Guy On Longboard Never Stops For Friendship


skateboardcolorAccording to reports from students and faculty Monday morning, a mysterious longboarder was spotted kicking his way to parts unknown, never once stopping to let nobody love him.

“Once he rolled on into town, I had a mighty right suspicion he was no good,” said Marybell Sue ‘16. “But watching him go in a cloud of dust, I knowed I’ll never forget him.”

Hardened by a lifelong journey either to or from class, the Boarder With No Name has made an impression on all who have seen him roll by.

“Strange thing is he never talked none,” said Everett Glint ‘14. “Probably on the cause he was wearin’ iPod headphones and texting.”

Some speculate he is a servant of the Lord, put on this earth to roam. “He’s a restless soul,” said Father Winston ‘16. “Neither sewer grate nor heavy foot traffic gonna settle him down.”

The Grafton County Sheriff’s Department has been tailing the man for months to issue him a warning about riding on the sidewalks without a helmet.

“He’s smart as a whip, and we’re no closer to finding him than we were Day 1,” said the sheriff. “I’d be cussing on my daddy’s grave if I didn’t confess I’ve gained a deep respect for him.”

Legend of the longboarder has spread as far as off-campus, where some claim to have spotted him rolling into the CVS parking lot. A CVS  manager declined to comment, scrubbing a glass bottle of pharmaceuticals and proclaiming that they keep quiet ‘round those parts.

“We’re hurting here in the River Cluster,” said Anne-Marie Preston  ‘15, shielding her two crying children from the brutal New Hampshire sun. “We could use a man like the Boarder.”

Many fail to give creedence to the college’s silent guardian angel, refuting him as a trick of the pavement, or a story to keep the young’uns behaving.

Only a small few have gotten a good look at the man. “Oh, that kid?” said pyschology professor Aaron Moss. “Yeah, I think that’s Evan. Always shows up late. He’s not doing too well in my class.”



Pick up our latest issue

The Dartmovth - The Jacko’s Oldest College Newsparody

Available now!