Posts by Jacko:
- RSV: Respiratory Syncytial Virus or RSV is definitely gonna catch on. If people keep not washing their hands, (which they won’t) this sick respiratory tract infection is gonna be a hit.
- Rhinovirus: This is the most common cold-causing virus known to children. Definitely gonna make it big soon.
- Influenza Virus: The CDC mispredicted the specific flu strain this year, so keep your eyes out for influenza, which is sure to be a chart topper in the next couple of months.
- Croup: You’re definitely gonna be hearing about this viral infection of the breathing passages.
- Coxsackie A Virus: A virus that causes symptoms of blisters on hands, feet and in your mouth. This is my dark horse, mostly because I just got diagnosed with it and I have been making way too much direct contact with large crowds.
After weeks of insomnia and uncontrollable rage, Alexis Carter ’18 is finally on the road to recovery from her Trivia Crack addiction. What’s her secret? Actual crack.
“I knew I needed help when I started fantasizing about killing my roommate after she told me the wrong year that Justin Bieber’s first album came out,” Carter said. When Janice Abbot, a nurse at Dick’s House, suggested hitting the pipe the idea seemed crazy, but Carter couldn’t be more pleased with the results. “I’m so busy looking for my next hit that I don’t even think about whether or not my lives have reloaded yet!” Carter said.
Abbott estimates that about 10% of Dartmouth students may be showing symptoms of Trivia Crack addiction; however, her main concern is with the deepening division between the Trivia Crack “haves” and “have nots.” “The kids that can level up faster have elite status on campus—students won’t form study groups or go on dates without knowing the other’s level and worst category,” Abbott said, “Some of the doctors are even refusing treatment to students under level 30.”
As a licensed medical professional, Abbott recognizes the potential benefits of crack-smoking as a curative measure and has begun referring her patients to dealers. “It can’t be that bad,” Abbott said, “I smoke a little everyday and no problems here!”
Thanks largely to Abbott, crack has seen such a spike in demand that several enterprising students joined forces to form a support group/drug ring. Co-founder Julia Eiseman ’16 commented, “Smoking crack together really fosters a sense of community that helps ease the rehabilitation process.” She also noted that crack’s quick high gives her more free time to do homework and hang out with her friends. “When I was deep in my addiction I alienated a lot of people, but now I see my friends four or five times a day at meetings, sometimes more!” Eiseman said.
Members have responded well to the program—Ethan Browning ’17, a new member to the group, was in a dark place before finally seeking help. “My opponents were always putting me down and telling me how stupid I was for not knowing what country was home to tree-climbing goats. My new crack dealers have been so welcoming and supportive, I can really tell they want me to get better!” Browning said.
Ultimately, Carter and others say they just can’t believe how much more manageable everything has become since taking that first hit. “Crack has given me back my life,” Carter said, “and I’m never going back.”
Derek Roberts, ’16, excitedly announced today that he was joining the Korean Women’s Cultural Association after receiving over half a dozen Blitzes from the campus group. He commented: “As a male with no Korean Heritage, at first I was pretty skeptical about the Cultural Association. I’ll admit I deleted the first couple messages”.
Around Blitz number seven, he reports becoming “pretty annoyed”, saying, “I really started to wonder why they would keep contacting me. I had shown no interest at all, and had in fact asked to be removed from the listserve”. However, after remarkably persistent updates about the groups’ upcoming meeting times and activities, John says he began to change his mind. Indeed, he reports that the 9th reminder in the series from the group about their meeting was a total “game changer”. In fact, the eye-grabbing colors and quirky subject line of this final message completely transformed his point of view about the Association and his personal priorities as a whole.
Derek left the interview to message his ex-girlfriend, who he confidently asserts will, in similar form, finally “change her mind” after his 13th consecutive phone call.
Dartmouth Voices: Free Higher-Efficiency Washing Machines only tangible improvement to college this termJanuary 18th, 2015
“I hope this doesn’t shorten the quality time I spend in my dorm’s basement each week”
- Sam Roberts ‘16
“So when will Rolling Stone’s critical articles finally start taking the efficiency of our laundry into account?”
- Susan Rogers, administrative assistant
“It warms my heart to see the college investing in even more advanced facilities for students to destroy.”
-Greg Harrison, alumnus
Any names used the Fake Dartmouth publication and any other publication are either names in the public domain; names being used with permission; or are fictional.
Any resemblance to real names is coincidental and unintentional.
Amazing! Student Assembly Manages To Perform Minor Administrative Duties, Despite Massive Shopping ResponsibilitiesNovember 19th, 2014
After facing suspension charges from Dartmouth for being implicated in large scale clicker cheating plot in “Sports, Ethics, and Religion”, Jason Todd has made a revelation.
“So, I ended up opening one of my ‘Sports, Ethics, and Religion’ textbooks for the first time,” Todd explained when we reached out to him, “and I realized that this whole clicker scandal was unethical!”
Todd then continued to read through the entirety of his class’s reading material. He described his findings as “eye-opening.” “I started learning all about the value of social contracts, playing by the agreed-upon rules, y’know? And that’s when it hit me. Cheating is wrong!” Through his own personal research, Todd realized that “stealing, violence, and pyramid schemes” are also unethical and often despicable. “Do other people know about this? I had no idea that my actions had actual, long-standing consequences. Why didn’t anyone tell me this before?”
Todd’s discoveries didn’t end there. Through more of his assigned religious textbook reading (and through asking around), Todd found that religion also had something to say about cheating: “Christianity, Islam, Judaism and whatever my family practices ALSO say cheating is bad, just like disemboweling children and adultery! It’s such a crazy idea, but I think they’re right.”
Todd wishes his fellow classmates would step back and read some of the course material. “I know it’s a strange thing to ask, but doing the assigned reading for the class I’ve been cheating in has really opened my eyes. I’d like to let everyone know that breaking the rules, believe it or not, is wrong. Just like in sports.”
“Wait, we had clickers in that class?”
“If it’s a religion class, can’t we just confess before the final?”
“Isn’t Clicker just that social media thing with the birds?”
- Are you worried about big data?
- No my penis is ok. Except for a little syph. Ja feel? Jeah.
- Thoughts on cultural appropriation?
- What’s the cube root of 491169069?
- 789. Get it? Cause 7 ate 9. Jeah.
- Wow, that was impressive. Seven squared?
- 789. Get it? Cause 7 ate 9. Jeah.
- What do you think of Taylor Swift’s new album?
- I’d tap that. I like that color. Squirrels. Jeah.
- Who do you think you’ll vote for in 2016?
- Obama. Me. Jeah.
- FKM: Ryan Lochte, Michael Phelps, Lamp
- Oh fuck lamp for sure. Jeah. Kill ryan lochte. He stole my name. Jeah. Who’s michael?