This Fertilizer Is Shit

Dear FertilizeMe Lawn Care Company,

When I first saw your bag of extra-strength fertilizer sitting on my local Home Depot’s shelf, I was ecstatic. I had just picked up some new equipment to start my green adventure and I had almost forgotten to buy a bag. I eagerly started my digging and sowing and all that stuff, but something seemed wrong. At first I persuaded myself that you fine folks at FertilizeMe had just made an honest mistake, but now I’m convinced. You bastards sold me shit. I don’t know if this is some sort of sick joke or something, but I went through three bags of fertilizer until I realized that you did, in fact, sell me bags of shit. You guys are a bunch of sick fucks. I put that stuff in my yard where I plant my tomatoes and cucumbers. My children eat those vegetables. You warped bastards are feeding my children shit. I don’t even understand how this is good for your reputation! Are people so dumb that they can’t wake up and smell the shit? Green thumb? Black thumb? More like brown thumb. Now I understand why terrorists love putting fertilizer in their bombs, to shit all over America. You are a shitty company that sells shit. Just put that on the bag instead.

Sincerely,

Mike

P.S.- My petunia’s came in nicely with your “fertilizer”

-JP ’16