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    How To Win Pinterest

    January 20th, 2013

    Within the next five years, find a man. He will be some form of Ryan Reynolds. You will woo him by leaving storybooks of your relationship, coupons for a toenail clipping, and a box of Frosted Flakes to let him know that you “cereasly” love him. This will work, because all men really do prefer scented candles with your picture on it to a lap dance.

    Your wedding must include the following: Canopies. Lace. Satin. Tulle. Braids. Tiffany blue. Hair bows. Pumpkins. Cowboy boots. Black lights. Aquariums. Fake boobs. Cinderella references. Kate Middleton. Grass fields. Ocean views. Bacon.

    He will whisk you away afterwards in the back of a pickup truck with tin cans hanging from the back to a ten thousand square foot home that is simultaneously located in Palm Beach, Rome, Dubai, and rural Horseheads, New York. There will still be canopies. Monogram everything and organize by size, color, and fiber content to easily identify when your maid steals something. Also, give her some dish soap for Christmas to let her know that you “Dawn’t want to live without her.” It will foster loyalty.

    Cosmetics are no longer a means for minor self-improvement; they are to be treated as a form of both self-expression utility. This means your eyes should have hamburgers painted on the lids, and your nails should be shaped into all of the tools found in a Swiss Army knife.

    Your child will refuse to eat and will likely contract polio unless you craft their food into other things. Veggie platters arranged to look like Elmo. Pancakes shaped into the endocrine system. Cheese cubes carved into Michaelangelo’s David.

    It is insufficient to prepare any meal that does not have at least four modifiers for the main ingredient. Preferred words include cheesy, stuffed, buffalo, mini, savory, skinny, and Nutella. Even though you will have a fully stocked kitchen with perfectly good appliances, you will make your food in other random shit. Cupcakes in your microwave. Hashbrowns in your waffle maker. Salmon in your dishwasher.  Find a way to make all of this vegan and gluten free.

    Even with your gourmet cooking, you will maintain the abs of Jillian Michaels and the ass of Beyonce. You will do so by doing 10 jumping jacks, 10 burpees, 10 sit ups, and 10 push ups before every shower, because that is all it takes to be a “lean, mean, fat burning machine,” much like your George Foreman Grill.

    When in doubt, you will no longer stress. Just take a Mason Jar, cover it in glitter, and hang up yet another “Keep Calm” poster. Perfection.

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    Martha Stewart’s Inner Haiku Pre-Christmas Party

    January 13th, 2013

    Time to rock this bitch

    Bird in the oven
    Table set with many forks
    Time to rock this bitch

    Guests are on the way
    Rejecting Ina Garten
    They want my cookies

    Mastered phony smile
    And the empty heartless laugh
    Make them think I care

    No record of jail
    But the golden carving shanks
    From my friend Large Marge

    Michelle Obama
    Will bring special homemade pie
    Feed it to the dogs

    Duck pate for all
    Plus a chicken nugget meal
    For that Bieber kid

    Manilow carols
    Annoyingly every year
    Forgets he’s a Jew

    Oprah and Tyra
    Try to show each other up
    My ego must win

    Goody bags at exit
    But just give fruitcakes to tools
    Who don’t use coasters

    I’m changing the world
    Rescuing souls from Chili’s
    True Christmas savior

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    Pop Music Haikus

    September 30th, 2012

    Made T-Swift’s career

    But Beyonce’s still better

    Bush hates black people

    -Kanye West


    I drummed so hardcore

    Can no longer wipe my ass

    Can’t make this shit up

    -Phil Collins


    Need glitter in eyes

    Plus all those bottles of Jack

    To make Jagger hot



    Songs are annoying

    But made bank off those sad dogs

    Guess the joke’s on you

    -Sarah MacLachlan


    Who’s Chris Kirkpatrick?

    He was a part of the group?

    Wait, you’re not kidding?



    If I change my name

    That will make me relevant

    Finally beat Jay-Z

    -Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy


    Dale dale (yeah!)

    Dale dale da (okay!)

    Dale dale (hey!)

    -Pitbull feat. Lil Jon


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    15 Beginner Guitar Songs That More Effectively Get You Laid Than “Wonderwall”

    September 23rd, 2012

    Wonderful Tonight – Eric Clapton

    Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer

    What a Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong

    Little Wonders – Rob Thomas

    8th World Wonder – Kimberly Locke

    Makes Me Wonder – Maroon 5

    Wonderful – Wicked (Original Cast Recording)

    With a Little Help from My Friends (Theme from “The Wonder Years”) – Joe Cocker

    I Wonder – Disney’s Sleeping Beauty

    Walking in a Winter Wonderland – Various Recordings (but you’re probably best off emulating the Ozzy Osbourne and Jessica Simpson cover)

    Harvey the Wonder Hamster – Weird Al Yankovic

    Wonder What it Do – Snoop Dogg

    I Wonder if Heaven’s Got a Ghetto – 2Pac

    The Wonder Pets! – The Wonder Pets

    Birthday Cake – Rihanna feat. Chris Brown


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