JACKO NEWS: Pseudo-intellectual baby pisses everyone off

Pedestrian. That's what this book is.

Conflict has erupted at First Steps Daycare after Tyler Greene, 1, started to become a huge pain in the ass. “At first I was impressed, what with his extensive baby sign language vocabulary and superior motor skills,” said Lulu, 1 ¾, “but now it’s just getting obnoxious.”

According to an anonymous toddler, Greene regularly puts down those in the group who watch Baby Einstein, insisting that reading real Einstein proofs is the way to go. “I dabble in Baby Braille when evaluating theorems, since I’m not cognitively able to read English characters yet.” He went on to elaborate on how juice fasting really rejuvenates your chi (“you have to try it!”) and how Tchaikovksy is a “little too pedantic” for his taste.

Greene’s attitude has clearly annoyed the entire First Steps community. Even after learning how to speak, some of the daycare’s clientele have reverted to old habits in defiance, refusing to communicate in anything but unintelligible gurgles.

“Kljkwweeeeeeeeeeeeeguh,” commented Maria, 1 ½. Very compelling indeed.

Experts assume this new way of speaking is a dialect shift in response to hyper-communicative babies such as Greene, but recommend that further studies should be performed to validate this hypothesis.

Of course the expert is Greene. What a prick.