Local Mother Discovers Five Easy Steps to Whiter Teeth!

1. Brush your teeth! Using regular sodium fluoride toothpaste, you can significantly resist the effects of tooth decay and prevent painful cavities! And don’t forget to floss!

2. Tan your face! If your face is darker, friends and family will see your teeth as whiter, plus they’ll envy your beautiful bronzed skin. Regular application of UVA and UVB rays is proven to boost levels of vitamin D, as well as increasing the ocurrence of severe cancers such as melanomas!

3. Never smile! Smiling is what allows other people to see your teeth, and, out of jealousy, ascribe the property of “not-whiteness” to them. If you don’t smile, everyone will assume you have beautiful white teeth! Like a shark! Sharks never smile!

4. Begin sacrificing bodies to the Old Gods! The great thing about Old Gods is that they’re dependable, and you can tell because people have been doing burnt sacrifices to them since before the whole “time” thing. If you can find the right arcane prayer and provide enough pounds of flesh upon the correct bloodied altar, you can get just about any wish granted! Except for another wish, don’t ask for that.

5. Bases! Sodium bicarbonate, or “baking soda”, works to make your teeth whiter because it is basic enough to destroy the nutrients that odor-causing bacteria need! Try stronger bases such as lye or Drano to really remove the stench of plaque and tartar!