Posts by Jacko:
Cancer: colonoscope (get it?)
Libra: Rifle Scope
- Aquarius: Scope mouthwash
So easy, a monkey could do it!
Gather your materials. You will need a saucepan, a cold egg, a ramekin, a slotted spoon, and some water.
Fill the saucepan with about one inch of water.
Light the stove, and turn the heat to medium-low. (The clicking of the gas, before it alights, reminds you of a ticking clock. Every day the seconds seem to pass more slowly. You are aging. Time is not on your side. Whenever you look in the mirror, you are confronted with the reality of your own mortality. Someday you will grow very old. Someday, you will die.)
Keep an eye on the water! When it begins to gently simmer, crack the egg into the ramekin. (The eggshell shatters. You are transported back in time, to your childhood. You used to be so carefree, frolicking about in the sunshine, never once worrying what the future would hold. Your scrapes and bruises did not bother you, because you were young and hardy and ready to tackle the world head-on, as you swung from tree to tree. You had no enemies, no worries, no doubts. But youth is fleeting. You lift your hand to your face, and feel that the once-taut skin has begun to wrinkle. There is no escaping time.)
Turn off the heat and put the lid on the saucepan.
Set a timer for 4 minutes. No peeking until time is up! (You watch the seconds tick away with a sort of morbid pleasure. Time moves much more quickly nowadays. You used to always be in such a rush, always waiting for something to happen, constantly wishing you were older, more worldly, more free. But now each moment that passes is just sand in the hourglass, an hourglass which you know will never be re-inverted. There are no second chances. Each moment could be your last.)
When time is up, carefully remove the egg from the water with a slotted spoon, taking care not to break the yolk. (The yolk splits. Of course it does, you could never do anything right, could you, isn’t that what they always told you? You’ve never met their expectations. In fact, you’ll never be good enough for them, even if you ARE the first chimpanzee to make a perfect poached egg!)
Place egg gently on a plate, a piece of toast, or an English muffin – whatever your heart desires. Bon appetit!
· A feather duster!
o Bring some fun, flirty energy into the bedroom tonight and tickle him silly!
· Old Halloween costumes!
o Be his naughty nurse and recycle some old gear!
· 4 Matchbox Cars!
o Use your imagination!
· A mousetrap!
o No need to tell you what to do with this one ;)
· An avocado!
o You know what to do, you nasty gal.
· A nail file!
o My husband tells me this is normal but I’m really not sure anymore????
- You are great at keeping secrets.
- People often tell you that you are fiercely loyal.
- None of your clothing rustles, and all of your shoes have rubber soles.
- You rarely speak of your personal history. Most of your friends aren’t sure what your last name is.
- You have very few personal belongings. All your posters are hung up with blue painter’s tape.
- Your morals have been called into question more than once.
- You would do almost anything for money, especially if it’s under the table.
- You move only under cover of darkness.
- You are aware of more than 3,000 ways to kill a man using only a corkscrew.
- It is after midnight. You enter his house silently, leaving no trace as you slide through the open window. Without so much as a rustle, you sneak into his bedroom. His slumber is deep, and he does not stir. With the finesse of an artist, you slit his throat across the jugular, as is your tradition. You move so quickly that he does not have time to cry out. The smell of his blood excites you. You’ve done this a thousand times, never with any less pleasure. You are immensely skilled at your craft. The mission has been executed seamlessly. You will not be seen here again.
It’s just me, the delivery boy.
Oh, come on in.
The door is locked, though.
Well, let me fix that then.
*Walks in, takes off full body mask*
Haha, it’s me, Satan! You’re going to hell!
Oh…so you don’ want to go?
Well…okay. I get it. I’ll leave.
But, before I go…is it…is it because of me?
Is the reason you don’t want to go, is it…is it because of me? No one ever wants to go to hell. Is it because there is something wrong with me?
No, no. Of course it’s not you.
Thanks. I really appreciate it.
What about, like, Thursday?
Oh. No. Sorry, I’m busy Thursday.
This week is really busy.
I…I have a lot of work tonight.
No that’s… that’s fine. I have to go deal with a ton of stuff too.
*Sulks and leaves*
DG-B ’15 and DZ ‘16
Who do you think it is? Open up!
Do you have a warrant?
Like I need a warrant. Do you know how many calls we have been getting?
You so much as open a window, and I’ll blast you’re brains out.
So much as threatening a cop could put you behind bars.
Some cop you are.
What’s that supposed to mean?
You think I was born yesterday? What kind of cop drives a Lexus? A dirty cop.
That don’t mean shit.
I’m no chump.
Well, regardless of what you think you know, I got the right to blast your fucking door down.
Go ahead. Make my day.
I’ve been dreaming about bashing your face in for a while now.
I’m sure that’s what you’ll be dreaming about right after I knock you out.
Who is it? Another fucking cop?
Who are you talking to?
Someone is knocking on my side door.
No, it’s me.
Hey! You don’t talk to her!
You don’t tell me not to talk to my girlfriend.
Yeah, that’s right. She started dating me after she dumped your sorry ass.
Trish? Is this for real?
Trish, you can’t be serious. This is how you tell me?
That’s not important. I came here to help you.
Some help this is. Telling me you started going out with a dipshit beat cop.
You shut up Connor.
Connor, just let me in. Let me talk to you.
Don’t go in there, Patricia, it’s not safe.
I’m sure it’s much safer out there.
Connor, I’m trying to help you. You don’t have to do this.
What do you care?
I care about you. *Opens door and walks in*
Save it for someone who still gives a shit.
Hey! You don’t talk to her like that.
Who the hell do you think you are?
You so much as lay a finger on her–
Oh, real scary, Columbo.
Connor. Listen to me. Just back down.
Did he put you up to this?
That’s not important.
What do you mean, it’s not important? Of course it’s important.
You say you care about me, but you only show up here to help out your new cop boyfriend.
Connor, if you don’t stop all of this, he and his team are going to come in here and light you and this place up. So who cares who asked me to do what? The fact of the matter is, I’m trying to save your sorry ass.
Who says I wanted any saving?
You know what? Do whatever you want. If you want to get yourself into this mess, then you can try to dig your way out. Let this be my last goodbye.
Just get out of here, Trish.
Bye, Connor. *Leaves*
I’m giving you to the count of ten to come outside with your hands up before me and the rest of my team turn this place orange.
What kind of expression is that?
We’re gonna light it up. Turn it orange.
I’ve just never heard that before. Turn it orange. Who would have thought?
Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.
*Starts shooting* Orange you glad I didn’t say banana!
10. Jamie P.
Jamie P has definitely been working on his butthole. It is so much
rounder than last year.
9. Laura F.
Laura F.’s butthole is looking real tight and dark. That’s a top ten butthole
if I’ve ever seen one.
8. Donny P.
This is Jamie’s older brother, so maybe good buttholes
just run in the family. This thing is so nice it even has an echo.
7. Austin K.
Austin’s got the fundamentals down: round, tight and dark.
Nice butthole, Austin!
6. Austin Y.
Austin Y.’s butthole just edged out Austin K.’s butthole
for style points. Way to keep that butthole fresh.
5. Sharon O.
Wow, Sharon. That’s gotta be the roundest butthole we’ve
seen on this list so far. Take note, campus.
4. Sandy P.
She’s Donny and Jamie’s cousin. I don’t know
what it is, but the Ps just manufacture amazing buttholes.
That’s straight up coal mine potential. Noice!
3. Colin F.
Can we get someone to check if this is a real butthole? This looks
too dark to be real. No, but seriously, nice butthole, Colin.
2. Anna C.
Cowabunga! This butthole just does not stop! It’s gonna be
hard to top your butthole, Anna!
1. Phil J.
I can’t tell if I’m looking at a butthole, or the butthole of God. This is one divine butthole. Phil, I have no words. You have got the best butthole on campus.
- That one time your dad forgot you at Walmart for 45 minutes.
- When your dad showed up drunk to your parent-teacher conference.
- When you came down stairs on Christmas morning and there weren’t any presents and he wasn’t there and you cried the whole day and he came back 5 days later with a woman named Carol.
- That time he missed your birthday 3 years in a row to spend time with Carol.
- Seriously Dad, if you’re reading this, please come home.
-RJ ’18 and AR ’18
Recently, AD has come under fire in the national media for a branding scandal, after one new member got an infection after being branded on his buttocks. The college has vowed to crack down harder on “hazing” activities such as this one, but I, and many others, feel that this action is grossly misguided. Banning all branding is not the solution. If we outlaw branding, branding will only be driven further underground. Instead, the college needs to establish safe branding practices, and public, college sanctioned spaces for ass-branding, to ensure infections like this never occur again.
Let me be clear. Dartmouth is a college, and college students are always going to brand each other’s asses. There’s no way around it. If you put together a lot of young, intelligent people, away from their parents for the first time, the natural conclusion is that they will start ass-branding. Even in the most repressive environments, teenagers will find ways to create lasting and permanent burn marks on each other’s butts, even without the proper branding tools, and all too often this means using unsafe branding techniques such as irons or hair straighteners. Unfortunately, brands created with these methods are likely to become infected, and students who iron each other’s buttocks in secret are unlikely to seek help for such injuries.
The real problem is that we teach young people that ass-branding is something illicit that should be done in secret. Studies have even shown that even something as simple as branding the family crest into a child’s rear end at holidays or family gatherings makes them more likely to practice safe branding practices in the future. Unfortunately, with its zero tolerance policy, Dartmouth is encouraging the same repressive attitudes towards branding that lead to unhealthy behaviors.
Another common misconception is that the incident that happened at AD happened because of the fraternities. People mistakenly believe that, if it were not for “pledge term”, this young man’s ass would have escaped unscathed. Unfortunately, this is far from true. When we get rid of frats, the branding goes underground, to the freshman dorms, in what are known as “room branding parties”, unsupervised orgies of debauchery and sizzling ass cheeks. Unfortunately, in unsupervised environments such as this one, safe branding techniques are rarely practiced.
So, instead of the draconian measures proposed by the college to end all branding of asses, a measure which is unfortunately unfeasible, I propose a system where safe branding is allowed, and even encouraged by the administration. I imagine Phil Hanlon taking a hot iron to an incoming freshman’s ass during orientation at a branding mixer in Collis Commonground, and a new system of BIPA’s, brand infection peer advisors. Branding is simply a fact on college campuses. Either Dartmouth can embrace this, or it can continue its zero tolerance policy, driving branding even further underground.
Yeah, you probably won’t get these.
1.That feeling of invincibility you get every time you turn in a problem set before the deadline.
2. That feeling of hopelessness that overtakes you when it’s too cloudy out for your solar-powered T-89 to work, but you can’t borrow your friend’s calculator because it’s not advanced enough.
3. Why “Webwork green” is the most beautiful color.
4. That factorials always look really excited(!)
5. How to pronounce “Gödel.”
6. What this equation means:
7. Or this one:
8. We all know only REAL math majors know when to use this:
9. Actually, if any math majors are reading this, can someone just like really quickly explain what this is used for? Haha
10. PLEASE, IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH MY HOMEWORK???