The Reluctant Pianist

Peter Chang, the world-renowned pianist, sits on stage beneath a glowing spotlight in the center of the Metropolitan Opera’s stage. It’s a sold-out crowd, and they’re all here for him….

A Typewriting Monkey Has an Existential Crisis

Monkey Space-Time 112.367.793.0244 Didn’t get up today, as my ceaseless wakefulness prevents me from ever not being up. Sky was black, ground black, everything on the x, y, and z…

Rejected Subject Lines for My Gov 10 Survey Blitz

Gov 10 Survey! NOT another Gov 10 Survey! DANCE PARTY (feat. Levels, Heart Vacancy, We Found Love) Free Parking Available for 12S Find a direction in life (any direction works)…

April Fool’s Day and You

What you did this April Fool’s Day –VS– What it says about you Duct-tape your roommate to a wall like a cocoon — You didn’t realize he secretly dressed up…

pledge trainer

Leaked Pledge Trainer Blitz

Dear Prokaryotes, Welcome to your first week in the house. You heard the rules last night, but most of you were too drunk on vespitro to remember. So to review:…

An Interview with the GOP

In the fall of 2011, Dartmouth College hosted the prospective Republican Party candidates and attendees for a nationally televised debate. The Jack-O-Lantern had the privilege of interviewing three of the…

thebeatles

The Beatles Make A Snow Penis

by Matt Garczynski ’14 Penny Lane, Liverpool, 1968 Paul: Well, boys, here we are. John: Our old stomping grounds, as they say. George: It’s just as I remember it. Ringo:…

Mac Ideas that Actually Hurt People

by Nathanael Friday ’15  1. A real lightsaber app… you know that wouldn’t end well. 2. Built-in explosive for too many wrong password attempts. 3. Literally razor-thin edges. 4. The…

Wilderness DMT Training

Our longest and most demanding wilderness SPIRIT MEDICINE training…wait, it’s only been a half hour? Well damn. DID YOU KNOW YOU RELEASE DMT WHEN YOU DREAM? YOU DO. This INTENSIVE course…