John Hancock Overcompensates

“The size of your signature conveys the size of your Hancock conveys the size of your FREEDOM!” shouted John from the floor of the Second Continental Congress. The rest of the delegates rolled their eyes. “That pun was preposterous,” sighed Abraham Clark. “He’s trying much too hard.”

“You have no idea,” said Samuel Chase. “I heard he once got his wife a jilly boy for Saint Valentine’s when he couldn’t properly satisfy her himself.”

“That is nothing,” said Button Gwinnett. “I once bet him a shilling he couldn’t chop down a tree of my choosing. He then knocked me unconscious, kidnapped me, put me on a ship to the Spanish territories, and I awoke in a forest full of soft, quite-choppable balsa trees. In my hand was a note asking me to choose a tree from my immediate vicinity. Once I vocalized my choice, Hancock appeared from behind the tree with a golden axe and chopped it down in just under an hour. He made me watch the whole time, sporadically threatening me with his axe. He would not pay my fare to return to the colonies.”

“Ah, you think this is bad,” said Lewis Morris. “I once in jest implied that his grandmother was a strumpet. He promptly presented her to me in the bar in which we were drinking and asked me to solicit sex from her. I was told to increase my offer until she gave in. I tried to back down immediately, but Hancock forced me to continue. It quickly seemed she never would relent to my generous offers, to my satisfaction. Yet on the last offer, she pondered the figure and agreed to lay with me in a room above the bar. Hancock insisted I be a man of my word, and while I and his grandmother did the deed, he shouted from outside the door, ‘You have sullied my family’s honor! You foul and most damned of demons!’” Morris shuddered at the memory.

“This is nothing!” said Benjamin Franklin, laughing. “I once remarked that he would never be as great a statesman as Jefferson. He then murdered ol’ Thom and wore his skin as a disguise. The Thom you see now, who has drafted up the document we are signing today, is actually Hancock in playing a ruse.”

“By God!” said Clark. “Then who, pray tell, is Hancock?”

“A monkey he trained diligently in his own mannerisms!” shouted Franklin, falling to the floor uncontrollably shaking in manic laughter.

And so, America was made. Politics got even weirder.