To the American Public:
I, Jonathan Seltzer, direct descendant of soda water pioneer Isaac Seltzer, believe the time for secrets is no longer. For two and a half centuries, my family has kept hidden the coveted formula behind my great-great-great-great-grandfather’s crystal ambrosia. I tell you now, on this historic 250th anniversary of Isaac Seltzer’s discovery, that there is one ingredient that makes seltzer seltzer. It is this one ingredient that led Benedictine monks to declare they were “drinking the stars,” and prompted Washington himself to insist that in seltzer lie the sparks of freedom. This one ingredient, dear drinkers, is bubbles.
Yes, bubbles. Tiny gaseous spheres. In seltzer’s case, they are of same stuff air is made of. Many of you might be familiar with bubbles from your household bathtub or common aquarium. You might ask, “Does that make my tub and fish tank full of seltzer?” To that we issue this statement: The Seltzer Company cannot condone drinking from any bathtub or aquarium.
It is with this message that we put to rest the countless myths surrounding seltzer’s ingredients. There is no uranium in seltzer. Seltzer is not electrified, and will not fry your brain if you drink it. There are no tiny anguished souls of Native Americans in your seltzer. Just bubbles.
Now while this revelation may set off a slew of imitators, we are confident that our bubbles are of the highest quality. Each seltzer bubble is pressurized from high-concentration sea level air found near our bottling factory in Breezy Point, Brooklyn. While some of our competitors might try to gussy up the fundamentals with sugary syrup, artificial coloring, and computer-generated polar bears, they lack the attention to quality and tradition that has made seltzer the #1 non-flavored soda in the world for its entire history.
So go out and have a seltzer. Enjoy the beverage with a newfound appreciation of the care and effort that goes into instilling the drink with each tiny bubble. Try blowing bubbles into a glass of water with a straw. Can’t make seltzer? That’s right. Because only we can. And we’ve been doing it damn good for the past 250 years.