5 Ways To A Man’s Heart

1) Go to med school, complete your residency, and perform open heart surgery

2) Don’t go to med school, perform open heart surgery, get arrested, go to prison (and potentially stab someone in the chest)

3) Acid

4) Shrink to a microscopic size and enter via the nasal cavity, methodically making your way through the cardiovascular system to arrive at said heart

5) Take a leap of faith. Move to a new city with nothing but your suitcases and an open mind. At your new job, be flirty and inviting. Meet a guy who’s cute and trust your instincts – let it blossom into something more meaningful than just “work friends.” Let him in, be vulnerable, let him see the real you. Then, as he peacefully drifts to sleep after hours of passionate lovemaking, stab him in the chest.

-KS ’16


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