Keep the Gays Out of Your Dreams

Condemning homosexuality is a tough job that takes a lot out of me, so I need to make sure that I have the best possible rest in order to face…

man woman hands holding broken heart

I’m Not Breaking Up With You, I Just Don’t Want to See You Anymore

No, I swear, it’s not over. We’re just never going on another date. I promise, I’m not breaking up with you. Well did I say I’m breaking up with you?…

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Rejected Winter Carnival Themes

❄ Snow F’sho ❄ Cocaine Wonderland ❄ rICE ❄ Christmas In February ❄ Politically Correct Fairy Tales ❄ Nuclear Winter ❄ The Snowpranos ❄ Midterms! Midterms! Midterms! ❄ The People We Lost 2013 ❄ Covidien Corp….


How Is This Bag Full of Children Supposed To Fit Into My Workaday Lifestyle?

In this day and age, no one has time for kids, let alone a bag full of them. So how am I expected to keep to all my important calls,…


My Brooch Is Definitely Not A Microphone

Hey guys, sorry I’m late to our chapter of the Russian mafia’s weekly meeting on our illegal drug operations. Let’s start talking about all of the dates and locations of…


Universe Fails To Win Own Beauty Contest

Both the fashion and science worlds are in a hubbub since last week’s Miss Universe Pageant, which featured an unexpected guest—the universe itself. A late entry, the eponymous universe literally…


What I Love About My New Google Glass

I love my new Google Glass. It gives me the power to do anything with simple hands-free voice commands. It lets me surf the web on the go. It lets…


Message in a Bottle

Dear Reader, If, by some miracle, this letter has reached you intact, please heed the message herein. I am currently stranded on an island in the middle of the south…

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Derek (New Video!)

Sketch comedy? On the internet? Check out the world premiere of our very own Sketch Team Dartmouth.


❦ Read the Fall Issue

Check out our latest issue Autumn Lovin’   * Available now on Novack newsstands *  — Love Is All Around You, Dipshit by Charlie Laud The Hazing Seminar by Drew…