Names For Our Band

A Band Pros: -Shows our reverence for the far superior The Band, who had every right to consider themselves the only musical collective. -Self-referential. I wouldn’t go so far as…

Thinking with Benji Kessler

Waffle irons are the opposite of regular irons, in that they give texture to something that is flat.

A Mariner’s Tale

I haven’t been wharfside. Nay, not since the storm. The storm done changed things, y’see. Done changed me. I want you t’listen close to my tale, boy. Because what that…

5 Things You Wished You Said To the Police

1) “Have you read any Marcel Proust? I’ve only read halfway through In Search of Lost Time, so I feel like that’s a really big gap in my literary knowledge—Oh…

Frommer’s Guide to The Friend Zone

The Park Set amidst the backdrop of leafless trees and an overcast sky, the park is a great place to remember that one moment you shared on the swing set…

The Reluctant Pianist

Peter Chang, the world-renowned pianist, sits on stage beneath a glowing spotlight in the center of the Metropolitan Opera’s stage. It’s a sold-out crowd, and they’re all here for him….

A Typewriting Monkey Has an Existential Crisis

Monkey Space-Time 112.367.793.0244 Didn’t get up today, as my ceaseless wakefulness prevents me from ever not being up. Sky was black, ground black, everything on the x, y, and z…

Rejected Subject Lines for My Gov 10 Survey Blitz

Gov 10 Survey! NOT another Gov 10 Survey! DANCE PARTY (feat. Levels, Heart Vacancy, We Found Love) Free Parking Available for 12S Find a direction in life (any direction works)…

April Fool’s Day and You

What you did this April Fool’s Day –VS– What it says about you Duct-tape your roommate to a wall like a cocoon — You didn’t realize he secretly dressed up…

pledge trainer

Leaked Pledge Trainer Blitz

Dear Prokaryotes, Welcome to your first week in the house. You heard the rules last night, but most of you were too drunk on vespitro to remember. So to review:…