Posts by Jacko:

    ❧ Read the New Issue

    March 7th, 2014


    Check out our latest issue

    Pumpkin Face Fun Magazine

    Available now on Novack newsstands *



    I Can’t Believe You Ate The Whole Jar of Pickles

    by Drew Zwetchkenbaum

    Survey For My Sex Partners

    by Matt Garczynski

    Rejected Charlie Brown Specials

    by Jacob Savos

    How Is This Bag Full Of Children Supposed To Fit Into My Workaday Lifestyle?

    by Matt Garczynski

    An Interview With The Man Who Can Only Speak In Questions

    by Drew Zwetchkenbaum

    View the full version


    The Best Sam

    February 16th, 2014

    While some may accept being good, he strives to be the best.

    No Comments "

    Copyright-Abiding Names For The Super Bowl

    February 1st, 2014


    • The Big Game

    • Game Day

    • February Football Fest

    • The Lombardi Showdown

    • The Amazing Concave Dish

    • Doritos Commercial Championships 2014

    • Men’s Lingerie Bowl

    • It Sure Ain’t Chess!

    • The Fake Fight

    • Le Petite Sport

    • Rugby, innit? It innit.

    • National Couch Day

    • El Bowlo Supero

    • Groundhog Day

    • Bruno Mars (feat. Seattle Seahawks & Denver Broncos)

    -Jacko Staff

    No Comments "

    New Jacko Radio Show

    February 1st, 2014


    No Comments "

    Rejected Winter Carnival Themes

    January 12th, 2014

    ❄ Snow F’sho

    ❄ Cocaine Wonderland

    ❄ rICE

    ❄ Christmas In February

    ❄ Politically Correct Fairy Tales

    ❄ Nuclear Winter

    ❄ The Snowpranos

    ❄ Midterms! Midterms! Midterms!

    ❄ The People We Lost 2013

    ❄ Covidien Corp. Presents: A Very Covidien Carnival™

    ❄ 30 Years of SportsCenter

    ❄ The Glee 3D Carnival Experience

    ❄ The Last Temptation of ChrICE

    ❄ Werner Herzog’s Aguirre: Wrath of God

    ❄ Frozen Snow Turds

    ❄ Green Key

    No Comments "

    Derek (New Video!)

    January 6th, 2014

    Sketch comedy? On the internet?

    Check out the world premiere of our very own Sketch Team Dartmouth.

    No Comments "

    ❦ Read the Fall Issue

    December 2nd, 2013


    Check out our latest issue

    Autumn Lovin’


    * Available now on Novack newsstands *


    Love Is All Around You, Dipshit

    by Charlie Laud

    The Hazing Seminar

    by Drew Zwetchkenbaum

    I Think My Boyfriend Is An Alien Tasked With Shepherding the Human Race to the Next Step in Its Evolution

    by Matt Garczynski

    Letters From the War

    by Joshua Pearl

    5 Ways To A Man’s Heart

    by Kelsey Sipple

    View the full version


    No Comments "

    None Like You

    December 2nd, 2013

    I’ve been with a lot of women before, but none like you. You’re the smartest, funniest, most charming and beautiful person I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen so many. Trust me. I’ve been with a lot of women.

    So many girls come and go in my life, I can’t even keep track of them, but you I want to stay with forever. None of the crazy many females I’ve known could make me as happy as you do now. Believe me when I say it’s been crazy many. Call my friend Tyler. Tyler can vouch.

    If someone told me ten years ago I’d have to be with all the women in the world before finding my one true love, I would do it. Because that’s pretty much what I’ve done the past ten years—is slay women left and right I swear to God you had to be there. And I’d do it all again. For you.

    I could have settled down with any of the infinite women I’ve known, they were so amazing and so many, but none of them were The One. So I kept moving, from woman to woman, night after night, to find her. And I finally have. Call me a romantic, but I never stayed more than a single night.

    Oh my one and only love, among like a bajillion potential loves, I’ve waited for you every moment of my life that I wasn’t with someone else. I never felt so alone as on that night in the Sao Paulo youth hostel, when no matter how many women’s water polo players piled on top of me I couldn’t shake the emptiness I felt inside. With you that emptiness is gone, replaced with a love so true and pure no team of supremely gorgeous Swedes could replicate. There’s an insane amount of other women who couldn’t do that either. I’m serious. Insane.

    I’ve never said this to any woman before, mostly because I barely even have to talk to the unquantifiable shitload of women I meet, but I love you. You’re special. You’re the most special of them all, and I mean them all. All forty of the women I’ve hugged.

    Hugs count, right?

    -CL, MG

    1 Comment "

    Sit Down, Shut Up, This Is the Hazing Seminar

    November 17th, 2013

    hazing narrow

    Alright everyone, sit down and shut up. You are not allowed to leave this meeting. I am running it. You will listen. This is the seminar on hazing. You will refer to me as sir and only sir and nothing else. We will go over how to recognize hazing, how to avoid it and how to report it. If you are joining an organization on campus, by law, they are not allowed to force you to do anything you do not want to. To join one of those organizations, you have to sit through and then pass this seminar. To start off, no groups can ridicule you or make you do anything that none of the other members have to do. Does that make sense? Hey, big nose? Did you hear me? Pizza Face, over there. Yeah, you. Could you get me a coffee? Hey. Move it, don’t just walk, or else I’m going to make you sit through this seminar again.

    I’m going to have uh, let’s see, brace face. Yeah, could you bring that chalk over to me? Thanks babe. I’m now going to draw on the board some of the things that organizations like fraternities may force you to look at. Do not let them make you look at vulgar images. Take this vagina here that has a mustache. Look at it. Don’t let them make you look at it. That is hazing. And don’t let them make you look at things like this either. Look at this. This here is a penis with a swastika. They may make you look at offensive images. Don’t let them.

    Pop quiz. Can organizations let you be blindfolded? Yes, you, uh Afro-Jack. Wrong answer, bub, now run three laps. Let that be a lesson to you. You are not allowed to wear blindfolds. That is hazing. Next question. Can they make you do chores for you? Yes, uh, you with the Jewish in the face. Wrong answer again, that’s twelve jumping jacks, and when you’re done, you gotta wipe the penis and vagina caricatures off the chalk board. Last question. Can they make you drink? Beady eyes, what’s your answer? Correct, but that was too easy. Now you look like a suck up. Ten pushups.

    That ends the quiz round of this seminar. Before you go, I need to make sure that none of you have been hazed yet. So, everybody, right now I need you to get naked so I can inspect you for brandings or tattoos that organizations may have made you get. Ok, good. Oh, you know what? The lighting in here is pretty bad, let’s go across the street to the Strauss Lecture Hall. Everybody hold hands while you walk so that I don’t lose any of you. And make sure you are all singing. I don’t want anyone driving any cars to not hear you coming and accidentally hit you.

    There, that’s it. Good. I think we’re gonna be alright after all.

    -DZ ’16


    Pick up our latest issue

    Autumn Lovin’

    Available now in Baker & Novack!

    No Comments "

    Ghouls Gone Wild (New Video!)

    October 31st, 2013

    No Comments "