Inspiring and Noteworthy Quotes From People With A Less-Than-Adequate Command of the English Language

“You already did good if you, like, tried to do it good but didn’t.” “The only way to get more better at something is to do it alot and alot…

Uncomfortable Crayon Colors

Gender-Ambivalent Mauve Domestic Abuse Rouge It’s-Probably-Syphilis Saffron Malignant Tumor Diagnosis Taupe Latino Immigrant Burnt Mahogany Colostomy Bag Chestnut Rejected-from-Yale Dartmouth Green Suicide Awareness Umber Bargain Bin Macaroni and Cheese Uncleared…

15 Beginner Guitar Songs That More Effectively Get You Laid Than “Wonderwall”

Wonderful Tonight – Eric Clapton Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer What a Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong Little Wonders – Rob Thomas 8th World Wonder – Kimberly…

How To Ooze Sex Appeal

People often ask me, “How do you look so effortless?” To be honest, I just don’t put in the slightest bit of effort! Just let the world see the Real…

Things Are Going Well

Dear Mom, I am writing this so you know that I’m still alive and doing well. College is great -classes are going well, but it’s a lot of work. Don’t…

Extree! Extree! New Issue Completed!

No One Wins In Actual Landslide! Dr. Seuss Still Dead! Kim Last Seen Jumping Train Westward With Briefcase Full Of Gold! These stories and more to come in our long-overdue…

Six Flags

My Advertising Campaign

Dear Six Flags Advertising Executives, You are likely already familiar with my work from prior portfolio submissions (I hope they weren’t lost in the mail) so I won’t waste time…

Competitive Leisure

In this dog-eat-dog, rat-racing world, there’s no time for not giving a shit. Let your blood pressure drop below 150/100 and you’re dead. There are people better than you. And…

On His Deathbed, the CEO of Vlasic Demands to Be Pickled

Anthony, Peter, comes closer. We’ve had a good run my boys, haven’t we? But it seems my time has come to its end. I don’t begrudge the Lord for taking…

Exclamations For The 21st Century

Great Steve Job’s Ghost! iCaramba! HuRay! Oy BluVay! Shiver Me Twitters! Dislike! My BabysitterBot Has Broken The First Fundamental Law Of Robotics And Is Smothering My Child! Fuck 2.0!