Officer, I am innocent. The reason there are bits and pieces of human remains in my backpack and some others found in my room is very simple. It was the wooly mammoths, you see.
It all started a few weeks ago. Nothing is quite so frustrating as being interrupted on your way to class by the behemoth, stinking and covered with matted fur, that is the Wooly Mammoth. Yet I am constantly dodging them on the way to class, which makes for very annoying traveling, let me assure you, especially because no one else seems to see the Mammoths at all. Why, just yesterday, after I pitched my nomadic tent, while whittling my bow and arrow, keeping my eye out for some Chipmunks as a snack, I was nearly trampled by one of the giant oafs! And no one even seemed to notice. The lack of human decency since the invention of the wheel really is appalling.
Then later while walking to Math 23: Differential Equations I was accosted by one, who seemingly sniffed me out outside my class. This was especially scary because I did not realize Wooly Mammoths could operate doors or had been granted Dartmouth IDs to gain access into the building. Others in the class, likely without my astute powers of observation, must have missed the 12-ton, 14 foot tall beast as it recklessly destroyed Dartmouth’s property, breaking all the windows in the study rooms and running off with several coffee machines. Why do Wooly Mammoths need coffee anyway? My teacher was not very happy when she heard my explanation for the damage, let me assure you! As I truly value a good coffee machine – had to stay up late fire-making, cave-painting, and grunt-practicing that week, ugh – I can understand her anger.
But really, sir, that’s not the only problem on campus these days. When a Collis Employee asked me what I wanted for dinner last week, and I politely responded “garnishes for the soup I will make with this saber-tooth tiger carcass,” the Collis Employee seemed very disgruntled. Everyone knows saber-tooth-tiger soup needs at least a little garnish! And then he wouldn’t allow me to exchange an obsidian medallion fashioned by one of the Mystics for a meal swipe. It was not until several days later that I heard the man’s throat was sliced completely by someone’s obsidian medal, and a large bundle of spices stolen from DDS. As those wooly mammoths due have a history of violence, you might want to bring one or two in for questioning.
Then, while I was doing some gathering practice just yesterday, attempting to sort poison berries from the normal kind by feeding them to passersby, I was threatened by one of your police cronies! Due to the Wooly Mammoth that stopped by around then, brutally killing off all the bystanders by slicing open their necks with obsidian, throwing coffee machines and soup-garnishes upon them, and hoarding the carcasses right next to my brand new coffee machines in my dorm room, there were no witnesses.
After that, though, I decided have decided that Dartmouth is not well suited to the nomadic life, precisely because of this doggoned Wooly Mammoth infestation. So I decided to hunt and gather my way across New Hampshire. I met another person on this trail, who accepted my barter of my obsidian medallion for some coffee, which I found very fair. It was just unfortunate that the very next minute she was torn into pieces and her bloody body stowed away in my backpack for safekeeping by several Saber-tooth tigers and four … no, definitely five Wooly Mammoths. A different traveler called you policemen just a few minutes later. But as you can see it was in no way my fault. So I’m sure this is all settled, and I really have to be on my way. Any other questions?