Within the next five years, find a man. He will be some form of Ryan Reynolds. You will woo him by leaving storybooks of your relationship, coupons for a toenail clipping, and a box of Frosted Flakes to let him know that you “cereasly” love him. This will work, because all men really do prefer scented candles with your picture on it to a lap dance.
Your wedding must include the following: Canopies. Lace. Satin. Tulle. Braids. Tiffany blue. Hair bows. Pumpkins. Cowboy boots. Black lights. Aquariums. Fake boobs. Cinderella references. Kate Middleton. Grass fields. Ocean views. Bacon.
He will whisk you away afterwards in the back of a pickup truck with tin cans hanging from the back to a ten thousand square foot home that is simultaneously located in Palm Beach, Rome, Dubai, and rural Horseheads, New York. There will still be canopies. Monogram everything and organize by size, color, and fiber content to easily identify when your maid steals something. Also, give her some dish soap for Christmas to let her know that you “Dawn’t want to live without her.” It will foster loyalty.
Cosmetics are no longer a means for minor self-improvement; they are to be treated as a form of both self-expression utility. This means your eyes should have hamburgers painted on the lids, and your nails should be shaped into all of the tools found in a Swiss Army knife.
Your child will refuse to eat and will likely contract polio unless you craft their food into other things. Veggie platters arranged to look like Elmo. Pancakes shaped into the endocrine system. Cheese cubes carved into Michaelangelo’s David.
It is insufficient to prepare any meal that does not have at least four modifiers for the main ingredient. Preferred words include cheesy, stuffed, buffalo, mini, savory, skinny, and Nutella. Even though you will have a fully stocked kitchen with perfectly good appliances, you will make your food in other random shit. Cupcakes in your microwave. Hashbrowns in your waffle maker. Salmon in your dishwasher. Find a way to make all of this vegan and gluten free.
Even with your gourmet cooking, you will maintain the abs of Jillian Michaels and the ass of Beyonce. You will do so by doing 10 jumping jacks, 10 burpees, 10 sit ups, and 10 push ups before every shower, because that is all it takes to be a “lean, mean, fat burning machine,” much like your George Foreman Grill.
When in doubt, you will no longer stress. Just take a Mason Jar, cover it in glitter, and hang up yet another “Keep Calm” poster. Perfection.