Category Archives: Online

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Ted Cruz suspends campaign, descends to underworld

Following a crushing loss in Indiana, Senator Ted Cruz announced today that he will be suspending his campaign and returning to his home in the darkest corner of the underworld….

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Donald Trump rates Netflix Originals

Orange is the New Black This show would be much better if it only had the blonde one and the one who wears glasses but still looks hot. I don’t…

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Air Bud Diagnosed With CTE

The legal owners of beloved sports icon Buddy, known for his eponymous Air Bud documentaries, have released a statement that says the dog was found to have signs of chronic…

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Housing Communities Accidentally Sort Students by Race

Following the announcement of next year’s housing community placements, both students and faculty were surprised to discover that the clusters were almost entirely sorted by skin color. At eight o’clock…

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Movies Not To Watch With Your Parents This Spring Break

As spring break gets closer and closer, it’s time to start thinking about what you’ll be doing other than catching up on sleep. Sure, there are tons of lists about…

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Introducing the New IT System to the Company

Hi Enerva employees, today we begin the update of our IT system that system will help to move our company fully into the cloud while expanding our investment opportunities worldwide….

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You Said You Were Uncomfortable with Affection, but You Were Really Just Uncomfortable with Me

Sometimes the memories of our time together pop back into my head. I loved our date at the minigolf course, where you give me a surprise kiss after you shot a…

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All Frackets Found

Archaeologists excavating an ancient Mayan pyramid in the remote Nicaraguan jungle have found what they believe to be 8,743 frackets taken from Dartmouth College fraternities.   The treasure trove also…

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That Cute Girl From Your Geography Class Is Stealing Your Ribs

I’m just kidding.  But what if she was?   Hi, my name is Dick Crispit, and I’m here to look after your ribs.  Ever glance down at your chest and…

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How I Enjoyed Valentine’s Day as a Single Person Who Won the Lottery

I’ve been single for the last eight months, and it’s been pretty up and down. I love the freedom I’ve had to meet new people, but I was still a…