The SC

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INT. GIRLS’ LOCKER ROOM

Justices RUTH BADER GINSBURG, ELENA KAGAN, and SONIA SOTOMAYOR step out of their volleyball uniforms and lift black ROBES over their heads.

Ruth
Way to stick it to those Department of Labor biznatches, Sonia.

Sonia
Thanks.

Ruth
You take that game to the real court and there’s no way we can’t kick this case’s ass.

Elena
Shoot. We got a case today?

Ruth
Big one. Deciding if it’s constitutional to ban marriages.

Elena
Oh, don’t start me on marriage. Ain’t nobody gonna tie this bitch down.

Ruth
Not your marriage, El. Same-sex marriage.

Elena
Like for those musical theater kids in the Capitol Steps?

Sonia
Ugh, you’re such a homophobe.

Elena
Am not. Speaking of marriage, when you and Justice Roberts gonna seal the deal?

Sonia
Gah-ross!

The three justices step out the swinging locker room doors clutching their case files to their chests.

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INT. HALLWAY

Hormone-addled law clerks and administrators mingle on their way to the Great Hall.

Sonia
Besides, it was one time. At that Monsanto rager.

Ruth
We legalized 5 strains of glyphate-resistant kush that night.

Elena
That was a bitch to overturn in the morning.

Sonia
Roberts probably doesn’t even remember.

Justices JOHNNY ROBERTS, ANTONIN SCALIA, and CLARENCE THOMAS roll up wearing stars-and-stripes varsity jackets over their black robes. They are trailed by the dweeby SAMMY ALITO, sans jacket.

Johnny
Remember what?

Elena
Oh heyyy Justice Roberts.

Johnny
That’s “Chief Justice” Roberts.

He points to a big ‘C’ on the front of his jacket.

Johnny
You ladies ready for game day?

Scalia dribbles an imaginary basketball and shoots a fadeaway.

Alito
Swish!

Thomas deadarms Alito.

Ruth
More ready than you jerks are. You’re probably gonna vote for the Defense of Marriage Act.

Johnny
So what if we are?

Sonia
Because it’s bullying people for being different.

Johnny
That’s America, sweetheart. Voting American is the reason why we’re this court’s All-Stars…

He holds out his hands for Thomas and Scalia to low-five. Alito misses.

Johnny
And you’re just the benchwarmers.

Thomas and Scalia let out an audible ‘ooooh’ as they walk away. Alito shrieks a hyena laugh and double-karate chops his crotch. He scampers after his friends.

Hopeless nice guy JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER approaches Sonia. He was watching the whole time.

Stephen
You shouldn’t let him treat you like that.

Sonia
I know, Breyer.

Stephen
Here. Let me take your files.

Elena
Cum in a sock, Justice Breyer. She’s good on her own.

Stephen
Kagan, you’re just jealous ’cause I didn’t ask you to the inaugural ball.

Ruth
Save it, Breyer.

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INT. GREAT HALL ENTRANCE

Johnny Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Alito strut to the Great Hall door. Johnny gets a tap on the shoulder. It’s JUSTICE ANTHONY “TONY” KENNEDY.

Tony
Hey.

Johnny’s eyes widen.

Johnny
(to friends)
You go ahead, guys.

Clarence Thomas
Something the matter?

Johnny
Nah, just gotta cop some notes off Justice Kennedy before the case.

Scalia, Thomas, and Alito step into the Great Hall.

Tony
You’re voting down DOMA.

Johnny
What? No way.

Tony
But you said!

Johnny
I said a lot of things–

Tony
A vote against it is a vote for us. For our future.

Johnny
We don’t have a future! We never did!

Johnny turns and trudges through the door. Tony stands confused, dejected.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

-Matt Garczynski