Posts by Jacko:

    ‘18 Enters TDX Basement in Search of Lifelong Friendship

    March 1st, 2015

    Sources close to Mike Peters ’18 confirmed that the freshman entered TDX last Saturday night in hopes of forming close relationships with fellow partygoers in the fraternity’s crowded basement.

    “Everyone is always telling me I’ll come away from Dartmouth with friends that will last a lifetime,” Peters explained, pausing momentarily to introduce himself to a couple grinding near him, “And TDX seems like the perfect place to start. Just look how many cool and social people are in this very basement!”

    As he pushed his way through the sweaty entanglement of gyrating bodies, even a failed attempt to make small talk during a stranger’s keg stand did not discourage Peters from seeking out the kind of college friends that he’d been told would one day make up his wedding party.  Intrigued by the wide range of social possibilities that the basement offered—including fighting fellow students for access to a limited beer supply and holding a girl’s hair back as she vomited in a corner—Peters continued to look for opportunities to form lasting bonds with the people around him.

    “I can’t believe how many interesting Dartmouth students I’ve met in this basement,” Peters told reporters, “Just look at that guy over there in the jersey.  He told me he’s already had 17 beers tonight.  And that girl in the green shirt? She apparently likes dancing.”

    Although Peters had only interacted with a small percentage of the party’s attendees by the time the basement cleared out, the night wasn’t a complete failure.  Peters returned to his room content with the knowledge that the unidentified girl with whom he had briefly made out would one day become his wife.

    -AR ’18

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    Wifi Outage Impedes Learning

    March 1st, 2015

    The Dartmouth Secure server, the main source of wifi for campus, unexpectedly went down at midmorning yesterday. The unexplained outage lasted from approximately 11:05-12:43. Economics 10: Statistical Methods, taught by Professor William Trentos, meets during this time and experienced the dramatic fallout of the wifi failure.

    Firstly, most students in the lecture experienced a state of denial. Many reported constantly refreshing their respective Facebook pages, Pintrest boards, Youtube videos, Reddit threads, and in the case of creepy Carl who sits near the back, their Pornhub pages. After a few minutes, it became clear to most class members that there was indeed a wifi outage. Students then had to face the incredibly difficult task of engaging with the Econ material for the remaining 50 minutes. Reactions from members of the class were mixed.

    Jack Smith, ’18, comments that around minute 12 without Reddit, he began to shiver and sweat, reporting an acute headache and shakiness.

    Cynthia Cross, ’15, stepped out of the classroom pretty soon after the outage, commenting that once she “actually started listening” she “realized that this was not French 2.”

    Ben Miller, ’17, says the outage forced him to leave a lot of the Buzzfeed quiz he was working on unfinished. Now, he said, he has “absolutely no idea which Sex and the City character I am” but instead has “like a pretty good understanding of probability theory.” He said that he hopes the administration will realize that these DartmouthSecure outages have “real consequences.” In fact, he says that because of this distraction he will now have to stay up pretty late catching up on videos of dogs that look like the cast of Scandal.

    Justin Michaels, ’16, counts himself as among the lucky few in the class that were unaffected by the outage. He was spared by the Sudoku game he had pre-installed on his computer. Michaels says he was “super relieved”, commenting that 45 minutes of unadulterated focus on Professor Trentos, the award-winning Economics author and researcher, would have been “literally horrible.”

    -RJ ’18

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    Hey Man, What Band Is This?

    March 1st, 2015

    “Hey man, what band is this?”

    “Oh this? This is, ‘The Travelling Merchant Came Upon A House And Looked Inside But There Was No One Home So He Kept Walking And Walking And Walking Until He Got Really Tired And Had To Stop For The Night So He Set Up His Tent And Looked At The Stars And Wondered If He Would Ever Sell Any Clock Radios Now That All The Governments Had Collapsed And There Were No More Radio Stations Or Record Labels To Tell You That Your Band Name Was Too Long Because A Band Name Could Never Be Too Long Only The Music Too Short Because All That Matters Is The Music And If We Wanted To Be Like Every Other Band We Would’ve Called Ourselves Something Boring Like You Wanted But We Don’t Because Even When Civilization Has Ended And There Are No Radio Stations The Survivors Will Still Get Together And Perform Their Own Music Using Whatever Scraps They Can Find And It Would Still Sound Better Than Anything Any Record Label Has Ever Made Because It’s Real Music Not Fake Pop Made By A Bunch Of Suits Who Want To Make Radio Hits So They Can Sell Clock Radios So They Can Buy A Big House Which They Will Have To Abandon When Civilization Collapses Only To Return Years Later As A Travelling Merchant Who In A True Twist Of Irony Has Forgotten That It Was The Very House He Bought But Now He Can’t Even Sell One Clock Radio Because Everyone Realized They Don’t Need Radio Stations Or Record Labels And The Only Thing That’s Important Is The Music.’ ”

    “Never heard of them.”

    -BP ’16

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    Tru Confessions!

    February 17th, 2015

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    “Last week I farted in the middle of an office meeting and blamed it on the intern.” -Rachel W., CT

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    “I watch Desperate Housewives. It’s a total guilty pleasure; I’d hate if any of my buddies found out. Can’t help it, though. I love the drama!” –Eric B., NY

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    “When I was nine, my mother made me take piano lessons. I hated them, so I slit my piano teacher’s throat and buried her in the backyard.–Annie S., KY

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    “We share a toothbrush. We know it’s gross, but we really do feel like it brings us closer together!” –Sarah and Dan P., IL

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    “I only recently realized that the reason the ‘afternoon’ is called that is because it takes place after noon. I’m 26!” –Sophie G., PA

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    “I eat Flinstone’s gummy vitamins—they’re delicious!” –Tom H., NJ

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    “It was raining outside, and she was heavy. Her body left a long track in the mud that I covered with sticks and leaves, and my knees ached as I knelt and began to dig a deep hole. It took me forever to clean the dirt out from underneath my fingernails.”–Annie S., KY

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    “Alex is actually short for ‘Alexandria’. My mom really wanted a girl.” -Alex D., OR

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    “People began to wonder where she went. She had no immediate family, and no one to miss her enough to pry further. It was eventually assumed that she’d moved away, and I stopped having to take piano lessons”–Annie S., KY

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    “I hosted last week’s book club, and accidentally dropped the gingersnaps on the floor right before everyone arrived! I brushed them off and served them anyway. Five-second rule, right?” -Laura G., DE

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    “I still dream about her sometimes, her frail body decomposing beneath the ground. I’ve stopped by to visit my childhood home, and when I walk past that spot I sometimes hear Mozart’s 40th symphony playing in the distance, softly enough to be blamed on the wind.”–Annie S., KY

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    “Sometimes I jaywalk.” -Jake P., CO

    -LK-P ’18

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    Frog and Toad Aren’t Really Friends

    February 17th, 2015

    It was a beautiful spring morning. Frog hopped up the dirt road to Toad’s house and knocked loudly on the door.

    “Toad!” he called. “It’s me, your best friend, Frog! Let me in!”

    “Go away,” a voice called back. “We’re not friends, you idiot.”

    “Don’t be like that, Toad,” Frog implored. He pounded incessantly on the door until finally, with a groan, Toad opened it.

    “Goddamn it, Frog,” Toad said. “You’re so fucking annoying.”

    Frog pushed past Toad into the kitchen and started rifling through the cabinets. “Hey, do you have any Doritos or something?” he asked. “These Weight Watchers snacks look horrible.”

    Toad sighed. “Can’t you buy your own snacks instead of mooching off mine?’ he asked Frog pointedly. “By the way, it’s ridiculous that you’re still living with your mom at this age, Frog. You’re not a tadpole anymore. Isn’t it about time you start looking for a new job?”

    Frog, who had finally located a bag of barbecue chips, frowned. “Just because you’re bitter about your own inert career doesn’t mean you have the right to pick on me about mine. How’s that real estate venture doing, hmm?” He snapped his tongue into the chips bag disgustingly.

    “You know damn well it’s gone underwater!” Toad blurted out before he could stop himself, snatching the chips away from Frog. That little dipshit always knew exactly how to push his buttons.

    “Listen man, I’m sorry,” Frog apologized. “I was just feeling kinda lonely and thought I’d come over and see if you would tell me a story. You know, for old time’s sake.” He gazed pathetically at Toad with his sad, moist, amphibious eyes.

    Toad sighed. “I can’t believe you’re still asking me about that. It’s been years,” he pointed out. “And I didn’t even make that story up, you know. Goodnight Moon is a children’s literature classic.”

    “I don’t care,” said Frog. “I’ve been feeling really down lately and your voice is so soothing. Just one story? Please?”

    It was true – Frog had really gotten caught in a downward spiral this year, Toad thought. First the lost button, then the breakup, and now getting laid off from the best factory job he’d ever landed and moving home. To be honest, Toad had been pretty worried Frog would start shooting up again.

    “Fine,” snapped Toad, hiding his pity behind a sheer facade of annoyance. “But as soon as I’m done you better leave me alone.”

    “Deal,” Frog agreed, because they both knew Toad didn’t really mean it. Frog took a seat in his favorite rocking chair as Toad told him the tale of the Ugly Duckling, which Frog still thinks is an original story inspired by their neighborhood.

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    -LH ’16

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    Cool Dad

    February 17th, 2015

    Don’t worry Michael, I’m the cool dad. I’m not gonna bust you for anything like your mom. I’m cool. When you come over to this pad (please stop calling it a condo) you know you’re in for a good time.

    You what? You want to store that bag there? Fine. That’s so cool. And I’m so chill I’m not even going to ask if that red stuff dripping out is blood. I’ll give you space. You tell me what you’re ready to tell me. I’m not going to pry. That’s such a your mom thing to do.

    Michael, is that a hand reaching out of the top? Michael, why are you throwing away that cellphone? Michael, why is your computer screen opened up to a chatroom as the profile hotsexyvampirediarieslover22?

    These are questions your mom would ask. Me? I don’t care. Hey. You know what I say? I say come over here and drink a cold one with your pops. You might want to take those bloody gloves off first. Or don’t. I mean, I’m cool with the fashion. Actually, buy me a pair. Or don’t, you know, if you want to wear what you wear and I wear what I wear. I get it. You need space. I need space too. I’m not dependent on your validation. Just like you’re not on mine.

    I only get you every other weekend, and half of that time you’re out on your errands, which I don’t need to know anything about. I just want to enjoy my time with you. If that means letting you lock yourself up in the room and watch episodes of Dexter, so what? I’m a dad who knows better than to pester.

    Am I worried that you keep putting notes under my door saying “You’re next”? Of course not. You’re next too, bud. I get pranks. I went to college. Once I covered my fraternity’s toilet with saran wrap so everyone’s pee bounced off. It’s not quite the same as the piles of dead rats you put on my pillow each morning.

    Michael, you’re my son. I was a guy once too. Don’t think your old man didn’t get around to his own trouble in his day. But my dad was such a–pardon my language—prick. He was always on my tail. I hated it. I swore as a kid I would never be like that. You wanna smoke pot? Go ahead. Drink a little? Drink with me. Look up the addresses of all of your teachers? I don’t really know what for, but I’m not going to stop you.

    When you’re in the pad, you’re not my son. You’re my bud. My partner in crime. We are a team. I’m not gonna help you with your wire cable traps, but I’ll give you my credit card to get the wire. All I ask is one night you come watch football with me instead of shooting pidgeons with your airsoft gun. Just once, unless that’s too overbearing. Because, that’s one of the last things I want to be.

    - DZ ’16

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    50 Shades of Dre

    February 15th, 2015

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    LH ’16

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    Valentine’s Day Guide

    February 15th, 2015

    With such happy vibes and infinite appeal, it’s no wonder Hanover ranks 580th on Yelp’s list of romantic getaways. But with so much to do, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed come Valentine’s Day. Frantically searching for a plan for bae #1 or #2? Here’s a guide for the perfect Valentine’s Day: Hanover edition.

    1:00am: Your evening starts at late-night. Show your date how much DBA you have by treating her to some fried mac and cheese bites. (Pro tip: if you’re feeling ambitious, offer to lady-and-the-tramp a cinnamon roll.)

    2:00am: Head back to your dorm with your date. If you live in the Choates or the River, find an unoccupied room in Mclane.

    10:30am: Make sure to hit up breakfast at Foco. I hear they will have circular heart-shaped pancakes. Swipe in for her–flaunt how much DBA you still have.

    12:00 noon: From Foco, head over to the Nugget. Fifty Shades of Grey premiers on Valentine’s Day, so I suggest you go see the new Spongebob movie.

    3:00pm: Worried about this awkward time before the next meal? No worries, because there’s food at chess club’s Valentines extravaganza! I hear speed chess is kind of like speed dating: it ends with me crying.

    5:00pm: Go on down to the hop for a beautiful, candlelit dinner. (Pro tip: don’t forget a candle.) Make sure to pay for your date’s meal to show how much DBA you used to have.

    6:00pm to 12:00am: You know what to do. Be yourself. Walk down Webster like you own it. Hang out in loud basements and don’t talk. Make out intensely on that ledge lining the wall because you’re still on table from last weekend. We’re notorious for having a good time, and you will do so effortlessly. And make sure to arrive at Hanlon’s front yard or the stacks by 11:00pm to get a good spot. ​

    -ZS ’18

     

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    The Exclusive Limited Edition Carnival Poster

    February 2nd, 2015

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    Dartmouth Leads the Way in Fostering Inclusive Campus Environment by Removing Doors from Residence Halls

    February 1st, 2015

    In his “Moving Dartmouth Forward” speech this Thursday morning, President Phil Hanlon announced several groundbreaking changes that will make the college safer and more inclusive in the coming years.  Foremost among them is a campus-wide effort to remove all doors from Dartmouth residence halls, which will be carried out by next winter.

    “Dozens of prestigious schools, such as Stanford University, have made their campuses safer by establishing open-door policies for drinking on campus,” stated Hanlon in this week’s address, “Why not take things a step further?” Citing outdated features like external building doors and bathroom stalls as clear barriers to student interaction, Hanlon expressed his vision for a campus where students will be able to wander freely into Greek houses, dining halls, and each other’s dorm rooms.

    “I can’t wait for Dartmouth’s no-door policy to go into effect,” said Sydney Harris ’18, whose current floor in the Choates features thick walls and wide hallways that keep her completely isolated from other students, “Now my floor mates can skip the unnecessary step of turning a knob before they accidentally walk in on me naked.”

    Scott Roberts ’16, a member of Beta Alpha Omega, expressed similar excitement for the new policy to begin. “We’ve always been pretty strict about checking ID’s at the door of Beta,” Roberts explained, “But without a door, our parties will be totally inclusive.  Everyone from college professors to local children can wander through, and we’re totally okay with that.”

    Since Thursday morning, Hanlon has personally taken the lead in initiating the new policy by removing the doors from his own office.  Pausing momentarily to adjust his heavy winter coat and escort a stray dog out of the room, Hanlon told reporters that the change has brought great results so far.

    -AR ’18

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