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    The Meal Plan Diaries

    March 4th, 2013

    December 21st, 2012, 8:56 PM

    After running the analytics for the fourth time, it’s settled: I’m opting for the 10. Sure, I sacrifice several coffees per week. It’s worth it for the raw purchasing power of Hop dinner specials.

    December 22st, 2012, 2:12 AM

    Woke up in cold sweats. I FORGOT TO FACTOR IN LATE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

    December 22nd, 2012, 9:22 AM

    Up for 6 straight hours rerunning the data. Too many Jalepeño popper purchases that come in just under a meal swipe. Looking like the 5.

    December 26th, 2012, 4:20 AM

    Haven’t slept for days. The DDS final selection date is tomorrow. Here’s hoping everything runs smoothly.

    December 26th, 2012, 7:00 AM


    December 26th, 2012, 7:02 AM


    January 7th, 2012, 11:58 PM

    First day on the 5 went OK. Stressful. Do I really need $800 DBA? Will write later.

    January 8th, 2013, 10:22 AM

    Then was checking out cute girl ahead of me in Collis line. Overheard her say she is on the 14. DOES SHE NOT REALIZE THAT THE 14 OFFERS 6 FEWER MEAL SWIPES PER WEEK WITH ONLY A $50 DOLLAR INCREASE IN DBA?

    January 14th, 2013, 2:01 AM

    Up late again. Maybe I should be on the 14? We could bond over it.

    January 15th, 2013, 1:20 AM

    Today’s lesson: never compromise meal plan ethics for a woman. Tried to buy cute girl lunch since she probably can’t feed herself on that shit stain of a meal plan. She’s vegan. Wasted a meal swipe.

    January 23rd, 2013, 5:25 PM

    Now that I am done trifling with women, I can focus on the big issues, such as block choice 90 which offers 10 fewer swipes per term than the 10. DOES EVERYONE ELSE NOT REALIZE THAT ONE MUST EAT DURING FINALS WEEK? Liquidity is NOT worth 10 extra swipes, LOL.

    January 24th, 2013, 4:21 AM

    or is it?

    January 25th, 2013, 3:14 PM

    Apparently data collection for meal swipes is classified as “stalking.”

    January 26st, 2013, 5:20 PM

    Apparently inspecting the food in your dorm (to determine if its relative quality is worth a swipe) without paying for it beforehand is classified as “stealing.”

    February 1st, 2013, 2:15 PM

    Living a nightmare. Forgot to record meal data the whole week. Will never know if I made the strategic choice.

    February 2nd, 2013, 2:15 PM

    Haven’t slept in 24 hours. Desperately attempting to reconstruct my past week’s food selection for data collection purposes. Haven’t eaten since The Slipup. No longer trust myself to record data.

    February 3rd, 2013, 6:17 PM

    Slept 18 straight hours. Meal rotation ruined. Wasted 3 swipes last week. Keep pinching myself. Not dreaming. No trust in old truths anymore. Must reevaluate everything. Except the 14.

    February 23rd, 2013, 8:20

    Saw same cute girl again from beginning of term ahead of me in Collis line. Now at -$219 DBA. BET YOU WISH YOU ACCEPTED THE FREE LUNCH NOW!!!!!!!!

    February 24th, 2013, 10:20 PM

    Saw her again. No sign of remorse. This time she PRAISED the 14 loudly to her friend despite a very clear -$232 DBA balance. Clear sign of mental instability.

    February 25th, 2013, 3:26 AM

    I must save her.

    Februrary 25th, 2013, 3:58 PM

    As I write from my jail cell, a bit of good news: I will be bailed out, and—thank god!—I am therefore not at risk for losing a week’s worth of swipes.

    I will only impart a few lines of advice:

    1)    Do not hack into a girl’s banner student account and forcibly change her meal plan to save her from herself.

    2)    Especially do not lock her in a room and watch your 20 page slide show admonishing her for her decision.

    3)    Not even if she is cute.


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    January 20th, 2013
    Officer, I am innocent. The reason there are bits and pieces of human remains in my backpack and some others found in my room is very simple. It was the wooly mammoths, you see.
    It all started a few weeks ago. Nothing is quite so frustrating as being interrupted on your way to class by the behemoth, stinking and covered with matted fur, that is the Wooly Mammoth. Yet I am constantly dodging them on the way to class, which makes for very annoying traveling, let me assure you, especially because no one else seems to see the Mammoths at all. Why, just yesterday, after I pitched my nomadic tent, while whittling my bow and arrow, keeping my eye out for some Chipmunks as a snack, I was nearly trampled by one of the giant oafs! And no one even seemed to notice. The lack of human decency since the invention of the wheel really is appalling.
    Then later while walking to Math 23: Differential Equations I was accosted by one, who seemingly sniffed me out outside my class. This was especially scary because I did not realize Wooly Mammoths could operate doors or had been granted Dartmouth IDs to gain access into the building. Others in the class, likely without my astute powers of observation, must have missed the 12-ton, 14 foot tall beast as it recklessly destroyed Dartmouth’s property, breaking all the windows in the study rooms and running off with several coffee machines. Why do Wooly Mammoths need coffee anyway? My teacher was not very happy when she heard my explanation for the damage, let me assure you! As I truly value a good coffee machine – had to stay up late fire-making, cave-painting, and grunt-practicing that week, ugh – I can understand her anger.
    But really, sir, that’s not the only problem on campus these days. When a Collis Employee asked me what I wanted for dinner last week, and I politely responded “garnishes for the soup I will make with this saber-tooth tiger carcass,” the Collis Employee seemed very disgruntled. Everyone knows saber-tooth-tiger soup needs at least a little garnish! And then he wouldn’t allow me to exchange an obsidian medallion fashioned by one of the Mystics for a meal swipe. It was not until several days later that I heard the man’s throat was sliced completely by someone’s obsidian medal, and a large bundle of spices stolen from DDS. As those wooly mammoths due have a history of violence, you might want to bring one or two in for questioning.
    Then, while I was doing some gathering practice just yesterday, attempting to sort poison berries from the normal kind by feeding them to passersby, I was threatened by one of your police cronies! Due to the Wooly Mammoth that stopped by around then, brutally killing off all the bystanders by slicing open their necks with obsidian, throwing coffee machines and soup-garnishes upon them, and hoarding the carcasses right next to my brand new coffee machines in my dorm room, there were no witnesses.
    After that, though, I decided have decided that Dartmouth is not well suited to the nomadic life, precisely because of this doggoned Wooly Mammoth infestation. So I decided to hunt and gather my way across New Hampshire. I met another person on this trail, who accepted my barter of my obsidian medallion for some coffee, which I found very fair. It was just unfortunate that the very next minute she was torn into pieces and her bloody body stowed away in my backpack for safekeeping by several Saber-tooth tigers and four … no, definitely five Wooly Mammoths. A different traveler called you policemen just a few minutes later. But as you can see it was in no way my fault. So I’m sure this is all settled, and I really have to be on my way. Any other questions?

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    12 Uses for a Christmas Fruitcake

    January 13th, 2013

    Really, do anything except eat it.

    by Charlie Rafkin ’16

    1. Insert into food processor; add myrtle; add 30 shots of absinthe; get fucked up.

    2. Mold fruitcake into flip-flops for dorm bathroom. Nothing is quite so supple as a fruitcake. Bonus: the mixture of cherry fruitcake, mold, and shower water is scrumptious. Not that strawberry shit though. Never that strawberry shit.

    3. Stick fruitcake upon Christmas tree in ironic protest of religion.

    4. Stick fruitcake upon non-Christians in ironic protest of heathenism.

    5. Stick fruitcake upon family dog in ironic protest of dogs.

    6. Smash fruitcake on Uncle Dave’s drunk-ass girlfriend the next time she mentions her own goddamn traditions at our goddamn Christmas dinner.

    7. Let congeal. Wear as hat.

    8. Let congeal; place under shirt; pretend you have really tasty boobies.

    9. Stick fruitcake upon fruitcake in ironic protest of fruitcakes.

    10. Mash fruitcake into soupy substance with your teeth and gargle. After having removed Nana Camille’s dentures, lovingly spit fruitcake mush into her gaping, clamoring gullet.

    11. Insert roofies; feed to rhinoceros; slay rhinoceros; skin rhinoceros; fashion rug; rest weary feet upon rhinoceros carcass.

    12. In a true display of Christmas spirit, open a fruitcake kitchen. Share poisoned fruitcake with the homeless.

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