Pen Pals With Benefits

Why ruin a close friendship with sex when you can just as easily ruin a long-distance one? Follow these steps to quickly turn that pen pal into a you-know-what buddy:

  • Get back in touch. Haven’t written since that grade school in-class assignment? No problem! All that time away was perfect for letting the sexual tension swell. You’ve kept your pen pal waiting. Now they’re interested.
  • Ask about your pen pal’s hobbies, interests, and if they’re a top or bottom.
  • Talk about all the ways people have sex where you’re from. Ask about all the ways they have sex where they’re from. Do they have sex clockwise or counter-clockwise?
  • Teach your pen pal English slang. “Jump bones,” “want the D,” and “get your beej sleejed” are all phrases they can use with a friend. Specifically you.
  • Say you would like to meet them someday. You could go out to restaurants, visit tourist sites, and rawdog on the top bunk of a dimly lit hostel room.
  • Remind your pen pal that you will be having a one-time no-strings-attached fuckfest and will never have to lay eyes on each other again. And do they like pizza?
  • Enclose a one-way ticket to the airport nearest you. Wait.