Old Traditions Fail

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Life isn’t like this anymore.

Speaking at a conference on the Dartmouth Hall lawn Tuesday afternoon, Board of Trustees Chair Steve Mandel ‘78 tearily announced that the Old Traditions have failed.

“They had their moment in the sun,” said Mandel. “If you were a student fifty years ago, sure, they might have been great. But we’re too different now.” Mandel then stepped down from the podium and unlocked the Dartmouth Hall doors without fanfare or ceremony. “Who cares?” he said, and dejectedly exhaled a lungful of hill winds.

While sources reported that adhering to the Old Traditions was often fun and provided deep emotional comfort, many are recognizing that the traditions were not made for rational people in the 21st century.

“It was probably a mistake to invest our pride and happiness in them for so long,” said Emily Moraff ‘15 as she disposed of vomit-covered bequested flair in a trash bin.

Students have already reported making up their own rules for pong, spending a Friday night on a hill somewhere, not caring what athletes do, and letting women and minorities do their thing.

“My friends and I used to complain about how renovations would change the ‘character’ of the school,” said Evan Lerner ‘13. “What does that even mean? What were we accomplishing?”

Abandonment of the Old Traditions has left the Greek system particularly confused as it grapples with the awareness that it has no real basis in a higher order or a romanticized ancient Greece. “I drank vomit and licked a friend’s ballsack, because people I didn’t know had been doing it for years,” said affiliated student and graduating senior Trevor Pratchett. “Maybe I shouldn’t have dedicated the prime of my life to an entirely meaningless, unproductive thing.”old traditions image

“Yeah, sure. Girls can join,” he continued as he waved two female students into his frat without any sort of contrived initiation rites.

The simple question of “why?” has already brought on radical changes in the campus culture. Wednesday night saw record numbers of students hanging out with whoever they wanted to, while S&S reported an unprecedented 17 cases of individual expression and autonomy.

In a desperate attempt to comfort alumni, who commit their lives and money to preserving the Old Traditions, the college turned on the green Baker Tower light and played the Alma Mater on the bells every fifteen minutes. An old-timey baseball game took place on the green, while a cartoonish brown stereotype hooted in wild support of the all-white, all-male team. A blonde woman won the title “Ms. Dartmouth” without speaking a word. Freshmen ran around a bonfire in adherence to things they weren’t sure of. “I’m a lad again!” shouted Elmer Westgate ‘52, successful in his efforts to shape the world in his youth’s image. The non-alumni in attendance left uncomfortable and confused.

Upon losing their Old Undying Faith, the entire Dartmouth community stood aimless on the Green, realizing they were surrounded by a bunch of old, dusty buildings and granite rocks. After several minutes of existential dread, the sons and daughters of Dartmouth agreed to move collectively towards a better future. They began an all-inclusive, utopic game of Broomsticks, and proceeded to sodomize each other with brooms. Thus rose the New Traditions.

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