Birdwatcher-Watching: A Personal Guide

Ornitholology, or as it is commonly known, the study of the study of birds, has become a growing fad across the country. Thousands are flocking, pun intended, to whip out…

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Onstage Divorces Inspire Millions

In contrast to the Grammy’s mass-marriage event during Macklemore and Madonna’s joint performance, 36 divorces were finalized on stage last night at the lesser-known Gaffer Awards. The event was emotional,…


Rejected Charlie Brown Specials

A Charlie Brown Keg Party It’s Just a Drug Trip, Charlie Brown Breaking Charlie Brown You’re Depressed, Charlie Brown A Charlie Brown Paternity Test Come Out the Closet, Charlie Brown…


An Interview with the Man Who Can Only Speak in Questions

Me: How are you today, sir? Him: Fine. How are you? Me: Ha. I just made you not say a question. Him: Ok. Me: That wasn’t a question either. Him:…


Mommy, Look At The Silly Gunman

Mommy, look! Look at that silly man. He has a real silly coat on. You think he’s a detective? Or maybe even a wizard! Look at him frowning and drooling,…


Keep the Gays Out of Your Dreams

Condemning homosexuality is a tough job that takes a lot out of me, so I need to make sure that I have the best possible rest in order to face…

man woman hands holding broken heart

I’m Not Breaking Up With You, I Just Don’t Want to See You Anymore

No, I swear, it’s not over. We’re just never going on another date. I promise, I’m not breaking up with you. Well did I say I’m breaking up with you?…

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Rejected Winter Carnival Themes

❄ Snow F’sho ❄ Cocaine Wonderland ❄ rICE ❄ Christmas In February ❄ Politically Correct Fairy Tales ❄ Nuclear Winter ❄ The Snowpranos ❄ Midterms! Midterms! Midterms! ❄ The People We Lost 2013 ❄ Covidien Corp….


How Is This Bag Full of Children Supposed To Fit Into My Workaday Lifestyle?

In this day and age, no one has time for kids, let alone a bag full of them. So how am I expected to keep to all my important calls,…


My Brooch Is Definitely Not A Microphone

Hey guys, sorry I’m late to our chapter of the Russian mafia’s weekly meeting on our illegal drug operations. Let’s start talking about all of the dates and locations of…