12 Uses for a Christmas Fruitcake

Really, do anything except eat it.

by Charlie Rafkin ’16

1. Insert into food processor; add myrtle; add 30 shots of absinthe; get fucked up.

2. Mold fruitcake into flip-flops for dorm bathroom. Nothing is quite so supple as a fruitcake. Bonus: the mixture of cherry fruitcake, mold, and shower water is scrumptious. Not that strawberry shit though. Never that strawberry shit.

3. Stick fruitcake upon Christmas tree in ironic protest of religion.

4. Stick fruitcake upon non-Christians in ironic protest of heathenism.

5. Stick fruitcake upon family dog in ironic protest of dogs.

6. Smash fruitcake on Uncle Dave’s drunk-ass girlfriend the next time she mentions her own goddamn traditions at our goddamn Christmas dinner.

7. Let congeal. Wear as hat.

8. Let congeal; place under shirt; pretend you have really tasty boobies.

9. Stick fruitcake upon fruitcake in ironic protest of fruitcakes.

10. Mash fruitcake into soupy substance with your teeth and gargle. After having removed Nana Camille’s dentures, lovingly spit fruitcake mush into her gaping, clamoring gullet.

11. Insert roofies; feed to rhinoceros; slay rhinoceros; skin rhinoceros; fashion rug; rest weary feet upon rhinoceros carcass.

12. In a true display of Christmas spirit, open a fruitcake kitchen. Share poisoned fruitcake with the homeless.