How To Ooze Sex Appeal

People often ask me, “How do you look so effortless?” To be honest, I just don’t put in the slightest bit of effort! Just let the world see the Real You! Continue reading for my non-solution solutions to look your sexiest:

  1. Buy the cheapest makeup possible. When it runs or makes weird little eye boogers, you can say you were inspired by Kate Moss’ “heroin chic” look in the 90s. Smudged equals stylish! Now your wallet is pleasantly plumper, and you can buy that new bargain-priced shampoo you were eyeing – which brings me to my next point…
  2. If your hair is color-treated, do not use specialty shampoos or conditioners. With a cocktail of cheap hair products, you can finally achieve that lackluster, greenish tone you’ve always wanted.
  3. To amplify the wow factor, just don’t wash your hair. Natural, gunked-up dreads make you look carefree and eclectic! Fight the Man AND bad hair days as tiny insects make a home in your matted locks.
  4. Forget to shave your legs. To entice the endless parade of attractive men in my life, I like to give it at least a week, and then bust out my favorite shapeless shorts every time I take a jog around campus, ensuring that anyone and everyone can admire my shaggy gams.
  5. Refuse to wear contacts, even if you desperately need them. A constant squint is a dazzling look and helps develop a seductive air that drives men wild. Flatter them with your alluring up-and-downs of their tee shirt while you try to figure out what a Modest Mouse could be. I started practicing this glamorous expression at an early age (see right).
  6. Always wear a sports bra. Traditional bras are awful and don’t give you the eye-catching uni-boob you need to attract male attention. Put on a sports bra and strut through the halls; heads will turn at your quietly captivating lack of feminine shape.
  7. Get in a bike, canoe, playground, and/or hide-and-seek accident (I’ve done ‘em all!). Your partially porcelain tooth will provide just the right sparkle for photo ops with all of your new male friends! By shining separately, it makes people question, “What is her tooth made of?” – adding a seductive air of mystery.
  8. Upon contracting the typical fall-term cold, never blow your nose. Your sporadic sniffles act like a teasing signal: Hey, boys! I’m here – full of mucus and feminine allure! Cue swoons.
  9. Be lazy with cover-up. A zit peeking through is your skin’s way of winking!
  10. Don’t be fake. Make sure everyone knows when you’re grumpy, sick, and/or bloated. Groaning “I need Midol” is the mating call of the modern world.

Being a real-life Heidi Klum isn’t hard at all! Just follow my ten simple steps and people will stop and stare when you walk down the street – they do at me all the time! So stand proudly, feel the wind in your pungent dreadlocks and embrace your glamorous future!