Posts by Jacko:
New Keggy Shirts
April 29th, 2012In honor of Jim Henson and Alcohol, we’ve got new shirts! On sale this week in Novack.
Thinking with Benji Kessler
April 29th, 2012
I’d like to get a full body tattoo of everything that’s behind me, cuz then I could always be invisible.
Introducing Tostitos® Brand Salsa and Tortilla Chips: The New Unofficial Sponsor of the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern!
January 29th, 2012
Introducing Tostitos® Brand Salsa and Tortilla Chips: The New Official Sponsor of the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern!
Dear Campus,
The writers at the Jack-O have been known as a lot of things over the years: Sleek. Edgy…Sledgy. We’ve also had innumerable plans of things we would like to buy if we had $123 thousand dollars. Hookers. Swimming pools. Swimming pools filled with hookers instead of water. But perhaps what we’re best known for is our appreciation and patronage of fine lines of authentic tortilla chips and dips.
Only the literal alignment of all the stars in the universe could explain the luck, then, of being approached by an unofficial Frito-Lay® representative of Tostitos® brand tortilla chips and dips. We love lightly salted tortilla chips with no extra flavoring or preservatives that are thus advertised as suitable for dipping, and Tostitos® wanted to target our market of what they—and resultantly we—call “sledgy” adolescents. It was a win-win situation. Or, as they say in Mexico, a viento-viento situation.
We immediately accepted the contract the representatives drew up, which was “surprisingly simple” and “crunchtastic”, as well as providing us with $123,000 dollars. And now we’re on the way to providing the Dartmouth and greater Upper Valley community with up-to-the-minute updates and catchphrases about a company that’s down with hip-hop and way up with savory artisanal flavors.
Some—such as 78% of the observant Jew staff at the Jack-O—might be concerned about claims that Tostitos aren’t kosher because they contain pig-derived enzymes to develop ”unique flavors.” Unfortunately for these individuals, Tostitos and Frito-Lay have a sterling and honored tradition of anti-Semitism, and so they don’t care for the concerns of Jews.
But really why we signed onto this binding contract was not our enjoyment of the productor its pig-extracted ingredients—it was the money.
Another thing a person could possibly state as a reason for legal reasons is that since the beginning of the Jack-O more than a century ago, every single famous member has enjoyed Tostitos® toothsome and nourishing ingredients. From Dr. Seuss’s love of Tostitos® Scoops to Mindy Kalings explicit endorsement of Tostitos® Gold on an autographed bag that we definitely have, Tostitos® is the Dartmouth Jack-O. Yes, Dr. Seuss’s memorable quote “I love how these Tostitos® Scoops allow for the easier scooping of salsa and dips” still is quoted fondly in the Jack-O offices. One could absolutely say this despite the fact that Tostitos® was founded in 1979 and the Jack-O in 1908.
So grab a bag of Tostitos® Spicy Quesadilla tortilla chips, dip it in your favorite Tostitos® brand nacho cheese, and take a hop in the Marlon Brando Jr. Memorial Hooker-Instead-of-Water Swimming Pool.
Because Tostitos®: It’s as American as Mexico.
Sincerely,
The Jack-O Staff
P.S. If you have seen Jack-O Editor-in-Chief President Jim Yong Kim, please ask him to contact us. He has yet to attend any of our meetings since his election, and we are having some minor leadership issues in terms of understanding the Jack-O’s trajectory.
Jim Kim Elected Editor-in-Chief of the Jack-o-Lantern
January 22nd, 2012
Greetings readership,
We are pleased to announce that Dartmouth College President Jim Yong Kim has been elected Editor-in-Chief of the Jack-o-Lantern. In our recent elections, Kim defeated incumbent editors Kenny Baclawski ’12 and Mike Gillis ’12 along with fringe candidates Dr. Seuss’ Ghost, former editor Dan Smolinsky ’11, and Ron Paul. Even though Kim was elected solely on write-in votes, the Jacko has a strong commitment to democracy and insists that it will stand by the group’s decision.
Jim Yong “Jimmy-Kimmy” Kim co-founded Partners in Health in 1987 and has worked for decades developing health programs in developing countries before becoming president of Dartmouth College in 2009. His experience in humor is less extensive, though we hear he did say something funny at Brown once. Nevertheless, the Jacko remains optimistic that his skills will translate well to college humor and pranks.
Kim’s election is not unprecedented. In 1977, United States President Gerald Ford had a surprisingly successful run as Treasurer, somehow increasing the Jacko budget to tens of millions of dollars. Less successful positions include the 1983 election of the Collis Center building to Secretary and the 1991 election of a vacuum to Social Chair. Though to be fair, the vacuum did keep the meeting room in Robinson Hall very clean.
We look forward to a new term of humor, pranks, and improved health in poor countries.
Sincerely,
The Jacko Staff
From the Jacko Vault: Scary Keggy!!!
January 22nd, 2012Keggy the Keg is usually a fun-loving, jovial creature. But sometimes he can be downright terrifying. You know what they say: it’s always the quiet ones…
#1: Demonic Butcher Keggy!!!
#2: What Keggy Looks Like to a Frightened Child!!!
#3: Oh God, What is that Thing It Doesn’t Even Look Like Keggy at All!!!
Pirate Comic
November 14th, 2011
Frank: The Guy with Tinnitus
November 6th, 2011Frank: The Guy with Tinnitus
Meet America’s favorite aurally afflicted goofball… it’s Frank!
Sheath of Choice
November 6th, 2011A piece of Harry Potter slash fiction
Oh... oh yeah...
by Mysterious Harry Potter Fan ’13
The Sorting Hat lay in his usual pose, lazily crumpled up on his shelf in Dumbledore’s office. He did what he always did in his spare time (which was all the time), prepare the song he would sing for next year’s sorting ceremony. As of now, he had written all the words and was replaying them in his mind, memorizing slowly but confidently.
Suddenly, a glint of silver appeared on Dumbledore’s desk and began materializing into something long and thin. The Sorting Hat’s eyes opened wide with surprise and anticipation. His cherished possession, for which he was the only true resting place, was returning. The object he wasn’t even sure if he owned, but that always came back to him, was coming back to him again.
After a few seconds the Sword of Gryffindor had fully solidified on the table. Narrow but thick and sleekly tapering, the sword displayed its alluring edge in the early evening sunlight entering aslant through the window. The rubies appeared watery, moist and plump in the pre-sunset gleam. The hilt, expertly ribbed to give a better grip, poked out from the end of the sword farthest from the Sorting Hat.
He could feel it beginning, the mysterious force, like magnetism, like destiny, pulling the sword and his brim toward each other. They drifted together in mid-air, floating in the space between the desk and the shelf. The Sorting Hat closed his cloth eyelids, bracing himself for the coming contact…
And there it was, the tip, always sharper than he remembered, grazing the inner side of his fabric. The tip snagged luxuriously in a square between his wide threads. The Sorting Hat let the tip of the sword linger there a moment, stretching the sensitive threads, even letting them tear ever so slightly with the pressure. The Sorting Hat adjusted himself to let the sword slip back out into his gaping cavity.
The blade tickled the conical interior of the hat, making the very strings that composed him shudder with arousal. The Sorting hat rotated himself, allowing the blade to slide delicately along his rim, each fiber in turn brushing the dangerous edge before being massaged by the cool metal underside.
The Sorting Hat trembled as the sword moved unexpectedly deeper. As it pushed into the pointed tip, the Sorting Hat could feel himself stiffen from the floppy cloth he had been before to an erect triangle, kept rigid by his own excitement as well as the support of the sturdy sword itself. The Sorting Hat panted low and heavily, opening his large woven lips to let out an extended moan of pleasure. Without him even thinking about it, his voice transitioned to music—and the second, secret song he had been working on came pouring effortlessly forth. He sang in a breathy voice, the verses punctuated by quick, uncontrollable gasps.
Young wizard heads don’t satisfy;
I need a lengthy sword.
With every sorting ritual
I feel like I’ve been whored.
I dream of you, my shining gem,
I wait here for your love.
I know that only your fine blade
Fits in me like a glove.
Your silver’s tantalizing strokes
Are slippery as grease,
And I only grow to my full size
When you slide in my crease.
You’ve been to every inch of me,
My every sew and weave,
And nothing fills my emptiness
Quite like you fill my sleeve.
Enter me, you lusty blade
And roam each seam and stitch,
‘Cause if you’re good I’ll call your name,
My zesty xiphoid bitch.
The furry scalps of children are
No match for your sword, Godric.
What else on Earth could loosen me
Like a huge metallic dick?
I searched for an eternity
For flame to light my fuse.
Then it appeared in ruby red:
I knew which House to choose…
The Sorting Hat paused his tune to clench his mouth shut, simultaneously closing his brim around the hilt of the sword. Gradually, the handle slid in, each of its smooth grooves rubbing against the Sorting Hat’s rough burlap. The brim drew tighter still around the handle’s final groove at the same time the tip of the blade began to strain against the tip of the hat. “Gryffindor…Gryffindor…GRYFFINDOR!” the Sorting Hat screamed. In one motion the end of the handle slipped inside the hat and the end of the blade ripped through the top. The Sorting Hat spurted a long ivory thread which unraveled all over Dumbledore’s desktop.
At that instant the headmaster himself walked into the room and beheld the mess before him. Picking up the Sorting Hat and setting the Sword of Gryffindor aside, he examined the fresh tear in the hat’s fabric side. “I guess we’ll have to patch you up again,” he said. “No wonder you look so beat up.”
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7260252/1/Sheath_of_Choice
A Day In The Life of A Dartmouth Student: Keggy
November 6th, 2011by Amanda Young ’15
10:00 a.m. Rough morning. Keggy falls overs walking to the Life Sciences Center for Geography 23, Recycling at the Big Green: Reusing Keystone Light Cans.
12:45 p.m. Keggy enjoys a hearty breakfast at Foco: unlimited mixers.
1:32 p.m. Keggy stumbles onto Frat Rowe. Drinkin’ time…
1:24 p.m. Frat Row is abandoned. Keggy enters basement and sulks over chugging.
1:58 p.m. Keggy strolls into his 2, Beverage Management.
2:00 p.m. Professors kicks Keggy out for bringing six-pack to Business Management. Beverage Management’s only offered at Cornell…a drunken error.
2:45 p.m. Drinkin’ time.
3:12 p.m. Ummm…drinkin’ time.
3:27 p.m. Drinkin’ time?! Or not? Keggy has run dry…
3:45 p.m. Keggy sprints to back of Fuel to oil his pump.
4:15 p.m. Keggy heads to Hanover to pre-club Students Against Destructive Decisions meeting.
4:34 p.m. Keggy dances on table at Canoe Club.
4:36 p.m. Waiter bans Keggy from Canoe Club.
5:00 p.m. Keggy wobbles into Collis Lounge and finds himself in Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
5:13 p.m. “My name is Keggy and I’m an alcoholic!” Drinks shot.
6:59 p.m. Keggy stumbles into the center of men’s varsity soccer vs. Brown and tackles Bruno, the Brown mascot. Go Dartmouth!
7:02 p.m. Hanover Police wins the mascot fight.
7:14 p.m. Keggy cleanses himself from an eerie stench of weed with Keystone Light.
7:13 p.m. Keggy blacks out*
*Note by Safety & Security: Keggy failed to remember anything that happened after getting Good Sammed though he was sighted by students at all 16 frats, 2 co-eds, and Jim Kim’s closet grinding, booting, rallying, and well drinkin’ according to interviews by Dick’s House.
Five Things: Homecoming Edition
October 16th, 2011Five Adorable Things to do During Homecoming
It touches the fire on its skin...
1. Complete the Dartmouth High-Fiving Decade (high-five a member of ten consecutive class years)
2. Caress the Fire. Like an infant.
3. Just ask for mixed drinks. Oh, how cute of you.
4. Black out from having just too much fun!
5. Rush the football field, hug the quarterback.
Five Creepy Things to do During Homecoming
1. Complete the Dartmouth Century.
2. Sacrifice a goat to the god Baphomet in the hell-fire.
3. Touch the Fire where it does not want to be touched.
4. Add “in my pants” to the end of other Dartmouth Traditions (e.g. Touch the Fire, Rush the Field, chug beer, etc.)
5. Complete the Dartmouth High-Fiving Decade. Masturbate furiously.
Five Types of People You May See at Homecoming
1. Peepers (tourists here to observe the Fall foliage)
2. Alumnuses, alumnaes, and alluminatis
3. Peepers (tourists here to observe the Fall foliage… right next to Kappa’s window)
4. Arson fetishists
5. Peepers (tourists here to roast Marshmallow Peeps on the bonfire. No, seriously. I’m not kidding officer, that’s what we’re here to do! We just happened to be glancing at that sorority window over there, honest!)