Posts by Jacko:

    Top 10 Buttholes on Campus

    April 5th, 2015

    10. Jamie P.Screen Shot 2015-04-05 at 2.05.03 PM

    Jamie P has definitely been working on his butthole. It is so much

    rounder than last year.

     

    9. Laura F.

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    Laura F.’s butthole is looking real tight and dark. That’s a top ten butthole

    if I’ve ever seen one.

     

    8. Donny P.

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    This is Jamie’s older brother, so maybe good buttholes

    just run in the family. This thing is so nice it even has an echo.

     

    7. Austin K.

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    Austin’s got the fundamentals down: round, tight and dark.

    Nice butthole, Austin!

     

    6. Austin Y.

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    Austin Y.’s butthole just edged out Austin K.’s butthole

    for style points. Way to keep that butthole fresh.

     

    5. Sharon O.

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    Wow, Sharon. That’s gotta be the roundest butthole we’ve

    seen on this list so far. Take note, campus.

     

    4. Sandy P.

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    She’s Donny and Jamie’s cousin. I don’t know

    what it is, but the Ps just manufacture amazing buttholes.

    That’s straight up coal mine potential. Noice!

     

    3. Colin F.

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    Can we get someone to check if this is a real butthole? This looks

    too dark to be real. No, but seriously, nice butthole, Colin.

     

    2. Anna C.

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    Cowabunga! This butthole just does not stop! It’s gonna be

    hard to top your butthole, Anna!

     

    1. Phil J.

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    I can’t tell if I’m looking at a butthole, or the butthole of God. This is one divine butthole. Phil, I have no words. You have got the best butthole on campus.

     

    -DZ ’16

     

     

     

     

     

     

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    4 Times you Wished Bob Saget From Full House was Your Dad

    April 5th, 2015
    1. That one time your dad forgot you at Walmart for 45 minutes.
    2. When your dad showed up drunk to your parent-teacher conference.
    3. When you came down stairs on Christmas morning and there weren’t any presents and he wasn’t there and you cried the whole day and he came back 5 days later with a woman named Carol.
    4. That time he missed your birthday 3 years in a row to spend time with Carol.
    5.  Seriously Dad, if you’re reading this, please come home.

    -RJ ’18 and AR ’18

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    Op Ed: Don’t Ban Branding

    April 5th, 2015

    Recently, AD has come under fire in the national media for a branding scandal, after one new member got an infection after being branded on his buttocks.  The college has vowed to crack down harder on “hazing” activities such as this one, but I, and many others, feel that this action is grossly misguided.  Banning all branding is not the solution.  If we outlaw branding, branding will only be driven further underground.  Instead, the college needs to establish safe branding practices, and public, college sanctioned spaces for ass-branding, to ensure infections like this never occur again.

    Let me be clear.  Dartmouth is a college, and college students are always going to brand each other’s asses.  There’s no way around it.  If you put together a lot of young, intelligent people, away from their parents for the first time, the natural conclusion is that they will start ass-branding. Even in the most repressive environments, teenagers will find ways to create lasting and permanent burn marks on each other’s butts, even without the proper branding tools, and all too often this means using unsafe branding techniques such as irons or hair straighteners.  Unfortunately, brands created with these methods are likely to become infected, and students who iron each other’s buttocks in secret are unlikely to seek help for such injuries.

    The  real problem is that we teach young people that ass-branding is something illicit that should be done in secret.  Studies have even shown that even something as simple as branding the family crest into a child’s rear end at holidays or family gatherings makes them more likely to practice safe branding practices in the future.  Unfortunately, with its zero tolerance policy, Dartmouth is encouraging the same repressive attitudes towards branding that lead to unhealthy behaviors. 

    Another common misconception is that the incident that happened at AD happened because of the fraternities.  People mistakenly believe that, if it were not for “pledge term”, this young man’s ass would have escaped unscathed.  Unfortunately, this is far from true.  When we get rid of frats, the branding goes underground, to the freshman dorms, in what are known as “room branding parties”, unsupervised orgies of debauchery and sizzling ass cheeks.  Unfortunately, in unsupervised environments such as this one, safe branding techniques are rarely practiced.

    So, instead of the draconian measures proposed by the college to end all branding of asses, a measure which is unfortunately unfeasible, I propose a system where safe branding is allowed, and even encouraged by the administration.  I imagine Phil Hanlon taking a hot iron to an incoming freshman’s ass during orientation at a branding mixer in Collis Commonground, and a new system of BIPA’s, brand infection peer advisors.  Branding is simply a fact on college campuses.  Either Dartmouth can embrace this, or it can continue its zero tolerance policy, driving branding even further underground.

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    -LB ’15

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    10 Things Only Math Majors Will Understand

    March 23rd, 2015

    Yeah, you probably won’t get these.

     

    1.That feeling of invincibility you get every time you turn in a problem set before the deadline.

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    2. That feeling of hopelessness that overtakes you when it’s too cloudy out for your solar-powered T-89 to work, but you can’t borrow your friend’s calculator because it’s not advanced enough.

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    3. Why “Webwork green” is the most beautiful color.

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    4. That factorials always look really excited(!)

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    5. How to pronounce “Gödel.”

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    6. What this equation means:

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    7. Or this one:

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    8. We all know only REAL math majors know when to use this:

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    9. Actually, if any math majors are reading this, can someone just like really quickly explain what this is used for? Haha

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    10. PLEASE, IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH MY HOMEWORK???

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    -LH ’16

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    Acceptance Speech

    March 23rd, 2015

    I’m proud to accept the Marketing Professional of the Year Award and there are so many people that I would like to thank. My boss for pushing me to succeed, my friends for supporting me every step of the way, my parents for raising me to be the man I am today, and of course the haggard ghost of Benjamin Franklin, who has haunted me since I was a young boy.

    I guess you could say I’ve been preparing for this job my whole life. Ever since I was little I was always more interested in pretending I was making posters to show off my make-believe business, while long dead founding father Ben Franklin cast his unearthly gaze toward me, instead of just playing sports or action figures with the other boys. Then as I got older you might say it was Ben’s bony hand on my shoulder guiding me or maybe my own sense of vision, but I knew I wanted to study marketing.

    It takes determination to succeed in this world, determination and just following your gut. You don’t rebrand one of the biggest fast food companies on the planet, the great Mickey D’s, without knowing when to listen to your gut. Ol’ Ben taught me that when he would point to his bony insides through the ethereal rags he wore and told me that “The ideas are here my child. Right here. When the crows feed this is where they will go first.”

    The only other day that rivals this in importance for me is my graduation. I could see how proud all my family members were of me. Even my Dad, strong ex-marine that he is, shed a tear. Hell, I remember on that day Ben rose up into the sky and let out a blood curdling scream that ruptured the heavens; henceforth large drawings of his greatest inventions fell from the sky and warped like origami to form the phrase “Congratulations, my greatest disciple.” It was truly a special day for me.

    Finally ladies and gentlemen I would like to say that I haven’t reached all of my goals at this company. No sir I have big plans going forward in the world of marketing and I hope you’ll all join with me. Now as Ben comes up to the stage I want to thank you all again for helping me realize my dreams. With this knife I drop my blood onto this contract, signifying that Ben and I can become one being as he always planned. As his ghostly form envelops me, the ritual can be complete and FINALLY WE ARE ONE, WE ARE THE LIGHTNING THAT YOU CANNOT TAME. TOGETHER WE ARE STRONG. TOGETHER WE ARE THE FUTURE. TOGETHER WE WILL BUILD A NEW WORLD. WE LOVE YOU MOM AND DAD.

     

    -JS ’16

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    Dear Samantha

    March 23rd, 2015

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    dear_samantha page4 corrected

     

    -BP ’16

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    ‘18 Enters TDX Basement in Search of Lifelong Friendship

    March 1st, 2015

    Sources close to Mike Peters ’18 confirmed that the freshman entered TDX last Saturday night in hopes of forming close relationships with fellow partygoers in the fraternity’s crowded basement.

    “Everyone is always telling me I’ll come away from Dartmouth with friends that will last a lifetime,” Peters explained, pausing momentarily to introduce himself to a couple grinding near him, “And TDX seems like the perfect place to start. Just look how many cool and social people are in this very basement!”

    As he pushed his way through the sweaty entanglement of gyrating bodies, even a failed attempt to make small talk during a stranger’s keg stand did not discourage Peters from seeking out the kind of college friends that he’d been told would one day make up his wedding party.  Intrigued by the wide range of social possibilities that the basement offered—including fighting fellow students for access to a limited beer supply and holding a girl’s hair back as she vomited in a corner—Peters continued to look for opportunities to form lasting bonds with the people around him.

    “I can’t believe how many interesting Dartmouth students I’ve met in this basement,” Peters told reporters, “Just look at that guy over there in the jersey.  He told me he’s already had 17 beers tonight.  And that girl in the green shirt? She apparently likes dancing.”

    Although Peters had only interacted with a small percentage of the party’s attendees by the time the basement cleared out, the night wasn’t a complete failure.  Peters returned to his room content with the knowledge that the unidentified girl with whom he had briefly made out would one day become his wife.

    -AR ’18

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    Wifi Outage Impedes Learning

    March 1st, 2015

    The Dartmouth Secure server, the main source of wifi for campus, unexpectedly went down at midmorning yesterday. The unexplained outage lasted from approximately 11:05-12:43. Economics 10: Statistical Methods, taught by Professor William Trentos, meets during this time and experienced the dramatic fallout of the wifi failure.

    Firstly, most students in the lecture experienced a state of denial. Many reported constantly refreshing their respective Facebook pages, Pintrest boards, Youtube videos, Reddit threads, and in the case of creepy Carl who sits near the back, their Pornhub pages. After a few minutes, it became clear to most class members that there was indeed a wifi outage. Students then had to face the incredibly difficult task of engaging with the Econ material for the remaining 50 minutes. Reactions from members of the class were mixed.

    Jack Smith, ’18, comments that around minute 12 without Reddit, he began to shiver and sweat, reporting an acute headache and shakiness.

    Cynthia Cross, ’15, stepped out of the classroom pretty soon after the outage, commenting that once she “actually started listening” she “realized that this was not French 2.”

    Ben Miller, ’17, says the outage forced him to leave a lot of the Buzzfeed quiz he was working on unfinished. Now, he said, he has “absolutely no idea which Sex and the City character I am” but instead has “like a pretty good understanding of probability theory.” He said that he hopes the administration will realize that these DartmouthSecure outages have “real consequences.” In fact, he says that because of this distraction he will now have to stay up pretty late catching up on videos of dogs that look like the cast of Scandal.

    Justin Michaels, ’16, counts himself as among the lucky few in the class that were unaffected by the outage. He was spared by the Sudoku game he had pre-installed on his computer. Michaels says he was “super relieved”, commenting that 45 minutes of unadulterated focus on Professor Trentos, the award-winning Economics author and researcher, would have been “literally horrible.”

    -RJ ’18

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    Hey Man, What Band Is This?

    March 1st, 2015

    “Hey man, what band is this?”

    “Oh this? This is, ‘The Travelling Merchant Came Upon A House And Looked Inside But There Was No One Home So He Kept Walking And Walking And Walking Until He Got Really Tired And Had To Stop For The Night So He Set Up His Tent And Looked At The Stars And Wondered If He Would Ever Sell Any Clock Radios Now That All The Governments Had Collapsed And There Were No More Radio Stations Or Record Labels To Tell You That Your Band Name Was Too Long Because A Band Name Could Never Be Too Long Only The Music Too Short Because All That Matters Is The Music And If We Wanted To Be Like Every Other Band We Would’ve Called Ourselves Something Boring Like You Wanted But We Don’t Because Even When Civilization Has Ended And There Are No Radio Stations The Survivors Will Still Get Together And Perform Their Own Music Using Whatever Scraps They Can Find And It Would Still Sound Better Than Anything Any Record Label Has Ever Made Because It’s Real Music Not Fake Pop Made By A Bunch Of Suits Who Want To Make Radio Hits So They Can Sell Clock Radios So They Can Buy A Big House Which They Will Have To Abandon When Civilization Collapses Only To Return Years Later As A Travelling Merchant Who In A True Twist Of Irony Has Forgotten That It Was The Very House He Bought But Now He Can’t Even Sell One Clock Radio Because Everyone Realized They Don’t Need Radio Stations Or Record Labels And The Only Thing That’s Important Is The Music.’ ”

    “Never heard of them.”

    -BP ’16

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    Tru Confessions!

    February 17th, 2015

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    “Last week I farted in the middle of an office meeting and blamed it on the intern.” -Rachel W., CT

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    “I watch Desperate Housewives. It’s a total guilty pleasure; I’d hate if any of my buddies found out. Can’t help it, though. I love the drama!” –Eric B., NY

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    “When I was nine, my mother made me take piano lessons. I hated them, so I slit my piano teacher’s throat and buried her in the backyard.–Annie S., KY

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    “We share a toothbrush. We know it’s gross, but we really do feel like it brings us closer together!” –Sarah and Dan P., IL

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    “I only recently realized that the reason the ‘afternoon’ is called that is because it takes place after noon. I’m 26!” –Sophie G., PA

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    “I eat Flinstone’s gummy vitamins—they’re delicious!” –Tom H., NJ

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    “It was raining outside, and she was heavy. Her body left a long track in the mud that I covered with sticks and leaves, and my knees ached as I knelt and began to dig a deep hole. It took me forever to clean the dirt out from underneath my fingernails.”–Annie S., KY

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    “Alex is actually short for ‘Alexandria’. My mom really wanted a girl.” -Alex D., OR

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    “People began to wonder where she went. She had no immediate family, and no one to miss her enough to pry further. It was eventually assumed that she’d moved away, and I stopped having to take piano lessons”–Annie S., KY

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    “I hosted last week’s book club, and accidentally dropped the gingersnaps on the floor right before everyone arrived! I brushed them off and served them anyway. Five-second rule, right?” -Laura G., DE

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    “I still dream about her sometimes, her frail body decomposing beneath the ground. I’ve stopped by to visit my childhood home, and when I walk past that spot I sometimes hear Mozart’s 40th symphony playing in the distance, softly enough to be blamed on the wind.”–Annie S., KY

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    “Sometimes I jaywalk.” -Jake P., CO

    -LK-P ’18

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