Hamlet: Director’s Cut Bonus Content

The following is an excerpt from a recently discovered, alternate manuscript of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

Act 5, Scene 2, Line 317:

Queen: No, no, the drink, the drink! O my dear Hamlet! The drink, the drink! I am poison’d [Dies.]

Hamlet: Here, thou incestuous, murd’rous, damned Dane, Drink off this potion. Is thy union here? Follow my mother. [King dies.]

Laertes: Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet. Mine and my father’s death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me. [Dies.]

Hamlet: O, I die, Horatio. The potent poison quite o’ercrows my spirit. [Dies.]

Milk maid: I heard a clammor, from my chamber. What’s all this noise? [Removes decorative blindfold.] Heavens! O, my frail heart! [Dies.]

Fertrand the Baker: A racket! A racket! At once, explain this rack-JESUS! WHAT!? HAMLET DID YOU KILL ALL THESE- WHAT THE FUCK – NO. NO. – THIS IS – MY PAROLE OFFICER IS GONNA – YOU KILLED YOUR OWN MOM – MAN, I TOLD YOU, I CAN’T BE AROUND THIS KINDA – Awww, this is baaaaad- [Unsheathes mobile phone.] Hey, yeah, Lorenzo? It’s Ferty. You know that cousin of yours? Yeah, with the weird hands – I need his number reaaaal bad right now, yea- What? C’mon Lorenzo, it’s me! Your boy! You know I wouldn’t do you like that- Lorenzo? LORENZO? Wait this isn’t my phone. FU-[Dies.]

Babysitter: For the last time, there’s no monsters in your clos- what the fuck. [Hit atop skull with baseball.]

Protagonist of Disney Chanel Sports Movie: Hey mister! Sorry about the window, but it really means a lot to me to get that ba – say, is that wine up for grabs? [Dies.]

Reluctant side-kick: But I don’t wanna go to fat camp. [Sighs.]

Howard the stoner: Checkout this white shirt. Hey now… [Dyes]

Native American atop garbage pile: [cries]

Wentworth the wayward ribbeldy-badger: Oy there! Hamlet’s done got his chops up in a whole mess-around, yes ‘e does! But, oy! No time for rosey-dozing, I’ve got to g’t back to me chimbley, yes I do! Hip’ip! [Pork'n'Barrels.]

Bill Cosby: Hippety-Flippety! [Fribbety-Frazzles.]

Backwards-Hamlet: [Is born.] Horatio. We must leave this place at once. Right? Horatio? Guys? Seriously. [Guys.]