Name: Kimi

Posts by KBrown:

    FROM THE ARCHIVES: The Whore Ex & Other Stories by Dr. Seuss

    January 13th, 2013

    Doctor Theodor Seuss Geisel is rather widely known as being an illustrator and author of books for children, however what most people don’t know is that the content was actually adapted from stories about his first marriage that no one really knows about anymore. After marrying Helen Palmer, Dr. Seuss hid his original cover art under the cushions in one of the Jack-O-Lantern’s couches. They were uncovered when the current editors-in-chief were trying to hide weekly manuscripts about horse-fucking in the same location.

    Anyway, the Jack-O-Lantern is proud to reveal the original cover artwork for a selection of Dr. Seuss’ works.

    While The Lorax focuses on environmentalism, its origin, The Whore Ex, was originally about the dangers of not knowing that the woman you’re marrying is actually a cheating, selfish whore.

    Following The Whore Ex, Seuss went on to write about how his child with his first wife looked quite a bit like his neighbor, Sam Liam, in Our Kid Looks Looks Like Sam.

    Seuss then wrote How the Bitch Stole Christmas. The adaptation focuses on the true meaning of Christmas, but Seuss originally intended to describe how his ex-wife was able to make off with almost all of his money and possessions. While almost pulling a 180 on its presented priorities, Seuss’ wife was correct in that people would want to spend more money on a book that promotes social value, so he rewrote the ending so that the protagonist in How the Grinch Stole Christmas actually had a good heart. The bitch never actually gave shit back. Seuss didn’t think that she could actually feel bad.

    Taking a bit of a bitter turn, Seuss began writing and illustrating about his wife’s adulterous behavior. One Dick Two Dicks Red Dick Blue Dick described the variety of men and ways his wife cheated on him. He later adapted this into One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish, but didn’t need to change very much. Fish kind of look like dicks.

    Similarly, Seuss also wrote The Lawyer Fucked Her Too, because he did. With his adaptation of Horton Hears a Who, Seuss turned the lawyer into an elephant (because he was HUGE, amirite?), and made it so that the elephant was protecting someone for a good reason, and not just because that person knew how to roll her R’s with a full mouth.

    Seuss did acknowledge that he wasn’t totally passive following the betrayals and divorce, and wrote I Shat in Her Hat. This also depicts how he trashed her house, and was subsequently arrested. It was later adapted to The Cat in the Hat, which did not involve the Cat being arrested.

    Finally, the original cover of Seuss’ final piece, Oh, the Places You’ll Go! The original title for this piece, Fuck Bitches, Get Money, was apparently Seuss’ final piece of advice for young children. The title change only took place when the publishers and his wife got him all sorts of fucked up in order to obtain a signature.

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    Meet The Dicktones!

    March 18th, 2012












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    Five Other Uses for Blood

    February 17th, 2012

    The American Red Cross has long recognized that although it must maintain a consistent high demand for blood donations, it actually rarely uses any of the blood it collects. This policy is referred to “Just In Case Somebody’s Bleeding a Lot”. Rather, the combination of the blood it gathers from random sources, such as sidewalks and playground equipment, as well as the blood that is sent in from charitable donors tends to become overwhelming, so many initiatives for practical uses for the collected blood have begun and continue to this day. Five such uses are:

    1. Fertilizer for prestigious campuses.

    It has long been understood that the beautifully manicured campuses must maintain a higher quality of standard than the more common school grounds, and therefore, the products used on their lawns must be a grade higher than your joe-schmo manure fertilizers. Human blood has not only led to a lush and colorful crop of grass, it gives a whole new meaning to how the other people can serve the 1%.

    2. The Feed of the Internet.

    Let’s face it: 4chan doesn’t run on electricity. The required semen is collected separately, usually from sidewalks and playground equipment.

    3. Punishment for red haired children.

    Every time they do anything wrong, it inconveniences everyone else. Their red hair is generally kept its shade as a reminder of what they’ll get.

    4. Substitute for asbestos.

    Rather than risk this carcinogenic substance, scientists have found that human blood often provides a similar insulating properties because of its oxygen and iron. Businesses especially like that the government has not passed any regulations on the use of blood, despite the risk of AIDS and other blood-born contagions. I mean… Hey, it’s legal-ish.

    5. The Mosquito Gun

    The Department of Defense has been a significant source of funding for the American Red Cross, as it buys the excess blood in the development of the Mosquito Gun. This gun functions by coating targets in blood, and then releasing a shit ton of mosquitoes. This method has been found to be highly effective in disbanding protest groups comprised of anyone under the age of twenty-five and/or Brooklynites.

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    Why Dartmouth Has No Superheroes

    February 13th, 2012

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    The Queens of Cockblock

    January 24th, 2012

    Flaccid and flopping tiaras.

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