Posts by Jacko:

    Bernie Sanders Resuscitated My Asthmatic Child, But I’m Still Voting for Hillary Clinton

    February 8th, 2016

       With the critical New Hampshire primary tomorrow, you can’t spend 5 minutes on the internet without stumbling into a passionate argument about whether Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders would be the most effective Democratic Presidential nominee. Like a lot of Democrats, I’m conflicted. I had a pretty personal experience with Bernie Sanders once, when my asthmatic daughter collapsed at one of his stadium-filling campaign rallies. Upon seeing Lizzie fall to the ground, Bernie immediately stopped talking, jumped down from the stage, and raced up 20 rows of seats to reach my unconscious child, where he expertly administered life-saving CPR, alternating between 30 compressions and 2 breaths to the beat of “Stayin Alive” by the Bee Gees. Nonetheless, I think Hillary’s 25 years on the national stage better qualify her to be president.

            Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly impressed by Sanders’ deep commitment to liberal principles years before they were politically expedient. As he personally drove my daughter and me to the hospital in his brown Honda CRV, he recounted the time he marched on Washington with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and then went on a solo cross-country journey to personally punch every racist in the American South. Upon returning from his pilgrimage, Sanders moved his whole family to the South Side of Chicago so that they might personally feel the deleterious effects of deindustrialization on urban minority communities. With his entire extended family housed in a one-room tenement apartment, Bernie and his children would give civics lessons on Sunday nights to drug dealers and at-risk youth. Sanders’ life story is almost too incredible to believe, but Hillary also worked to pass universal health care as First Lady.

            While Bernie and I sat together outside the hospital waiting room praying that Lizzie’s emergency double-transplant-pneumonectomy would take, Bernie described his concerns with the influence of money in politics. I really appreciated how Bernie funds his campaign by personally panhandling on weeknights outside the Burlington General Store. There’s nothing like being at one of his potluck rallies, where each of his 8,000 supporters brings in a potato salad, loaf of garlic bread, or a cookie cake to feed his starving campaign staff and share in the glorious bounty of Mother Earth. Watching Bernie step down from the unventilated yellow school bus in which he conducts his campaign to greet local orphans at the oncology ward brings a smile to my face every time. Still, money matters, and I can’t really blame Hillary for accepting speaking fees. It’s not like she’s denying climate change or anything.

    As the day to vote gets closer, I occasionally question my support for Hillary. Sanders supporters often tell me that I just need to dream bigger about what politicians can accomplish. Barack Obama didn’t deliver on his promise to alter political polarization, but Obama didn’t have Sanders’ ability to mind-trick Republican governors into accepting the Medicaid expansion. Unlike Sanders, Obama couldn’t sprout wings and fly across the seven seas preaching his message of peace, unity, and prosperity around the globe. Maybe Sanders really is the hope and change we sought 8 years ago. But even though Hillary can’t singlehandedly raise the soul of my dearly departed daughter up to heaven like Sanders can, she was the Secretary of State. And you know what? That’s pretty cool too.

    –AP ’19

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    Diary of a Wimpy Colonizer

    February 2nd, 2016

    Without exclamation points
    Panel 2

    Panel 3 Panel 4 – AO ’19 & DZ ’16

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    New Records from Rauner Reveal School Motto Actually Just Something a Sad Daniel Webster Wrote When His Girlfriend Dumped Him

    January 30th, 2016

    Newly-discovered writings of Daniel Webster suggest that he penned the Dartmouth motto while desperately trying to win back his girlfriend.

     

    Letters and telegrams sent by the Dartmouth-educated statesman were found in Rauner library last Friday. The documents had been misfiled in the rarely-visited “History of Alternative Social Spaces” section, where they sat untouched for over a century.

     

    The findings reveal that Webster met a woman named Betsy Williams at a mixer with Miss Manners’ Finishing School for Well-Behaved Ladies (now known as Cornell University). After playing a few games of croquet together, Webster asked Williams to waltz with him—and the rest is history.

     

    After that night, Webster sent Williams several telegrams revealing his feelings. The morning after their mixer, he wrote, “Hey that was fun last night STOP Let’s hang out again sometime soon”

     

    Williams seemed to be less invested in the relationship, responding, “Busy every night sad face”

     

    But Webster did not give up. In the following month, he sent Williams nearly thirty telegrams, with messages like “Need 1 for croquet” (sent just after midnight on a Friday) and “Moving picture and chill?” (sent at 3 a.m. on a Wednesday).

     

    Finally, Williams responded, saying that she wanted to “talk about where this relationship is going.” Webster suggested they meet at the BEMA after dark, hoping that he could catch a glimpse of her ankles to check off a Dartmouth 7 spot.

     

    But when Webster arrived at the BEMA, Williams wasn’t there. After a few hours, he began calling her name, thinking she may have gotten lost. At five in the morning, a despondent Webster sent one last telegram: “Where u at? Been yelling into the woods for hours! Come thru”

     

    Alas, Williams never showed up. Webster, heartbroken, sent a sub-telegram to all his friends, writing in Latin to add an air of mystery. It read, “Vox clamantis in deserto #imissher”

     

    The phrase caught on, as seemingly every Dartmouth student had experienced relationship issues: a scandalous ankle exposure, a foxtrot gone awry, an unanswered messenger pigeon. “Vox clamantis in deserto” became an integral part of the student lexicon, and was soon adopted as an official motto.

     

    As of press time, Webster was still waiting for Williams to telegram him back.

    LT ’19

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    Remote Control Tackling Dummy Checks into Rehab after fall from Stardom

    January 29th, 2016

    It was a brisk morning when a new patient was wheeled into the drug rehabilitation clinic at the upper valley wellness center and to any fans of Big Green football it was a recognizable face. It was the acclaimed concussion reducing tackling dummy, but he looked dilapidated, so far from his highs of the season.

    “The highs of the season were nuts,” admits the dummy at a interview outside of the clinic, “going undefeated at home, winning Ivies, smoking a fatty backstage with Steven Colbert and watching nine episodes of planet earth after I was on his show. But after the season ended, work dried up.” Unfortunately the dummy was only months old when this happened, “When partying is all you know it’s a hard thing to stop,” said the dummy who admitted to us that he was hooked on some pretty hard drugs. “I was built for one purpose, to reduce the risk of significant head injuries sustained at football practices, but at some point I found a new purpose, hookers and blow.” Initially he was able to sustain this lifestyle, but soon what little money he had left had all been wasted on street drugs. “I had to sell my body for drug money,” he admits. “I would take people into back alleys, take off my jersey, and for two dollars I would let them charge their iphones for as long as they wanted.”

    Third year engineering student Tim Charles, still holding the dummy’s controller, refused to comment.

    JR ’19

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    It Is I, the Movie Man Here to Talk About Movies

    January 29th, 2016

    Hello again, it is I the movie man here again on your tv screen to tell you about movies. Local news, entertainment news, talk show with multi cultural group of ladies, I’ll do them all; it matters not to me as long as I can impart my knowledge of the beauty of cinema straight to your face for upwards of five minutes.

     

    Of course I have to wear this kooky outfit, I am the movie man after all and this is only tradition. My outward appearance matters not as my real focus must be the moving pictures I watch and eagerly display my affection for or playfully admonish. Come! Let us begin!

     

    Witness this animated film for children. I saw it alone in a theater, I enjoyed it! It is certified family fun! Watch it with the whole family! Oooh but wait the next movie is even better – it’s a big blockbuster sequel. Look at the action in this clip, mmm yes we like this stuff. Lots of explosions, very cool. Mark Wahlberg in this? He sure is great.

     

    Strap in folks, cause this here next one’s another one of those neato drama period pieces. As the movie man it is my solemn duty to show you such important cinematic masterpieces. Please allow me to WILDLY SPECULATE for a moment. This will win an award. Maybe two. It was good.

     

    Oh, HO BOY boys and girls. This next one has got the man himself, Matty Mac, Mathew McConaughey to the uninitiated. See that true detective or interstellar? Wowie is all I can say. I seem to be spending a lot of time on this film. Do I have a weird obsession with McConaughey you must wonder? I am the movie man, I love who I love.

     

    Ah and here we are, the end of my time in front of your faces or as I like to call them, your movie receptors. We’ve shared some tantalizingly tittilating moments of movie magic together. Do not cry, for I will return again next week, stronger for having seen more movies. Alas I will bid you farewell, and pack up my overly large glasses. I sink back into the abyss, for when its not time to talk movies, the movie man must meld with the cinematic ether. Back to you Jim.

    JS ’16

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    Dartmouth to Exclude Arsonists from Librarian Search

    January 29th, 2016

    Last Thursday, the college announced that it would not consider arsonists in its effort to fill the three vacant librarian positions.

     

    “Dartmouth College has over 4 million printed volumes across a dozen libraries,” said Mark McGrarian, the Chief Librarian.  “Our priceless collection spans hundreds of genres and thousands of years.  Each book is filled with rich history, valuable information, and extremely flammable pages.  We simply cannot take the risk of employing an arsonist to look after them.”

     

    Professor Jean Fillenheim, Chair of the Chemistry Department, agrees with the college’s decision:

     

    “Paper is essentially just strands of cellulose, an organic compound that burns very easily.  And books are essentially just piles of paper.  And arsonists are essentially just hydrogen dioxide with some carbon keeping it all together.  That’s all we are man: aqueous blobs.”  She paused to take a hit from her blunt.  “And our consciousness, our soul, whatever you want to call it, that’s just a bunch of chemical reactions going on inside that blob.”

     

    Many members of the Dartmouth community, however, have voiced their opposition.  Tina Plumshare, the Vice-Provost for Academic Initiatives, has called the new policy “shameful”:

     

    “It is outrageous that we are going to ban an entire group of people from even applying for this position.  Faculty diversity is critical for the education of our students, and this new restriction will shut the door on all self-identifying arsonists and the talent that they would bring to our college.  How is this happening in 2016?”

     

    Plumshare also worried about the message it would send to the numerous arsonists currently under Dartmouth’s employment.  Tim Frylander, an arsonist who works at the Courtyard Café, fears for his job:

     

    “It’s the beginning of the end,” he said while flipping a charred patty.  “They always go for the librarians first.  Next thing you know, they’ll be giving me a pink slip.  Just because of who I am.  Because of what I love.”  He shook his head solemnly.  “It’s prejudice, plain and simple.”

     

    McGrarian, however, was quick to denounced this accusation:

    “Let me be clear: I am not prejudiced against arsonists.  In fact, many of my best friends and colleagues are arsonists.  I just don’t want a repeat of what happened last month,” referring to the infamous “Baker Blaze” that cost three librarians their jobs.

     

    At press time, Frylander was leading a protest in the Hopkins Center.  Firefighters say that the death toll has risen to 63.

    CL ’18

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    A Riddle

    January 29th, 2016

    If you’ve heard this one, please don’t spoil the answer.

     

    While on a walk through an unfamiliar town, you hit a fork in the road. Luckily, there are two identical twins who know the way. They dress the same, they look the same, and they talk the same. But one tells only the truth, and one only lies. You can only ask them just one question. What would you ask? Also, they both love porn—like, really love porn. Don’t bother asking about anything other than porn because there’s only one thing this duo wants to talk about: porn. Even if you don’t ask about porn, guess what they’ll respond with: porn. Ask about direction? More like ‘erection’ with a big ole ‘d.’ Better try something else. Look for clues. Don’t make eye contact with the twin with perpetually stained pants, and don’t bother trying to make eye contact with the twin glued to his computer watching Lady and the Tramping Dees Nuts. He’s seen it eight times, “but it only keeps getting better,” he’ll certainly tell you. He needs this. Back to the other twin–dammit, now he’s absorbed in porn. Emotionally? No: physically. The pheromones now permeate your naked body, and you subconsciously levitate to the twins. You need this. Your fate has been sealed.

     

    Google maps suggest you stay to the left. Now, what question would you ask?

    ZS ’18

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    Morano Gelato – For Men!

    January 14th, 2016

    MORANOFORMEN

    –KS ’16

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    6 Winter Activities to Try this Term!

    January 14th, 2016
    1. Have a snowball fight: This classic winter game is a great way to get outside and have some fun with your friends!
    2. Go for a long walk through town with your boyfriend, Kevin: You know how you and Kevin have been dating for almost a year now, and you’re absolutely perfect for each other? Enjoy a romantic walk together during a peaceful snowfall!
    3.  Watch “Love Actually:” There’s nothing like settling down with a mug of hot cocoa in front of this feel-good winter movie.  Plus, you’re actually in love with Kevin, so you can totally relate.
    4. Bake ginger cookies: Spend an afternoon in the kitchen baking seasonal treats! Then spend the evening making up with Kevin because he’s pretty mad that you forgot he’s gluten intolerant.
    5. Spend a weekend at Kevin’s ski house in Killington, Vermont: Kevin’s family’s ski cabin is super cozy, and his parents will be out of town the weekend of January 22nd. What a perfect chance to borrow Kevin’s older sister Stacy’s Subaru Outback and drive out to Killington! Since Kevin was on the ski team in high school, he’ll wow you with his skills as he zips down his favorite double black diamond runs, Flume and Cascade. Doesn’t his navy blue ski suit look perfect with his dirty blond hair and hazel eyes? The two of you are so lucky to have this time together.
    6. Just hang out with Kevin: Remember how Kevin whispered that he loved you on May 22nd? It’s no secret that you guys are meant to be. Who needs winter activities when you can spend the term with your soul mate?

    AR ’18

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    Bucket List: 6 Things to do Before You Die!

    January 12th, 2016
    1. Write a Will – You’ll definitely want to see a lawyer before you die so you can get some help writing your will. It’s important to make sure your possessions will be divided fairly after you kick the bucket!
    2. Say Goodbye to Your Kids – When you’re really close to dying, be sure to visit each of your children to say your goodbyes. Try to stay upbeat, though, so you don’t freak out your grandkids!
    3. Look into Funeral Homes – We recommend you stop by some local funeral homes to familiarize yourself with the places where your imminent death might be mourned! Be specific about your ideas for the ceremony so your family won’t mess it up too much after you’re gone.
    4. Visit Your Future Gravesite – If you’re at death’s door, it’s a great idea to check out the place where you’ll be buried! You definitely want to get a feel for the location and make sure the surroundings are just how you want them.
    5. Go to the Hospital – At some point, it’s advisable to see a doctor and figure out how much time you have left. Look on the bright side: He or she will be a friendly face when your family checks you into the hospital in your final hours!
    6. Visit Machu Picchu – You’ve wanted to see Peru for your entire life.  Spend a few of your last days on Earth visiting this breathtaking landmark!

    AR ’18

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