Five Things

Summer hits, hot on the heels of “Call Me Maybe” 1. Date Me Slightly 2. Kiss Me Vaguely 3. Finger Me Clumsily (Hand Puppet Hos) (ft. T-Pain) 4. Fuck Her…

New Keggy Shirts

In honor of Jim Henson and Alcohol, we’ve got new shirts! On sale this week in Novack.

Thinking with Benji Kessler

I’d like to get a full body tattoo of everything that’s behind me, cuz then I could always be invisible.

From the Long Lost Love of an Extreme Couponer

Roses are red; Violets are violet; I eat canned bread, And you stockpile it. I bought this ad space, On your receipt— I know it’s a place Your keen eyes…

The Swingin’ Sounds of Nazi Germany

This newly unearthed document suggests that American pop music of the 60s was a widespread and conscious effort to co-opt the music of the Third Reich, a theory long held…

Ode To a My Little Pony

Ode to Pinkles Pony of Spring Sky-wish I may, upon thou buttocks, Pony pink with long purple locks, Standing there, image on skin, And fly away with yonder equine kin….

Names For Our Band

A Band Pros: -Shows our reverence for the far superior The Band, who had every right to consider themselves the only musical collective. -Self-referential. I wouldn’t go so far as…

Thinking with Benji Kessler

Waffle irons are the opposite of regular irons, in that they give texture to something that is flat.

A Mariner’s Tale

I haven’t been wharfside. Nay, not since the storm. The storm done changed things, y’see. Done changed me. I want you t’listen close to my tale, boy. Because what that…

5 Things You Wished You Said To the Police

1) “Have you read any Marcel Proust? I’ve only read halfway through In Search of Lost Time, so I feel like that’s a really big gap in my literary knowledge—Oh…