Posts by Jacko:

    Jack-O-Lantern Statement

    November 20th, 2014

    Any names used the Fake Dartmouth publication and any other publication are either names in the public domain; names being used with permission; or are fictional.

    Any resemblance to real names is coincidental and unintentional.


    10 Pictures That Will Totally Change the Way You See the World!!!

    November 19th, 2014





















    -LK-P ’18









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    Amazing! Student Assembly Manages To Perform Minor Administrative Duties, Despite Massive Shopping Responsibilities

    November 19th, 2014

    SA copy

    -KS ’16

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    Ethics Student Reads Textbook, Learns Cheating Is Wrong

    November 19th, 2014

    After facing suspension charges from Dartmouth for being implicated in large scale clicker cheating plot in “Sports, Ethics, and Religion”, Jason Todd has made a revelation.

    “So, I ended up opening one of my ‘Sports, Ethics, and Religion’ textbooks for the first time,” Todd explained when we reached out to him, “and I realized that this whole clicker scandal was unethical!”

    Todd then continued to read through the entirety of his class’s reading material. He described his findings as “eye-opening.” “I started learning all about the value of social contracts, playing by the agreed-upon rules, y’know? And that’s when it hit me. Cheating is wrong!” Through his own personal research, Todd realized that “stealing, violence, and pyramid schemes” are also unethical and often despicable. “Do other people know about this? I had no idea that my actions had actual, long-standing consequences. Why didn’t anyone tell me this before?”

    Todd’s discoveries didn’t end there. Through more of his assigned religious textbook reading (and through asking around), Todd found that religion also had something to say about cheating: “Christianity, Islam, Judaism and whatever my family practices ALSO say cheating is bad, just like disemboweling children and adultery! It’s such a crazy idea, but I think they’re right.”

    Todd wishes his fellow classmates would step back and read some of the course material. “I know it’s a strange thing to ask, but doing the assigned reading for the class I’ve been cheating in has really opened my eyes. I’d like to let everyone know that breaking the rules, believe it or not, is wrong. Just like in sports.”

    -JR ’18

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    Dartmouth Voices: Clickergate

    November 14th, 2014

    Screen Shot 2014-11-14 at 2.29.38 PM

    “Wait, we had clickers in that class?”


    Screen Shot 2014-11-14 at 2.29.45 PM

    “If it’s a religion class, can’t we just confess before the final?”

    Screen Shot 2014-11-14 at 2.30.16 PM

    “Isn’t Clicker just that social media thing with the birds?”


    -KS ’16

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    Ryan Lochte Answers the Big Questions

    November 14th, 2014
    1. Are you worried about big data?
      1. No my penis is ok. Except for a little syph. Ja feel? Jeah.
    2. Thoughts on cultural appropriation?
      1. Jeah.
    3. What’s the cube root of 491169069?
      1. 789. Get it? Cause 7 ate 9. Jeah.
    4. Wow, that was impressive. Seven squared?
      1. 789. Get it? Cause 7 ate 9. Jeah.
    5. What do you think of Taylor Swift’s new album?
      1. I’d tap that. I like that color. Squirrels. Jeah.
    6. Who do you think you’ll vote for in 2016?
      1. Obama. Me. Jeah.
    7. FKM: Ryan Lochte, Michael Phelps, Lamp
      1. Oh fuck lamp for sure. Jeah. Kill ryan lochte. He stole my name. Jeah. Who’s michael?

    -KE ’18

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    I Wanted To Make This More Enjoyable, So I Put On My Enya CD

    November 14th, 2014

    First Prostate Exam

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    In Act of Retaliation, Rick Perry and His Band of Butt Pirates Lay Siege To Dartmouth

    November 12th, 2014

    Rick Perry, insulted by provocative questions on Sunday, retreated to his Texas Ranch and rallied his merry band of Butt Pirates together to exact revenge. The large group has now come up the Connecticut River and its attack has begun.

    “Arrrrgghhhh. Rick be very upset with the insinuations that he would have his jib go up the rear,” Said Perry’s head of Pirate PR, Simon Slackjaw. “We be coming up the Connecticut to show these here landlubbers not to mess with our Cap’n.”

    “If anyone can talk about Rick’s booty, it’s us,” chimed in Redbeard, Perry’s 2016 Pirate Campaign Manager. “That be a joke. Because booty is both a pirate word and is related to all of the talk of anal sex.” He added.

    “Arrgghhh.” Said many more of the crew mates, appreciating Redbeard’s joke. “To me, it be a matter of respect. There we arrrrggghhh, in a civilized debate, and some young skipper thinks he can disrupt our discourse for a little joke? That be a violation of courteous debate.” Said Perry’s Coordinator of Piracy and Strategic Planning. “Regaarrrgghhhdless of your political stance, you have to respect the voices of the other sides. That’s why we have to lay waste to this school. Also, we hear there be buried treasure.”

    Perry could not be reached for comment for he was too busy putting his eye patch and on his buttplug in–in preparation for the siege.

     -DZ ’16

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    Dartmouth Alumni Magazine Apologizes to Women of Color For Not Knowing They Were On Their Period

    November 12th, 2014

    Dartmouth Alumni Magazine apologizes they offended many people in the Dartmouth community for publishing a letter to the editor that told women of color to not complain about injustice. They recognize their mistake in publishing the letter while everyone was on their period.

    “Look, we messed up,” said senior editor James Hagen ’88. “We would never have published this thing if we knew everyone was gonna be menstruating. This is on us.” The magazine is now in crisis mode.

    “We’re just trying to keep readers at this point,” added Shirley Wainwright ’76. “I think the problem started when we were digitizing our lunar calendar. There must have been some sort of error. We would never have published something so provocative if we knew it was peak period season.”

    Students have started a petition asking people to unsubscribe from the magazine. “It is reprehensible and unacceptable that the magazine did not respect my own reproductive cycle and the overwhelming hysteria, whininess, and irrationality it causes.” Said Bernice Holt ’17, one of the students who signed the petition. “There is a reason why I mention my menstruation on my blog. And if Dartmouth Alumni Magazine cannot respect that, then why should I respect them?”

    No women of color could be reached for comment because they were all on their periods.

    -DZ ’16

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    Rick Perry Thanks Ben Packer for Explaining Gay Sex to Him in Terms He Can Understand

    November 12th, 2014

    While the media has focused on the disrespectful nature of the comments made recently at Dartmouth college, Rick Perry himself is thanking the group of protesters for explaining gay sex to him in terms he could understand.  “I’m a simple man,” says Perry.  “In Texas, we don’t like to use big words and liberal elitist vocabulary.  Peeny and poopy, those are Texan words, that’s the way the common man talks.

    Perry explained that while he has always taken an anti-sodomy stance, he never actually knew what it was, and was just in too deep to ask.  “You know when your friends are talking about something, and you know that it’s something dirty, but you’re not gonna be the first one to straight up ask, so you just have to pretend you know what they’re talking about?  That’s kind of how it’s been with me and the other politicians.  What is sodomy?  Did anybody know before yesterday?”

    “Honestly, when you put it in terms of peeny and poopy, that doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all.  This is what we were up in arms about?  Hoo hoos are just as icky as tushies.  Why is this something that politicians care so much about?”

    Rick Perry is now planning on going on an apology tour to apologize for the offensive stance he has taken throughout the course of his political career.  He hopes that during a future Q and A, someone will explain to him what a union is.

    -LB ’15

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