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    Onstage Divorces Inspire Millions

    January 27th, 2014

    courtesy nydailynews.comIn contrast to the Grammy’s mass-marriage event during Macklemore and Madonna’s joint performance, 36 divorces were finalized on stage last night at the lesser-known Gaffer Awards. The event was emotional, reminding many that it’s time they all considered the beauty in suing that piece of shit they thanklessly cook, clean, and give the occasional reluctant blowjob to for everything he has.

    “There are so many of us who go by unnoticed!” said live divorcee Jane Stern, “We may only represent 49% of the country’s couples, but we’re a beautiful 49%, and we’re proud to share the ends of our sexless, toxic marriages with the hundreds of people watching the GAs.”

    Nominees and guests gave a standing ovation in support of the ceremonies, and the reviews were largely positive.

    “We couldn’t be happier about this,” said nominee Tim Steinberg, “It really feels like a step in the right direction for America.”

    Audience members could be seen tearing up, reminded of their own private pain regarding the adultery, verbal abuse, and lack of spontaneity they put up with year after year.

    ‘It reminded me that life is short, you know? We should all be able to express our lists of grievances and division of shared possessions with the world. It’s beautiful,’ said guest Mark Bradley. “Also,” he added, “my wife really sucks.”

    Conservative critics expressed concerns over the ceremonies “turning” their children into bitter, litigious 30 and 40-somethings, but were reminded that the official endorsement of a C-list celebrity meant that it was cool now, and that “resentment is resentment,” no matter who you choose to tear apart your shared years and children’s future attitude toward commitment with.

    -KS ’16

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    5 Ways To A Man’s Heart

    November 17th, 2013

    1) Go to med school, complete your residency, and perform open heart surgery

    2) Don’t go to med school, perform open heart surgery, get arrested, go to prison (and potentially stab someone in the chest)

    3) Acid

    4) Shrink to a microscopic size and enter via the nasal cavity, methodically making your way through the cardiovascular system to arrive at said heart

    5) Take a leap of faith. Move to a new city with nothing but your suitcases and an open mind. At your new job, be flirty and inviting. Meet a guy who’s cute and trust your instincts – let it blossom into something more meaningful than just “work friends.” Let him in, be vulnerable, let him see the real you. Then, as he peacefully drifts to sleep after hours of passionate lovemaking, stab him in the chest.

    -KS ’16


    Pick up our latest issue

    Autumn Lovin’

    Available now in Baker & Novack!

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    What the Fuck Is Jennifer Aniston?

    March 4th, 2013
    • anistonA custom sandwich
    • An unfamiliar word if you’ve never read a magazine or gone to a Vince Vaughn movie and/or been alive for more than a month
    • A Greek vegetable
    • An idea the government planted to make women feel bad about their arms
    • A clever anagram nickname for the late dictator Nne Rijen Jait Son
    • A super Greek vegetable that got a nose job
    • A late 1600s dance banned everywhere but Greece because of its damage to arm self-esteem
    • A gyro with a superbly lifelike wig
    -Kelsey Sipple ’16


    JACKO NEWS: Pseudo-intellectual baby pisses everyone off

    January 13th, 2013

    Pedestrian. That's what this book is.

    Conflict has erupted at First Steps Daycare after Tyler Greene, 1, started to become a huge pain in the ass. “At first I was impressed, what with his extensive baby sign language vocabulary and superior motor skills,” said Lulu, 1 ¾, “but now it’s just getting obnoxious.”

    According to an anonymous toddler, Greene regularly puts down those in the group who watch Baby Einstein, insisting that reading real Einstein proofs is the way to go. “I dabble in Baby Braille when evaluating theorems, since I’m not cognitively able to read English characters yet.” He went on to elaborate on how juice fasting really rejuvenates your chi (“you have to try it!”) and how Tchaikovksy is a “little too pedantic” for his taste.

    Greene’s attitude has clearly annoyed the entire First Steps community. Even after learning how to speak, some of the daycare’s clientele have reverted to old habits in defiance, refusing to communicate in anything but unintelligible gurgles.

    “Kljkwweeeeeeeeeeeeeguh,” commented Maria, 1 ½. Very compelling indeed.

    Experts assume this new way of speaking is a dialect shift in response to hyper-communicative babies such as Greene, but recommend that further studies should be performed to validate this hypothesis.

    Of course the expert is Greene. What a prick.

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    BullshART Floods the New York Art Scene

    October 7th, 2012

    Interactive performance art (nicknamed bullshART by the art world) is clearly on the rise. In June we felt the beginnings of the movement with Franklin Aucoin’s  “Wonderwall,” an early August piece installed in Brooklyn.  I got a chance to speak with Eli Jacobs, a young bullshARTophile, soon after he attended the event.  Clearly mid-revelation, Eli described the experience: “We just went over to this guy’s apartment and painted his living room a new shade of beige. It was wild.”

    Also influential was Monique Lablovska’s fall opener “Toxic,” where gallerygoers were blown away watching Monique’s little brother repeatedly dial Poison Control and claim it was a “wrong number.”

    The most notable of these young bullshARTists is Jake O’Leary, who started working just this year. I was lucky enough to attend a show of his in late August. Dressed in Hanes boxers and an oversized Giants jersey, O’Leary was seated on a couch in the middle of the gallery. He proceeded to eat salt and vinegar chips and drink Bud Light while watching ESPN for several hours. Safe to say I walked out of the show in tears, blissfully reeling from the several epiphanies I had about existence during the show’s duration.

    I ran into him at a nearby newsstand and he agreed to elaborate more on his artistic process:

    “At first I did it as a joke. I couldn’t believe that people paid me for this crap…. and now I’m kind of terrified – and trapped. They won’t let me do anything without calling it revolutionary and making me do it in front of the public! I shaved my beard into a chinstrap for an hour the other day – just as a joke, you know, to send a picture to my friends and see what they’d say – and somehow everyone knows and is calling it a ‘radical statement on capitalism’! Sometimes I wake up in a gallery and don’t even know how I got there – I’m pretty sure there’s some type of art mafia making sure I can never stop performing. Please make sure this gets published – I’m so desperate. Please.”

    A true visionary – even his personal interviews contain complex artistic subtext. Clearly he has a lot to say about Syria.


    Inspiring and Noteworthy Quotes From People With A Less-Than-Adequate Command of the English Language

    September 23rd, 2012

    “You already did good if you, like, tried to do it good but didn’t.”

    “The only way to get more better at something is to do it alot and alot so then you can get more better.”

    “The power of imaginashun makes us infinite because in you’re imaginashun you’re arms can be as long as infinity.”

    “U miss 100% of the shots you dont take bcuz your not throwing anything. If u throw one u might still miss so why even try.”

    “Its a small college and yet there r peepul who think its a dope college to go to college at.”

    “I think, their4 I’m.”

    “Shoot for the moon cuz then ur bullets won’t hit peoples face or other parts of there body.”





    How To Ooze Sex Appeal

    September 23rd, 2012

    People often ask me, “How do you look so effortless?” To be honest, I just don’t put in the slightest bit of effort! Just let the world see the Real You! Continue reading for my non-solution solutions to look your sexiest:

    1. Buy the cheapest makeup possible. When it runs or makes weird little eye boogers, you can say you were inspired by Kate Moss’ “heroin chic” look in the 90s. Smudged equals stylish! Now your wallet is pleasantly plumper, and you can buy that new bargain-priced shampoo you were eyeing – which brings me to my next point…
    2. If your hair is color-treated, do not use specialty shampoos or conditioners. With a cocktail of cheap hair products, you can finally achieve that lackluster, greenish tone you’ve always wanted.
    3. To amplify the wow factor, just don’t wash your hair. Natural, gunked-up dreads make you look carefree and eclectic! Fight the Man AND bad hair days as tiny insects make a home in your matted locks.
    4. Forget to shave your legs. To entice the endless parade of attractive men in my life, I like to give it at least a week, and then bust out my favorite shapeless shorts every time I take a jog around campus, ensuring that anyone and everyone can admire my shaggy gams.
    5. Refuse to wear contacts, even if you desperately need them. A constant squint is a dazzling look and helps develop a seductive air that drives men wild. Flatter them with your alluring up-and-downs of their tee shirt while you try to figure out what a Modest Mouse could be. I started practicing this glamorous expression at an early age (see right).
    6. Always wear a sports bra. Traditional bras are awful and don’t give you the eye-catching uni-boob you need to attract male attention. Put on a sports bra and strut through the halls; heads will turn at your quietly captivating lack of feminine shape.
    7. Get in a bike, canoe, playground, and/or hide-and-seek accident (I’ve done ‘em all!). Your partially porcelain tooth will provide just the right sparkle for photo ops with all of your new male friends! By shining separately, it makes people question, “What is her tooth made of?” – adding a seductive air of mystery.
    8. Upon contracting the typical fall-term cold, never blow your nose. Your sporadic sniffles act like a teasing signal: Hey, boys! I’m here – full of mucus and feminine allure! Cue swoons.
    9. Be lazy with cover-up. A zit peeking through is your skin’s way of winking!
    10. Don’t be fake. Make sure everyone knows when you’re grumpy, sick, and/or bloated. Groaning “I need Midol” is the mating call of the modern world.

    Being a real-life Heidi Klum isn’t hard at all! Just follow my ten simple steps and people will stop and stare when you walk down the street – they do at me all the time! So stand proudly, feel the wind in your pungent dreadlocks and embrace your glamorous future!