My New Year’s Resolution

by Matt Garczynski ’14 This is the year I will touch my toes. I know I have made this resolution before – seven years in a row, to be exact…

Joke Pirate

Impractical Animal Clothing

by Alex Procton ’15 Sweaters for centipedes Pants for octopuses Fingerless gloves for parakeets Pantsuits for iguanas Sweatbands for caribou Legwarmers for army ants Ski masks for rhinoceroses Cardigans for…

Neverheards

Things that you will NEVER hear around campus! by Matt Garczynski ’14 ’13 Psi U: “Fuck the gender binary, bro!” Philosophy Professor: “I encourage you all to pursue the exact…

How to Argue…

… with an obnoxious male author: 1. Construct an extended metaphor explaining why you are correct. 2. Claim that your metaphor is more extended than his dick ever will be….

Ham Sandwich Birthday Bus

The ham bus was fresh and its cargo was meat. Sesame seeds confettied the ground from the bun roof. Mayonnaise clouded the windows and a single leaf of lettuce floated…

Blind Date

At a fancy restaurant in Hanover (there are like two, pick one). A Girl and a Guy sit across from each other. The Girl peruses a menu carefully. The Guy…

Cool Designs for Socks

By Alex Procton ’15 With pictures of smaller socks on them With pictures of cats named “Socks” on them With speeches by famous orators on them With speeches by cult…

Canadians Invade Hanover!

By Alex Procton ’15 INT. FRAT HOUSE, NIGHT We open on BRET, a ’13, who is behind the bar in his crowded frat house, and JACK, a ’15, who wants…