Today is finally the big day. Today I meet the girl of my dreams. For six months now we’ve been talking to each other online. It seems like only yesterday that we met on a chat room for Jewish Singles. There was an instant connection. We are the same age, we live in the same city, and our parents happen to work at the same consulting firm. Neither of us post pictures of ourselves online because we have always felt a little self-conscious. We both have the same favorite number, 8, because that was the number we had on our respective soccer teams as kids. We both feel assured that neither is secretly a creepy old guy because we share the same favorite artist – the very hip Katy Perry. Our favorite song is “I Kissed a Girl” because we both happen to have sung this once due to a dare. We both dream of one day owning our own bed and breakfast where we will deny old people service. If we ruled the world cat ownership would be mandatory and “smooth Jazz” would be eliminated as a musical genre. Our connection is unmistakable; we are soul mates. I cannot wait to go to the restaurant and meet her tonight.
Everything is terrible. I got to the restaurant all excited and there was only a note that read:
“Steve – I am sorry to have to tell you this but I am not real. I am a figment of your imagination. After blowing it with Kathleen six months ago, your already frail mind split and created this alternate female personality. You have been talking to yourself this past few months . I like you a lot Steve but I think it’s best that we see other people. Don’t worry, your parents knew all along and they have cake waiting for you at home. They were just enjoying having a daughter for once. Best of luck to you Steve, you are a cool dude and I’m sure there is some real girl out there who could like you.
P.S. I will be using the body Friday night for my date with the captain of the football team.”
I guess I have no one to blame but myself. That would explain all the teenage girls clothes that my mom has been buying. Really this could have happened to anyone. Female me is right, I just need to get back out there. The good news is someone on the chat room just messaged me. I have a good feeling about this one.
- JS ’16