app… you know that wouldn’t end well. 2. Built-in explosive for too many wrong password attempts. 3. Literally razor-thin edges. 4. The Siri iDriver. Follows Google Maps to the letter. 5. iHivemind … Continue reading

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