Posts by Jacko:
Dear Members of the Dartmouth Community,
This weekend, our community will join together in the celebration of Homecoming. The Friday night bonfire marks the midpoint of a truly overwhelming week, featuring activities such as:
-Drinking cheap champagne while wearing expensive clothing
-Enduring claustrophobia while huddling in crowded rooms in the ongoing search for dubious alcoholic beverages
-An opportunity to finally smear paint on that boy you’ve been crushing on in your Bio class(or that other kid, you know, the one you hate?)
-Expanded access to Dartmouth’s network of traditional libations
To be blunt: we are aware of the numerous possibilities this week of celebration entails, and we expect you to fuck up. As a prestigious institution, however, we must prioritize the safety of all people on campus, (from the blackout ’18 to the creepy ’65 loitering in your building); please make sure to fuck up only in moderation. This is for your safety (and our reputation).
President William Jewett Tucker hoped, in 1895, that Homecoming would be a celebration of Dartmouth and a promotion of unity. He was right; many of our female students will find and embrace their future best friends tonight, while drunkenly sharing too much about themselves in fraternity bathrooms. While the Homecoming parade does surely promote unity, I also mention it for another reason. Regardless of what your friends encourage you to do as you approach the bonfire, do not touch it. I repeat: do not touch the fire.
Speaking of the Class of 2018: As of yet, many of you may feel isolated from the greater Dartmouth community. With the new advent of programs such as the ban on attending Greek events, we have taken great pains to make this the case. Every year, we blindly hope that the newest class will make better decisions than the previous one; every year, we are wrong. But whatever you choose to do this weekend, you are still a part of this school, whether we like it or not. Whether you are blacking out in Russel Sage or sneaking into fraternities, please keep in mind the Good Samaritan policy, and try to keep your shenanigans quiet so the Huffington post doesn’t get wind of them. As I am sure you are all aware, we simply cannot afford another exposé at this point.
Homecoming week is an opportunity to celebrate and display all the best aspects of the Dartmouth experience, be that our dangerous and alarming traditional rituals or our impressive ability to imbibe excessive quantities of light beer.
tl;dr: When you inevitably make horrible choices this weekend, at the very least, please make them with Dartmouth pride.
- That asshole on the airplane yelling about the kid behind him kicking his seat. Are you kidding me? This is a toddler you’re dealing with! Take a fucking seat, douche!
- That annoying girl in your class who can’t leave her opinions outside the classroom. Are you Professor Kilroy? No? Yeah, I thought so. Sit down.
- That guy hamming it up for the girls in your acting class. Dude, come on. You’re a tool.
- That arrogant kid in your political science class who thinks he’s the shit. Hey, smart guy? Yeah, you! You’re pretty cool and smart. So stand up! NOW SIT THE FUCK DOWN.
- That couple at the baseball game standing up at their seats in front of you. Uh…You guys make a better door than a window.
- That girl pacing back and forth in the library who’s really anxious about her exam. Can we get this girl a massage chair or something? Seriously calm down, take a breather.
- That really exhausted marathon runner. What?! This man just ran 26.2 miles! Someone please get him a chair! Come on! Maybe some water and protein, too!
- That elderly woman with the walker. Where is this woman’s wheelchair? Someone go grab it immediately!
- That girl who just broke her leg. Well I mean, it looks like she has only one option right now.
- The guy that just got served his meal at a restaurant. Well, everyone’s gotta eat…better sit.
- The woman who just finished her speech at that presentation. Well, she’s done. So…she should sit down.
The Jurassic Diet: Join the Movement!
Jurassic dieting is more than a diet – it’s a lifestyle. Jurassics subsist only by eating the decayed and/or petrified bodies of plesiosaurs, pliosaurs, and sauropods for protein, while getting essential plant nutrients from delicious aruacariacae, caytoniaceous seed ferns, and other delicious and believed-to-be-extinct species of flora. We all know that cycads were going to be the new chard; it was only a matter of time.
Hmm, so…what’s the point? How does this impress people?
Eating Jurassic decreases your environmental impact, helps rid the world of a lot of old junk underground that scientists probably won’t care about, and might give you something to talk about with that cute recently-divorced trainer at FitWorld – you know, the one with the boyish grin and sensitive eyes?
Alright, how do I get started?
The world is your dinner plate! Going Jurassic is as simple as:
1. Traveling to central Africa, the northernmost arctic island chains, or just about any other place the American government can’t touch you,
2. If said location is inhabited, slowly integrating yourself into the community over time and building up enough credibility with the elders and/or governing body to begin tearing apart the land without starting a war,
3. Setting up a high-tech, sterile, and efficient archaeological dig with a team of qualified scientists and a quirky wisecracker or two to keep things light,
4. THEN after several years of careful research, funding, digging, cataloging, and trying to balance a graduate degree in archaeology while looking for happiness and love in this love-to-hate-it, wonky modern world we live in, finally finding some goodies for your first Jurassic meal!
Why not just go Paleo? Isn’t that high-maintenance enough?
We all know you’re just looking for more exotic ways to make your friends feel self-conscious about their eating habits. C’mon! Go Jurassic, and be that guy.
Dad, I am sick of repeating myself. No, I am not a woman trapped in a man’s body. There is literally a woman trapped in my body. Thank you for being so open-minded, but gender dysphoria is not the issue at hand. Currently, we have a live woman stuck inside of me with minutes worth of oxygen left for her to survive.
I am in serious amounts of pain. Yes, I see your Legalize Trans shirt. That’s great and I do think it’s important to talk about Trans rights, but not right now. Right now, we need to call some sort of doctor or surgeon or EMT. I am not sure how much longer this woman will live inside of me and I can feel all of my organs shifting.
Yes, Orange Is the New Black is a good show and I have heard of Laverne Cox. But you are missing the point. I need immediate medical attention. I am worried about the livelihood of two people. Me, and this woman clawing at my insides.
I get that gender is a spectrum. You do not have to put that dress on as part of a lesson that deconstructs the rigid guidelines of social masculinity! Just call the police. Call someone! I would, but I am currently preoccupied.
Dad, my vision is blurring. I have a splitting headache and I have a severe pain inside of me the size of a petite, middle-aged mother—I’m guessing. I’m not sure. I can only see the outline of her as she is bulging through my skin.
You actually can’t see this? No it is not metaphorical. Don’t you see this elbow stretching out at my belly button?! Dad, please turn off Orange Is The New Black and come over here and help me!
Oh, I guess you’re right. I don’t know if this person identifies as a woman. Thanks for teaching me a valuable lesson.
The next time someone is trapped inside of me, I will be sure to ask for their preferred gender pronouns. But right now, let’s get her—I mean them (zer?)—out of me!
As kale soars up through the ranks of chic produce, infiltrating overpriced salad bars, the contemporary Instagram post, and self-promoting comments about just how life-changing that smoothie was, the Jack-O is here to provide helpful ways to bring more of America’s sexiest vegetable into your everyday life.
1. Why stop at smoothies? Line your organic beer drafts, sprinkle it in your soy lattes. Never drink kale-lessly again.
2. Fan mail? Fan kale! Send a couple of leaves to Lena Dunham.
3. Fuck your family vacation photos, grandma’s ashes, and other mundane knick knacks—line your mantle with mason jars full of kale. Your visitors will ooh and ahh at your creative whimsy.
4. Your mainstream perfume is a thing of the past. Rub yourself daily with kale and allow the potent scent of hip earthiness to follow you everywhere.
5. Elbow pads.
6. Stick it in your vinyl record player. All of your friends will be jealous of the fact that you were the first one to discover the soft and folky sound of kale.
7. Use it to liven up your sex life! When things begin to get toasty between you and that special someone, whip out your handy bushel of kale.
8. Make sure to mention kale during as many of your conversations as possible—after all, what’s the point of a kale-featured lifestyle if your friends and coworkers don’t know about it? Some helpful examples include “Did you hear about that serial killer over in Chicago? Reminds me of the kale I had with my cereal this morning,” and “that’s so sad, about your grandma… you know what else makes me sad? When I run out of kale.”
9. Saw off both of your legs below the knee and replace them with prosthetics made of—you guessed it—kale! Could you be more cool and down to earth?!
10. Glue two kale leaves together and use it as a plate. Place a large bacon cheeseburger upon it. Wolf that cheeseburger down like the animal that you are and throw the kale away because we both know that it tastes like garbage and you don’t really like it that much anyway, you pretentious crunchy piece of shit.
Welcome to Dartmouth! It’s the time of year again when you’ll probably notice many of your peers coming down with colds and other viruses. Please refer to the following guidelines to avoid catching a cold in the coming weeks:
- Don’t matriculate. The President’s hand is likely covered with dozens of germs that will spread to you as soon as you enroll at Dartmouth.
- Don’t go to class. Any number of students could have coughed on your desk before you got there. And besides, most of your classmates will probably be too sick to notice you’re gone!
- Become nocturnal. Being active only at night will reduce the time you spend around other students, lessening your chances of catching an illness from your peers.
- Catch Ebola. Distracted by symptoms such as projectile vomiting or uncontrollable bleeding, you’ll barely have time to notice your sore throat.
- Protect yourself. Wearing a large plastic trash bag over your head will allow you spend the rest of your life in perfect health.
- Live in the woods. By spending your first quarter of college in a smelly tent rented from the DOC, you’ll avoid all of the germs that your classmates are picking up in the dorms.
- Become a vampire! (Vampires can’t get sick, right?)
- Drop out of college. When it comes down to it, college is the root of all of your problems. Save money AND avoid illness by leaving Dartmouth today!
We hope that the guidelines above will help to make your first quarter happy and healthy.
-The Dick’s House Staff
“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and waxes.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to twerk a day in your life.” – Confucius
“That which does not drill us makes us stronger.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
“No one can make you feel their rear without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get it up.” – Vince Lombardi
“It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.” – Confucius
Just Doin’ You
“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely playas.” – William Shakespeare
“But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep with you.” – Robert Frost
“Now is the winter of our discotheque.” – William Shakespeare
Cellphones are perhaps one of the most emergent technologies in the recent decades. As with any high new tech, there are hurdles and nuances that must be overcome before an invention can reach the main stream. Humans have widely agreed that cell phones are, “pretty straightforward”, and “easy. to use”. But the question remains, Do bears know how to use texting? The purpose of this paper is to look into and in-depth whether the facts of this and other question(s) are answerable. Our theory is that, yes.
There are bears and there are cell phones, yes? So from here, we can wonder, “what if the bears used the phones for texting?”. Simple enough. But then, “Do bears know how to use texting?” Is this learned? Is this innate? And if bears do learn how to text, who teaches them? And why? Most importantly: Why would they text eachother when they can simply talk in Bear? Is this personal? This is the focus of our central study, as aforementioned earlier.
“Mother, will I get to use texting? Find out soon”!!
Bears are fierce and also
woodland creatures of many of our national woodlands. Sometimes, deciduous, sometimes otherwise, but not necessarily %100. There is more than one bear, so then we can logically assume that bears must somehow find a way to communicate if they wish to survive the years.
Cell phones are like old telephones, but: 1) you don’t need any plug strings. 2) sometimes you have to write a message. 3) The buttons don’t make noises, and sometimes there no buttons (though, sometimes the buttons do make nosies).
Knowing these, we can begin just as much research.
False Bear. 1999-2014. :-(
Do you think bears know how to use texting?
But, if you had to pick?
I’d say. Probably not.
Because; they are beers.
(from the old study, “Cellphones, maybe, huh, bear?”)
- All we had to do was find a sleeping bear, which was very easy you know haha. Don’t forget, we had Royce D. also on our research team.
- Royce D. lives behind the woods, which, as we have supported, are known to be full of bears. Grizzle, Black, Brown, excluding Polar and Panda.
- Upon finding the sleeping bear, we put a whole cell phone under her (the bear’s) paw. Would this be the bear to show us it knew how to use texting? We did not know.
- If the bear texted us, we would know for certain: Bears know to use texting.
- If the bear did not text us, We could come back, later maybe.
- If the bear texted us, is it a business bear? Maybe a doctor bear or a mom-lawyer bear. Very important to know which.
- If the bear did not text us, is it a nonemployed bear?
- Royce D. seems to agree, generally.
Bears do know how to use texting.
To: All Co-Workers
Hey gang, I know it’s been a hard week, so here are some fun riddles for you!
What is soft, whitish and smells kinda like chicken and mayo?
You guessed it! It’s chicken salad! See? That wasn’t so hard!
What do you call two pieces of bread, with chicken salad in between?
Wow, right again! It’s a chicken salad sandwich!
What’s my name?
Yes, that’s right! It’s Brian!
Ok, final riddle! In the English language, what does apostrophe “s” mean, when it isn’t part of a contraction?
I guess I really can’t stump you, can I? You’re right! It means possession!
I guess those weren’t too hard after all.
THEN WHY DOES SOMEONE STEAL MY GODDAMN CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICH, WHICH IS CLEARLY LABELED “BRIAN’S CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICH,” EVERY GODDAMN DAY? FINAL RIDDLE: IF SOMEONE STEALS MY CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICH ONE MORE TIME, WHO WILL COME IN AND INDESCRIMINATELY SPREAD HIS OWN SHIT ALL OVER THE OFFICE?
Hope you enjoyed the riddles!
On the quest for the Grail of Gondor, your fellowship decides to explore the Ferridian Caves. As you enter the first cave, you hear a slow creaking. Then a loud crack and you see the cave door violently shut. Falathar the Wise summons an illumination spell, which reveals not one, not two, but twenty armed goblins ahead of you. Like a wave the goblins charge…what do you do?
Do you A: Draw weapons and fight
B: Try to find a way out of the cave
C: Make out with Falathar the Wise
A. Are you sure you don’t want to kiss Falathar? It sounds way more fun than having to fight a whole bunch of stinky goblins. Well, I guess I’m not the one playing the game. Just so you know, they outnumber and overpower you. You all die.
B. You do realize that one of the options is kissing Falathar, right? He has a six-pack. Okay… there is no way out and you all die.
C. You turn to your right and lock eyes with Falathar. His illumination spell makes the light coat of sweat on his face glisten. You reach out your hand to caress his cheek and the two of you, somewhat cautiously, move closer to each other. You lock lips for a moment before your tongues meet and embrace in the safe hollows of your mouths. He is timid at first, but after coaxing, becomes a playful little devil. Your eyes closed, you do not notice the goblins. They are astonished by such romance. The goblin leader, Kaalurthur the Star-King, raises his hand to his horde. They applaud before leading you out of the cave.
Your fellowship marches on through the steep terrain and eventually makes it to the bluffs of Knife’s Holt. However, the rope bridge to cross the gorge has snapped from years of harsh winds. Your only means of safe conveyance swings limply from the other side of the cliffs. What do you do to get across?
Do you A: Have Falathar summon a courier spell to bring the bridge to your side
B: Find a climbing route
C: Take off all of your clothes, cover yourselves in body oil, and play-wrestle
A: This doesn’t sound like any fun, but hey, it’s your adventure. Falathar’s courier spell gets caught in the wind and accidentally drops a boulder on your group, crushing and killing you all instantly.
B: Have you read answer C yet? You’re still going to choose B? Okay. As you go climbing, you all, slip, fall and die.
C: You unbutton your cloak. Falathar and Graadlock cautiously follow suit. Tuurak Tam is stubborn at first, but after coaxing, eventually disrobes. Falathar grabs body oils from his rucksack and passes them around. Your group takes greedy handfuls before gently rubbing the oil all over your bodies. Graadlock begins to playfully throw a handful at Tuurak Tam, who splashes some back at him. Falathar grows eager and tackles you to the ground. Graadlock and Tuurak Tam jump onto the pig pile and the four of you merrily slip and slide your bare backs to and fro, this way and that, not knowing whose beard is where and which leg is what. Eventually Tuurak Tam rolls off of the ledge pulling the rest of the group with him. However, instead of fatally plummeting, your oily lubrication slides you safely down a rock face and over an upward slope that projects your party across the bluffs onto a soft, mossy bed.
You celebrate with more wrestling and Turaak Tam pins an exhausted Falathar. All of a sudden, the ledge begins to shake: an earthquake has started. What do you do?
A: Have an orgy
B: Continue hiking and then orgy.
C: Take a nice pre-orgy nap. And then have an orgy
The commotion of your raucous orgy knocks over a nearby rock revealing the Grail of Gondor. Congratulations. You have finished your quest.