How to Fix America

If we’re going to cut back on anything this recession, make it the “-ion” so that we’re in a “recess.” Sounds more fun, boosts productivity, fixes the economy.

Everyone could use a little socialism. But don’t let anyone get their hands on your socialism.

Let the Greatest Generation earn that title in Decathlon-style competition. Quiz them on women’s rights, the downfalls of culturally enforced homogeneity, and the Golden Age fallacy. Then have the go-kart race, one-on-one tournament, and wrestling pit.

Consolidate Dakotas.

Replace War on Drugs with War: On Drugs. War would be over before next block of Adult Swim on Cartoon Network.

Pianos! Fuckin’ pianos all the fuck over!