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How To Win Pinterest
January 20th, 2013
Within the next five years, find a man. He will be some form of Ryan Reynolds. You will woo him by leaving storybooks of your relationship, coupons for a toenail clipping, and a box of Frosted Flakes to let him know that you “cereasly” love him. This will work, because all men really do prefer scented candles with your picture on it to a lap dance.
Your wedding must include the following: Canopies. Lace. Satin. Tulle. Braids. Tiffany blue. Hair bows. Pumpkins. Cowboy boots. Black lights. Aquariums. Fake boobs. Cinderella references. Kate Middleton. Grass fields. Ocean views. Bacon.
He will whisk you away afterwards in the back of a pickup truck with tin cans hanging from the back to a ten thousand square foot home that is simultaneously located in Palm Beach, Rome, Dubai, and rural Horseheads, New York. There will still be canopies. Monogram everything and organize by size, color, and fiber content to easily identify when your maid steals something. Also, give her some dish soap for Christmas to let her know that you “Dawn’t want to live without her.” It will foster loyalty.
Cosmetics are no longer a means for minor self-improvement; they are to be treated as a form of both self-expression utility. This means your eyes should have hamburgers painted on the lids, and your nails should be shaped into all of the tools found in a Swiss Army knife.
Your child will refuse to eat and will likely contract polio unless you craft their food into other things. Veggie platters arranged to look like Elmo. Pancakes shaped into the endocrine system. Cheese cubes carved into Michaelangelo’s David.
It is insufficient to prepare any meal that does not have at least four modifiers for the main ingredient. Preferred words include cheesy, stuffed, buffalo, mini, savory, skinny, and Nutella. Even though you will have a fully stocked kitchen with perfectly good appliances, you will make your food in other random shit. Cupcakes in your microwave. Hashbrowns in your waffle maker. Salmon in your dishwasher. Find a way to make all of this vegan and gluten free.
Even with your gourmet cooking, you will maintain the abs of Jillian Michaels and the ass of Beyonce. You will do so by doing 10 jumping jacks, 10 burpees, 10 sit ups, and 10 push ups before every shower, because that is all it takes to be a “lean, mean, fat burning machine,” much like your George Foreman Grill.
When in doubt, you will no longer stress. Just take a Mason Jar, cover it in glitter, and hang up yet another “Keep Calm” poster. Perfection.
Martha Stewart’s Inner Haiku Pre-Christmas Party
January 13th, 2013
Time to rock this bitch
Bird in the oven
Table set with many forks
Time to rock this bitch
Guests are on the way
Rejecting Ina Garten
They want my cookies
Mastered phony smile
And the empty heartless laugh
Make them think I care
No record of jail
But the golden carving shanks
From my friend Large Marge
Michelle Obama
Will bring special homemade pie
Feed it to the dogs
Duck pate for all
Plus a chicken nugget meal
For that Bieber kid
Manilow carols
Annoyingly every year
Forgets he’s a Jew
Oprah and Tyra
Try to show each other up
My ego must win
Goody bags at exit
But just give fruitcakes to tools
Who don’t use coasters
I’m changing the world
Rescuing souls from Chili’s
True Christmas savior
Pop Music Haikus
September 30th, 2012
Made T-Swift’s career
But Beyonce’s still better
Bush hates black people
-Kanye West
I drummed so hardcore
Can no longer wipe my ass
Can’t make this shit up
-Phil Collins
Need glitter in eyes
Plus all those bottles of Jack
To make Jagger hot
-Ke$ha
Songs are annoying
But made bank off those sad dogs
Guess the joke’s on you
-Sarah MacLachlan
Who’s Chris Kirkpatrick?
He was a part of the group?
Wait, you’re not kidding?
-N*Sync
If I change my name
That will make me relevant
Finally beat Jay-Z
-Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy
Dale dale (yeah!)
Dale dale da (okay!)
Dale dale (hey!)
-Pitbull feat. Lil Jon
15 Beginner Guitar Songs That More Effectively Get You Laid Than “Wonderwall”
September 23rd, 2012
Wonderful Tonight – Eric Clapton
Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer
What a Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong
Little Wonders – Rob Thomas
8th World Wonder – Kimberly Locke
Makes Me Wonder – Maroon 5
Wonderful – Wicked (Original Cast Recording)
With a Little Help from My Friends (Theme from “The Wonder Years”) – Joe Cocker
I Wonder – Disney’s Sleeping Beauty
Walking in a Winter Wonderland – Various Recordings (but you’re probably best off emulating the Ozzy Osbourne and Jessica Simpson cover)
Harvey the Wonder Hamster – Weird Al Yankovic
Wonder What it Do – Snoop Dogg
I Wonder if Heaven’s Got a Ghetto – 2Pac
The Wonder Pets! – The Wonder Pets
Birthday Cake – Rihanna feat. Chris Brown
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