What the Founding Fathers Really Would Have Wanted

Benjamin Franklin To declare every Wednesday “Whet Your Whistle* Wednesday” and make sure all children get equal opportunity to stick their fingers in outlets and wear lightning rods on their…

Five Things

Summer hits, hot on the heels of “Call Me Maybe” 1. Date Me Slightly 2. Kiss Me Vaguely 3. Finger Me Clumsily (Hand Puppet Hos) (ft. T-Pain) 4. Fuck Her…

New Keggy Shirts

In honor of Jim Henson and Alcohol, we’ve got new shirts! On sale this week in Novack.

Thinking with Benji Kessler

I’d like to get a full body tattoo of everything that’s behind me, cuz then I could always be invisible.

From the Long Lost Love of an Extreme Couponer

Roses are red; Violets are violet; I eat canned bread, And you stockpile it. I bought this ad space, On your receipt— I know it’s a place Your keen eyes…

The Swingin’ Sounds of Nazi Germany

This newly unearthed document suggests that American pop music of the 60s was a widespread and conscious effort to co-opt the music of the Third Reich, a theory long held…

Ode To a My Little Pony

Ode to Pinkles Pony of Spring Sky-wish I may, upon thou buttocks, Pony pink with long purple locks, Standing there, image on skin, And fly away with yonder equine kin….

Names For Our Band

A Band Pros: -Shows our reverence for the far superior The Band, who had every right to consider themselves the only musical collective. -Self-referential. I wouldn’t go so far as…

Thinking with Benji Kessler

Waffle irons are the opposite of regular irons, in that they give texture to something that is flat.

A Mariner’s Tale

I haven’t been wharfside. Nay, not since the storm. The storm done changed things, y’see. Done changed me. I want you t’listen close to my tale, boy. Because what that…