We’re Doing Things Differently On the Force Nowadays

kid-copEverybody, gather round. We’re gonna be doing things a little differently on the force now. I hired a PR consultant, Saul Lemkin, and he has some pretty good ideas for this precinct on how to improve our image. He has done extensive work in his field and was one of the key players in the success of Fisher Price and Teddy Bearskins.

To start, we are no longer going to refer to subpoenas as subpoenas, but rather as Subby the SubTerranean earth worm. Saul feels that people would be more receptive to being served if it weren’t in the form of legal documents, but rather of an anthropomorphized invertebrate wearing this little hat and carrying this cane. All of the fine print can be found written along his old, worm man ridges.

Next, we are doing an overhaul on handcuffs. They will be replaced with a pair of pink fluffy “Hand Huggers,” named Harry and Harriet. Saul thinks that people might less irritable if they perceive handcuffs not so much as punishment, but as a way to bring their hands together as friends. The Hand Huggers will be just as functional as any other pair of handcuffs, but they will just be more comfortable, adorable, and passion-fruit scented.

Also, all of our tasers are going to be replaced with Buzzy, the neuromuscular incapacitating bee. For all intents and purposes, it works just like a taser, but we added a nice pair of bumblebee wings and a sound effect button. When you are using a taser, it will play the “Buzz, Buzz, You Buzzy Bumblebee Song” as it sends a 50,000-volt shock through the perp and brings his convulsing body to justice.

We are going to be changing our uniforms as well. The people of this town tend to find us intimidating and unapproachable, so we are now all required to wear these suits. The fluffy bunny tails on the back will be tailored to size and proportional to the officer’s height and weight. The floppy ears on the hat, however, will not be modified so as to produce a funny image on our smaller officers for whom the ears will look comically and adorably oversized. Speaking of which, we will no longer be referred to as officers, but rather “Happy Make Bad Guy Go Bye Bye Men”. We are working on an abbreviation as we speak so as to cut down on the time when calling for back up to help make a bad guy go bye bye.

I think that I have about covered all of the new changes to the force. Anything I didn’t mention can be found in the pink, pop up, boardbook pamphlets. The pages are thicker so that they are easier to flip and the pop up images are simultaneously interactive, fun and informative. Everyone please come up and collect your new uniforms, hats and board books. Also, feel free to take some of the apple juice and animal crackers that Saul has so thoughtfully provided.

-DZ ’16