Our Halloween Decorations Are Super Lifelike!

Mom, I can’t find our Halloween decorations. Oh, never mind, here they are. We got a lot of neat stuff down here: lights, lamps and there’s a scary skeleton. Whoa! What’s that over there? That looks like a real dead body. When did you get this? It’s so realistic. It kind of looks like Dad’s old secretary: the one who you said Dad was spending too much time with. Why did she get fired again? It smells so bad too. This is so realistic. Neato!

Wow, Mom, how many of these do we have? They are so lifelike. That one kind of looks like my old first grade teacher, Ms. Flanagan. She died in that plane crash, right? Didn’t that crash happen after the parent teacher conference that you couldn’t go to so dad had to go alone? Whoa. Her hand is missing and the rotting looks so real! This is so cool.

Check out these fake rats and flies pretending to eat this one. She’s all bloated too…just like I learned in my science class! It looks like our old neighbor, Mrs. Schwartz. The one who was always talked to Dad before and after his morning runs. You said got stranded on a cruise ship. Look at the red x mark she has behind her ear. Must be from the toy company. These are sweet, Mom.

And this one kind of looks like my old baby sitter, Jenny. She was the one who used to intern for Dad. Didn’t she move away when her father relocated with the Navy? Whoa! She’s wearing a dunce cap, and there’s a cool sign hung around her neck with the word “whore” on it. What does “whore” mean? And there is a sword going through her stomach! It looks so real. Was this locally made? Talk about artistry.

Holy cow! Another one! The whole room is filled with these awesome decorations. This one looks like your sister. There’s a carving on her back that says “Who’s the backstabbing whore now?” Remember when she helped Dad take care of me when you had to go on a business trip last year? Hey, are we going to be able to visit Aunt Clara anytime soon, or is she still too busy with her super secret spy mission to Australia?

Whoa! That animatronic model of Dad’s new fitness trainer is so lifelike. It almost sounds like she is asking me to untie her. And now she’s saying my mom is a sadistic murderer bent on killing any woman that looks at my Dad the wrong way. Where did you get all these, Japan? Mom, I think this is going to be an awesome Halloween.

-DZ ’16