The Alums You Saw At Homecoming

Dartmouth College is celebrated for its ability to foster fellowship between its undergraduates and alumni. Homecoming is a time these alums are welcomed en masse into Hanover with open arms and wallets. After drinking all our alcohol and leaving, we are left to wonder why we were ever friends with those jerks anyway. But as we gleefully  scrounge through the trail of money they left on I-91, we remember why we love them.

Here’s the alumni you probably met this past weekend:

The Friend

You two pretend that they never left, and that they will go on being your cool slightly-older sibling figure forever. Drinking helps pretend-time. You both drink.

The Alum One Year Older Than The Friend

Experienced the height of their emotional fulfillment two years ago. You kind of knew them then, but that was when they weren’t as scarily happy to see you. Pretends all their friends haven’t moved on and grown up. Drinks like someone canned the healing waters of the Fountain of Eternal 20-year-oldness.

The Happy Couple

Whether having just moved in together, or already sporting a Baby Björn and three labradoodles, their stability reminds you of how little you have figured out in your life. They don’t need to pretend anything, because life is la-di-fucking-da for them. They drink anyway.

The Parent

Is white. Will pretend that they never left, and creepily do so in front of their kids. Their children in turn drink away the shame stemming from how drunk their parents get. What a cute family of sloppy drunks!

The Elderly

Is white. Is male. His slipping mind helps him pretend he never left, and that women never showed up. No one else wants to play pretend with him, because his friends are all dead or dying somewhere, a task he knows he will have to go back to once he leaves the comfortable cocoon of his memories.