Posts by KWaclawski:

    April Fool’s Day and You

    April 1st, 2012

    What you did this April Fool’s Day –VS– What it says about you

    Duct-tape your roommate to a wall like a cocoon — You didn’t realize he secretly dressed up like a butterfly beforehand. Just wait…

    Mom, I’m pregnant LOL!” — Adulthood seems so far away to you.

    What’s April Fool’s Day? — You don’t live in the English-speaking world.

    Cover every surface of your friend’s entire room with post-it notes – You didn’t realize he wouldn’t care, and, oh god it’s been eight months and they’re still there…

    Oh shoot, it was April Fool’s Day?? — People post Slowpoke memes on your wall, and it hurts.

    Nothing. Duh. — You rarely like a band for more than about a month until they get too mainstream.

    Spend your time reading all of Kenny Baclawski’s old Jacko articles — Who are you? Where do you live?! I MUST KNOW

    Craft a gigantic alien spaceship, which levitates from the Green, causing mass panic, but then starts playing techno music and opens to reveal a huge April Fool’s Day banner — You have tons of free time, but only one day to show it!

    Enter your friend’s room while he’s away, fill it with completely with water, except, cleverly, his fishbowl, which is filled with air — The rules of physics appear not to apply to you.

    Totally insert a line into Kenny’s article without him realizing it — You must be the new editors-in-chief of the Jacko. [You're lucky I'm reading this piece of shit, Ken, let alone contributing to it.]

    Send a Get Well Soon card to your friend. When he reads it and asks you about it, explain that times goes backward today. Proceed to punch him in the face — You should probably just talk to him or get your anger issues checked out.

    Hnnnnnggggghhhh — Guys, I think Dave has a fishbone lodged in his esophagus.

    Hhhhhhnnnnngggggghhh — I dunno man, he’s probably just pranking us.

    Hnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggghhhhh — Are you sure? He looks like he’s in pain.

    Hhhhhhhhhnnnnnnhhhhggggggghhhhhhh — Dave, we’re sick and tired of your pranks!

    …… — Oh god, Dave’s not breathing. You guys killed him! You fucking killed Dave!!

    HHNNNNGGGGHHHH — AAAHHH DAVE’S A ZOMBIE

    Hundreds of zombies enter Dave’s house, leaving his friends defenseless and cornered. It wasn’t a fishbone at all, it was the onset of a new devastating virus – Well done, science, well done.

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    Carpets Attack!

    February 26th, 2012

    Quick Barbara, get out the old rug-beater! There's no time to explain!

    Ladies and gentlemen,

    Get your families to the local theater to see the latest installment of fear and terror. Take a seat in the red cushioned chairs, but don’t let your feet touch the ground, because this week, CARPETS ATTACK!

    In Quentin Quilter’s most terrifying film yet, Walter Wool-Blend and Barbara Berber star as a newlywed couple in a new house filled with lots of love and lots of new carpets. Walter finds an old book on the shelf. He opens it to a random page and reads aloud a strange mystical chant. Little does he know that this causes every carpet in the world to come alive and seek revenge for years of compression! Centuries of rug-beating! Eons of being stepped on!

    This movie will floor you!

    You won’t believe your own textiles!

    It’s dust-raising action!

    It’s wall-to-wall terror!

    BEAR-SKIN RUGS coming to life and eating people! RED CARPETS wrapping around and choking celebrities! DOORMATS flapping around angrily in the breeze! MAGIC CARPETS falling out of the sky! And SHAG CARPETS doing… doing unspeakable things to their owners.

    This time… The danger is in your own home… Right under your very feet…

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    Lewis van Lewiston Breaks Up with Things

    February 19th, 2012

    1. A Vacuum

    I really like you, Vacky. I really like you a lot. You’ve kept my life clean these past few years. I remember the first day we met at Sears. It was magical. The way you hummed when I pushed you back and forth across the floor. But now, you know what, things have just… things have just started sucking! You know what, you suck, Vacky. You suck loads! You suck like it’s your job. But it’s not just you, I suck too. I don’t know how to say this, Vacky, but I’ve been seeing a Roomba over at Sharper Image. It’s not as clingy as you, you dirtbag. It won’t drain money from my credit card like you do. It doesn’t have all that fucking baggage. This is it, Vacky, I’m leaving you out on the curb!!!

    2. His Own Echo

    I really like you, Echo. I liked you from the day we met. The lovely timbre of your voice — it was almost like mine! The way you didn’t say too much. The way you gently repeated things in that soothing voice. I remember the first night I spent with you in the cave. We talked to each other for hours on all sorts of things. But recently, I just haven’t been able to handle this long-distance relationship. Wherever I am, you are just that much farther away. I want to find you, but you never tell me where you are. You just respond “where you are.” And that’s not fucking true, Echo. You’re also self-centered. Whenever I try to talk to you, you just say your name like some kind of Pokemon. Who even does that?! Well, good-bye Echo. I’m seeing someone else now. I bought myself a tape recorder. Good-bye forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever…

    3. The Lobster on His Own Dinner Plate

    I really like you Lobstrina. I liked you from the minute I saw you. Your tanned red skin. Your cute black eyes staring back at me. Your delicious innards. Oh, Lobstrina, I can’t bear it! I was going to break up with you and start going out with the pan-seared tilapia, but I can’t! You mean too much to me! I want to stay with you forever, Lobstrina! Mmff. You’re so delicious, mmff mmm. I want you inside me, Lobstrina. Mmff. And I want you never to leave!

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    Awful MS Paint Comic: “Stop Sign”

    February 15th, 2012

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    Awful MS Paint Comic: “Hanging Out”

    February 13th, 2012

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    7 Superbowl Parties for People Who Don’t Watch Football

    February 5th, 2012

    The European
    Supplies: a good Merlot
    1. Turn on the soccer match between Arsenal and Blackburn.
    2. Do not turn on the Superbowl.
    3. Occasionally comment on “that strange American game” in between sips of the Merlot.

    The Mooch
    Supplies: hundreds of barbecue wings, catered sandwiches, and a keg of Budweiser, all bought by other people
    1. Your friend holds a party and invites dozens of people.
    2. Track down all the invitations and eat them.
    3. “Huh, you’re the only person who showed up, Randy. Well, we have all this food and nothing to do with it…
    4. Wait no, come back Randy, the first quarter isn’t even done yet!”
    5. Off to party #2…

    The Sad Uncle
    Supplies: lost dreams
    1. Your uncle starts talking about that time he was almost recruited by Ohio State as a quarterback, but at the last minute he injured his left shoulder in the big game.
    2. He takes a football and throws it across the room in a vain attempt to show he’s just as good as “that talentless hack Tom Brady.”
    3. It breaks a lamp. He falls over and sobs.
    4. The game isn’t even on.
    5. No one else is there.

    The Computer Scientist
    Supplies: Wikipedia
    1. Okay, what are we watching? The Superbowl? Oh okay, “The Super Bowl is the annual championship game of the National Football League (NFL), the highest level of professional American football in the United States, culminating a season that begins in the late summer of the previous calendar year.”
    2. What just happened? A touchdown? “A touchdown is a means of scoring in American and Canadian football. Whether running, passing, returning a kickoff or punt, or recovering a turnover, a team scores a touchdown by advancing the ball into the opponent’s end zone.”
    (several hours later)
    176. Whoa, check this out. “Lost-wax casting sometimes called by the French name of cire perdue (from the Latin cera perduta) is the process by which a metal (such as silver, gold, brass or bronze) sculpture is cast from an artist’s sculpture. Intricate works can be achieved by this method, primarily depending on the carver’s skills.”
    177. No wait, go back to History of Science in the Middle Ages.

    The Goddammit Randy
    Supplies: hundreds of barbecue wings, catered sandwiches, and a keg of Budweiser, your mooching friend Randy, several containers of laxatives
    1. Fill wings, sandwiches, and beer with heavy laxatives.
    2. Send a dozen invitations on rice paper to your friend Randy, so you know he’ll eat them and be the only person to show up.
    3. “Huh, you’re the only person who showed up, Randy. Well, we have all this food and nothing to do with it…
    4. Wait no, come back Randy, the first quarter isn’t even done yet!”

    The Hipster
    Supplies: arbitrary judgment
    1. Dude, why are you watching the Superbowl, that’s lame.
    2. Yeah it sucks, my mom is making me watch it so I can “experience popular culture for once.”

    3. You know, maybe watching the most popular thing to watch is in its own way retro.
    4. Yeah maybe… You know, this Madonna chick ain’t that bad.
    5. Yeah who is she? I haven’t heard of her.
    6. Look her up, is she popular?

    7. Oh, dammit. Never mind, this all sucks.

    The Wizard
    Supplies: friends who don’t know anything about football or Roman numerals, wizard robe, Tivo
    1. Bet money on the outcome of the game.
    2. Turn on last year’s Superbowl.
    3. Laugh when — WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE RANDY
    4. I think I’m gonna hurl… I — I feel sick…
    5. NO RANDY NOT ON MY WIZARD ROBE
    6. OH GODDAMMIT

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    A Guide to Starting an Online Chat

    January 22nd, 2012
    “Hello. I am a man.”

    The Internet can be a terrifying place. With all the pictures of cats and silly captions in broken English – see what I mean, TERRIFYING!!! If you start chatting anonymously with someone else, use this helpful guide to know what the other anonymous person is thinking about you.

    If you are chatting with a female:

    What You Say – What She Thinks

    Hello – Oh look, someone wants to talk to me.
    Any other form of hello
    – Oh look, someone wants to chat with me.

    If you are chatting with a male (regardless of your actual gender):

    What You Say – What He Thinks

    Hi – I am speaking to a girl, and she is definitely interested in me.
    Heyzzz
    – Man, I haven’t said anything to this girl yet, but she’s so into me
    Yo – Arrh, must be a female pirate.
    Howdy
    – Looks like we’ve got a cowgirl. Sexy.
    Hey bro – She appears to have an incest fetish. Hmm, I think I can work with this.
    ASL?
    – Why yes I do speak American Sign Language. We should get together sometime and practice… talking to each other, if you know what I mean.
    Hey there sweet cheeks!
    – This dame seems to be interested in Film Noir. Sexy.
    Where all the white women at?
    – She appears to be a lost white woman who has been separated from her sisters!
    Hello. I am a man
    . – Hmm, this girl named Aman seems to have misspelled her name.

    As you can see, it is difficult to get a male to think that you are in fact not a woman in anonymous chat. Even if you make this fact abundantly clear, they will still retain a slight hope that you are a woman who is tricking them and who is also interested in a relationship with them. Listed below are the three ways that best deter the aggressive male chatter:

    “My boner greets you from afar.”
    “Good day to you and also to my penis.”
    “Are all the women gone? Okay, let’s get to man business. First on the agenda: cat pictures.”

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    What Your Names For Your Grandparents Say About You

    January 15th, 2012

    Answers to the question “What do you call your grandparents?”

    Nana and Papa – You like things straightforward.

    Nonna and Nonno – You are Italian.

    Nannelli etti Peppacine – You think you are Italian.

    Naan and Popover – You have a cartoonish preoccupation with food.

    The ones who give me candy – You lie on surveys because you think you are funny.

    917-643-2720 – You read the question wrong.

    Whatever their first names are – You’re family isn’t really a hugging family.

    Grandma and Grandpa – This must be the “less cool” set of grandparents.

    Granny and Grampy – You still have a pen pal.

    Glammy and Grandude – You keep your grandparents up to date on your love life.

    Grammophone and Gramplifier – You don’t exist, but the rest of you wish you said that.

    Grand-ma-ma and Grand-pa-pa – You find it plausible that Santa Claus fits through your chimney and that poor people receive fewer presents because they are more naughty.

    Avus et Avia – Your best friend is a dictionary.

    NOONOO and POOPOO – You have a small object lodged in your esophagus.

    Bubbe and Zayde – This says nothing in particular about you. Nothing at all.

    Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Batman! – Talking to people in person is strange and difficult for you.

    NOONOOPOOFFHHHLLLL *cough* *cough* – You have a large object lodged in your esophagus.

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    How to Argue…

    November 20th, 2011

    … with an obnoxious male author:
    1. Construct an extended metaphor explaining why you are correct.
    2. Claim that your metaphor is more extended than his dick ever will be.

    …with an obnoxious author who uses extended metaphors to explain why they are correct:
    1. Replace “extended metaphor” with “distended metaphor.”

    …with Logictron, the evil logic-based cyborg:
    1. Distract it with simple riddles.
    2. Unplug it.

    …with an evil nemesis in a coma:
    1. Distract nurses with simple riddles.
    2. Unplug him.

    …with a college student:
    1. Unplug their laptop.
    2. Wait for the battery to die.
    3. Claim that everything you say is verified on Wikipedia.

    …with Logictron 2.0, the battery-powered evil logic-based cyborg:
    1. Be correct about something.
    2. Get along just fine.

    …with a college student who owns an iPhone:
    1. What, they have Wikipedia at all times?
    2. Fuck it, go get Logictron 2.0.

    …with a blender:
    1. Unplug it.
    2. What did I tell you about not being able to blend everything now, punk!?

    …with a battery-powered blender:
    1. LOGICTRON 2.0 SMASH DEVICE THAT CLAIM TO BLEND EVERYTHING. DID IT CONSIDER DIAMONDS OR OTHER HARD ROCKS HUH

    …with an article on how to argue with various things:
    1. What? Are you seriously arguing with me?
    2. Well you know what, you arguing with this article is like starving children arguing with the bread they receive. “Here, take this bread, it has nutrients.” “No, I dunno, this bread isn’t that funny, we don’t really want the bread.” That’s an extended metaphor, bitch.
    3. A “distended metaphor,” are you kidding me?!
    4. Logictron 2.0, get in here!
    Logictron: ERROR. LOGIC DOES NOT COMPUTE. LOGICTRON MUST SMASH READER OF… this… arctic…
    5. NOOO! You took the batteries out of Logictron! What kind of person are you?! Hey wait, what are you doing? Where are you going?
    6. You WHAT?! You unplugged my own grandmother’s life support?! You asshole! Oh god! Oh god! I can’t believe you…
    7. Now I’m sobbing… I’m sobbing in a corner next to my dead grandmother and my dead robot… Are you happy?
    8. Okay fine, this article isn’t funny or actual advice on how to argue with people… Fine… You didn’t have to be such a dick about it…

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    Blind Date

    November 13th, 2011

    At a fancy restaurant in Hanover (there are like two, pick one). A Girl and a Guy sit across from each other. The Girl peruses a menu carefully. The Guy holds one like a frisbee.

    GIRL
    I’m so glad we’re having a fancy date for once! It’s so hard to be romantic in Foco.

    GUY
    Cool, so this counts as a date? I mean… I’m paying for you, right?

    GIRL
    John, we’ve been going out for three years.

    GUY
    Sweet, cool, awesome.

    GIRL
    Are you okay?

    GUY
    Um, uh, sorry, I get antsy in restaurants. I say random things because I um… get nervous.

    A waitress walks up.

    WAITRESS
    Are you ready to order, you two?

    GUY
    MORE TIME! … MORE BREAD WE NEED MORE BREAD! WATER! WE NEED MORE WATER

    GIRL
    Calm down, John, christ! I’ll have the shrimp salad, please.

    WAITRESS
    And you, sir?

    GUY
    Steak! I’ll have the steak.

    WAITRESS
    And, how would you like it cooked?

    GUY
    Rare. Give me the rarest steak you can get your hands on. Albino Hungarian sheepmulebeef shank steak. Least common.

    He chuckles as he sweats profusely. She leans over.

    WAITRESS
    I’m sorry, what are you referring to?

    GUY
    I can totally see down your shirt right now.

    GIRL
    John, what the fuck!?

    GUY
    Well done! Far out! Uncommon!

    WAITRESS
    Excuse me, maybe you need a few more minutes!

    She exits in a huff.

    GUY
    I… I need to go to the bathroom.

    GIRL
    Oh, please do, asshole.

    He leaves.

    John walks in and sits down.

    JOHN
    Sorry I was in the bathroom so long, honey. Have you ordered yet? Do you need me to read the menu?

    GIRL
    No, it’s okay, they gave me a Braille copy.

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