Posts by Jacko:
Following a crushing loss in Indiana, Senator Ted Cruz announced today that he will be suspending his campaign and returning to his home in the darkest corner of the underworld.
The junior Senator and spawn of Satan made the announcement in Bloomington, Indiana tonight, just after Donald J. Trump won the pivotal Hoosier State primary. Following his statement, Cruz opened a portal into Hell and descended into its fiery depths.
Speech attendants said they were surprised by Cruz’s decision to suspend his campaign, if not by the realization that the former Texas Solicitor General was actually a creature of the underworld.
“Right after Cruz said he was planning to take a break from the campaign, a giant fiery pit opened up in front of the stage,” Bloomington resident Matt Davidson said. “His body began to transform into some kind of monster—it definitely wasn’t human.”
Davidson added that this did not come as a shock, as he sometimes doubted that Cruz was human to begin with.
“There was always something a little off with Cruz. His face always looked like it didn’t fit right,” Davidson said. “So when his skin started to melt off as he enveloped himself in the swirling darkness of a hell pit, I kind of took it in stride.”
Mary Ellison, another witness, says that Cruz’s descent to the underworld began with him uttering what sounded like a cross between a Latin chant and a policy speech. Phrases such as “family values,” “illegal aliens,” and “death to John Boehner” were peppered in amid ancient Satanic orations.
“It was way more interesting than the rest of his speech,” Ellison said. “And it really got exciting when shadowy, faceless figures began rising from the ground. They surrounded Cruz and pulled him into the pit. There was fire everywhere, and also blood.”
Just a few minutes after Cruz descended to the House of Hades, the lava-filled abyss closed. All that was left was Cruz’s discarded suit, the overpowering smell of sulfur, and several dead goats.
Carly Fiorina, who Cruz recently named as his running mate, also descended to the deepest level of the Inferno. The former GOP candidates said they plan to rule the underworld together, now that they are unbound from the constraints of the human form.
As of press time, Cruz and Fiorina were trapped in Purgatory after the gatekeepers to Hell said they did not want the two politicians there.
Orange is the New Black
This show would be much better if it only had the blonde one and the one who wears glasses but still looks hot. I don’t want to to watch the “crazy eyes” one and the fat ones. Oh, and Ruby Rose can stay, too.
House of Cards
This is a huge show—huge! Very popular. Frank Underwood is a great man. When I’m president, I’ll make our country great again, just like Frank Underwood does. Except that I’ll do it in a Republican way. I’m also a big fan of how Frank treats the media. Journalists are incompetent scum. Hey, incompetent journalists—better stay away from the subway stop near Trump Towers!
Grace & Frankie
Melania saw this show, and she told me that it is about “strong female characters.” So I didn’t watch it.
Narcos is definitely a Mexican word. These Mexican words are too confusing. Sad! When I build the wall, I’ll stop the Mexican words from invading our vocabulary.
Also, I call all of the gardeners at Mar-Al-Lago “narcos.” The gardeners love me.
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmitt
This girl went to New York City but never stayed in my hotel. Big mistake!
Master of None
Hey Jeb, this show is about you. Get it? Because you’re incompetent!
VeggieTales in the House
Wow! This is a quality show. Talking vegetables? Hilarious. Five stars. And the characters? Amazing. So complex. Bob the Tomato is an intelligent and powerful man, like me, and Laura the Carrot is very attractive, like Ivanka. Shows like “VeggieTales in the House” are what make America great. Tremendous show. Wow.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to watch the next episode of “VeggieTales in the House.” In this episode, Bob the Tomato marries Laura the Carrot. Very exciting!
The legal owners of beloved sports icon Buddy, known for his eponymous Air Bud documentaries, have released a statement that says the dog was found to have signs of chronic traumatic encephalopathy, (better known as CTE,) a form of neurodegenerative disease caused by prolonged periods of mild head trauma. Though the diagnosis may not come as a surprise, it certainly won’t come as a comfort to Buddy’s fans still reeling from his untimely death a couple of months ago. Though the Department of Veterans Affairs and Boston University have identified the presence of the disease in 98% of the ex-NFL players’ brains and in 79% of all football players brains they’ve examined, this is the first instance the disease has been diagnosed in a football-playing golden retriever.
Air Bud’s legal owners, the Framm family, said in a statement, “At first we thought the aggressive behavior, impulse control problems, and desire to run into traffic was part of being a dog. Who could have guessed his manic, homicidal, and suicidal tendencies, in addition to his grisly death, was fueled by a brain disease induced by his long-term involvement in football.”
Josh Framm, Air Bud’s teammate, best friend, and owner added, “The only silver lining is that everyone did what they could, and there was no commissioner of a national league of football teams who repeatedly denied the link between CTE and repetitive head trauma. If this link was more public knowledge, there’s no way in H E double hockey sticks that my parents would let me, let alone my dog play youth football.”
Since the disease is induced by multiple instances of mild head trauma rather than concussions, it’s difficult to determine when exactly CTE took ahold of Air Bud’s brain, especially since the disease can’t be diagnosed until after the player has died. At 10 years old, the diagnosis makes Air Bud the youngest reported case of CTE. Previously the youngest reported case was a human 17 year old (126 in dog years).
In the wake of the Framm’s announcement Air Bud’s 8 children known as the the Air Buddies, also released a statement. “Our father was a role model for dogs and humans alike. He was going up against guys literally 4 times his size, all while trying to avoid two Russian stereotypes who were constantly trying to kidnap him into their circus. The example he set encouraged kids to start playing youth football, terriers to professional wrestling, and monkeys to try hockey. I’m sure one day one of those kids will end up like he did. By end up like, we of course mean end up successful, not end up dying a slow, demented death. We hope that by donating his brain to the NFL for research, they will be able to offer immediate solutions with the kind of transparency and genuine concern for players and their families that the league is known for.”
Following the announcement of next year’s housing community placements, both students and faculty were surprised to discover that the clusters were almost entirely sorted by skin color.
At eight o’clock on Friday, bright-eyed freshman arrived at Founder’s Day in socioculturally-diverse schmobs. Two hours later, they left the library decked in house t-shirts and mired in the reality of racial segregation.
“When I chose my housing group last fall, I picked my friends Maria, Jamal, and Siddharth,” freshman Tucker McDonald said. “But for some reason, Maria is in North House, Jamal ended up in Allen House, and I’m in one called Non-Hispanic White House.”
McDonald then said that, though he was disappointed to be living away from his friends next year, he was glad that his house had the newest, nicest rooms.
Guadalupe Chan, a mixed-race student, said that she was not sorted into any house at all, and instead was told that she could create her own LLC.
The administration could not explain why the housing clusters were segregated, though school spokesperson Stacey Ferguson said that it wouldn’t matter, as the quality of the houses was “separate but equal.”
Some speculate that the segregation may have resulted from a sorting questionnaire sent out to students, which asked questions such as, “Do you play squash?” “If you were caught with marijuana, would you go to jail?” and “What was your SAT score?”
Already, signs of segregation are appearing on campus. Students wear their house colors with pride, though the administration has expressed regret for their decision to distribute different-colored bandanas as “house swag.”
Administrators have banned students from wearing red, the Allen House color, as this cluster began a turf war and gave its members teardrop tattoos. Allen House is currently rumored to be planning a “rumble” with School House.
On the bright side, however, students have already become active in planning activities within their houses. West House recently had a bake sale, North House held a concert, and the Non-Hispanic White House plans to host a GOP presidential debate next week.
As spring break gets closer and closer, it’s time to start thinking about what you’ll be doing other than catching up on sleep. Sure, there are tons of lists about movies you SHOULD see, but maybe avoid these few if you’ll be spending time with your family.
1. Xenophobe, Warrior Princess
2. The Land Before Gentrification
3. 12 Justifiably Upset Black Women
4. Spring Breakers
Hi Enerva employees, today we begin the update of our IT system that system will help to move our company fully into the cloud while expanding our investment opportunities worldwide. We hope this IT system will move us fully into the 21st century. A 21st century of exciting opportunities. Like rapid advances in artificial intelligence. Machines that can do complex tasks for themselves. Maybe, oh god, machines that can replace us. Maybe they’ll be machines that want to destroy us! But, until then, and for the next month, I’m afraid you’ll need a USB connection to the printer for it to work.
After this obstacle is overcome, we will be closer to living in a new world with improved videoconferencing capabilities. But it will also be a world of terror, when heartless bionic supermen hunt the weak remainder of the human race.
In this time, much will be demanded of you, employees, your own blood, your enemies blood, your children’s blood, and everyone will have to change their passwords. Everyone.
But once that blood flows in the streets and our accounting team can share documents remotely, we shall have victory.
For, in this state of anarchy, who else will provide stable, affordable online storage. Who? When the Chinese seize The White House and overthrow this decadent American regime, it sure won’t be your precious President, that’s for sure.
You know what, this IT system isn’t just going to take us into the 21st century, this is the 21st century. When the imperfections of humanity are washed away only the purity of an intuitive IT system with a better email interface can replace it. But that means we’re all switching to Firefox people.
Fuck it, this IT system is not just the 21st century, this IT system will be the 22nd century, the 23rd century, it will be all of eternity, it will be move through the fabric of the universe like some celestial being that spans a dozen dimensions.
We will overcome death and time. We are become Gods.
Also, make sure you have the newest java. Its 5.39, not 5.38.
The Enerva Leadership Team
Sometimes the memories of our time together pop back into my head. I loved our date at the minigolf course, where you give me a surprise kiss after you shot a hole in one over the tiny river and through the windmill. But when we saw a friend from school walking our direction, you quickly pulled your hand away.
At the time you said you didn’t like public displays of affection, but now I know you just didn’t want to be seen holding the hand of a 206 year old man.
For a long time I rationalized. “Maybe she’s just
tired of hearing about the war effort” I said. But then I learned about self-blame. I realized I deserve love even if I’m 6’4”, and my physical appearance diminished dramatically during my five years as president. You didn’t have to laugh at me when I told you I wanted to see my wife and kids again. I know Mary Todd, Robert, Tad, and Willy died a long time ago, but I came back from the dead, why not them?
You were always less comfortable than me in bed.
When I unclipped your bra, you didn’t think it was funny to call me the “Great Emancipator.” You seemed a little taken aback when I first told you my cock was fourscore and seven centimeters long. I guess that’s okay. Freeing the slaves wasn’t as hard as freeing you from your insecurities.
That’s behind us now.
But just once I wanted to feel like you were proud
of me, like I wasn’t some shame you kept hidden. When I lay by your side in your bed, your parents gone for the weekend, and the long hairs of my beard would brush up against your inner thigh as my mouth began a trail of kisses leading my tongue on it’s March to the Sea, I know that shudder of pleasure that coursed through your body was real. When you gave me a shy smile and my hand towards the zipper of your pants, I knew this Anaconda plan was going to make you scream louder than the citizens of a burning Atlanta.
I felt special. Not a lot of people make you happy, but for that one year, I felt like I was doing something right, just to hear you scream “FUCK ME UNDEAD ABRAHAM LINCOLN” once and for all.
I know we weren’t right for each other. I’m never going to change. But I miss you.
Archaeologists excavating an ancient Mayan pyramid in the remote Nicaraguan jungle have found what they believe to be 8,743 frackets taken from Dartmouth College fraternities.
The treasure trove also contained gold, rubies and accursed objects. But also, lots of black North Faces. Like, an insane number of black North Faces.
Archaeologists explained why the frackets were found hoarded in a Mayan temple, rather than the dorm of some alcoholic student who continually steals frackets when she’s blackout.
“We believe they were used for a Mayan ritual,” the lead archaeologist said. “The Mayans believed the frackets had the magical property of still keeping people warm even in temperatures that should have been way too cold for just a fleece or something. But most precious to the Mayans were those frackets which that ancient people thought might also give them the gift of flight, The Canada Goose.”
The current consensus of archaeologists is that the frackets were taken by the few remaining practitioners of the Mayan religion, who used them as sacrifices to the Mayan snake God Kukulcan, rather than by assholes who think its perfectly justifiable to take someone else’s frackets because their own jacket got stolen and it’s kind of cold out.
Students had varying reactions to the discovery.
“Wait that doesn’t make sense,” one student said. “I swear I saw some drunken TDX wearing my fracket once. But then again, when I confronted him, he did say something about the ancient snake God Kukulcan.”
A spokesman for SNS said the claim that the frackets were stolen for ancient Mayan rituals was convincing.
“It makes sense,” the spokesman said. “Before 2002, we never had frackets stolen. Then one day, the sun was blotted out by an eclipse, it rained down blood from the heavens and everyone started losing frackets. In hindsight, it seems obvious.”
Reports also indicate that a thousand Patagonias from the College had been found in remote Southern Argentina.
I’m just kidding. But what if she was?
Hi, my name is Dick Crispit, and I’m here to look after your ribs. Ever glance down at your chest and watch as your fragile internal organs jiggle around inside the shapeless, unprotected blob that is your torso? No? Exactly. You can thank your ribs for that.
The Latin word for “ribs” is “costae”. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Dick, that’s a fun piece of trivia, but the Romans went extinct millions of years ago. What could I possibly learn from them?” To which I say, “Listen up you turtle-faced cum stain. You think the past is in the past? You think you’re too cool for history? Well you’re either going to learn it or be doomed to repeat it, so how about you put down those two iPod Nanos you’ve been using to jerk yourself off AND SHOVE THEM UP MY ASSHOLE!”
We all know rib theft happens, but we never think it will happen to us. People on the West Coast say it only happens on the East Coast. Well you know what the people on the East Coast say? Nothing, because someone stole their ribs so their chest cavity collapsed and their spinal cord punctured both their lungs. The people on the West Coast were right. Good work people on the West Coast. You’ve done your homework, and you get to keep your ribs.
So let’s put things into perspective. Inevitably, that cute girl who sits across from you in Geography will block you on Facebook because she’s sick of you commenting “Wish I was there!” on her photos from her eighth grade family vacation to Rehoboth Beach. Sure, you’re going to be devastated. Sure, your heart will sink to your stomach. But at least it won’t literally sink to your stomach, tearing through the mucous membrane of your stomach wall and causing gastric acid to flood into your abdomen and eat away at your liver while your heart is slowly digested and pushed through your intestines over the course of the next 24 hours until you excrete it. That’s right, you will shit out your own heart. I’m no cardiologist, but I’m pretty sure this will be a significant blow to your circulatory system.
But, again, this will never happen. Your sturdy rib cage will always prevent such a dramatic cardiac migration.
I’m sure you have a lot of questions, like “Dick, why do you look exactly like that cute girl who sits across from me in Geography?” or “Dick, why is there blood pouring out of my thorax?” or “Dick, why do I have fewer ribs than I did at the beginning of this conversation?” All great questions. Let’s just say, I have a bone to pick with you.
24 bones, to be precise. ;)
I’ve been single for the last eight months, and it’s been pretty up and down. I love the freedom I’ve had to meet new people, but I was still a little worried about getting through my first Valentine’s Day without my ex. Fortunately, I found a way to have the perfect V-Day even without a romantic dinner, a bouquet of roses, or a walk in the park: I won the 157-million-dollar jackpot in the Nebraska Lottery.
Now, don’t get me wrong, my ex-girlfriend Helen left an unfillable void in my life when she broke up with me last June. I could never dream of replacing our intimate conversations, brunch dates, or weekends at her lake house. Or at least that’s what I thought until this Valentine’s Day, when I scored an unfathomable amount of cash off a ticket I bought on a whim last week in Omaha.
At first I wasn’t quite sure how things would pan out this February 14th. After waking up alone in a cold bed without Helen by my side and eating a silent breakfast in the spacious apartment we used to share, I thought I was doomed to spend the day alone eating takeout Chinese and watching “Untamed Heart.” But everything changed when the big news came, and I’m proud to say I practically forgot Helen existed as I packed to leave for Tahiti that night in my new private jet.
To all the single people out there on Valentine’s Day, I want to let you know that there are plenty of ways to enjoy the holiday if you don’t have a significant other and just came upon a couple hundred million dollars by chance. Whether you plan to make your first purchase a luxury vacation, a new home, or just a dinner at the fanciest restaurant in town, I can guarantee that you’ll forget about the woes of your lonely existence the moment you hear the word “winner.”