I Manage the War Horse

by Cecil R. Oswalt ’12

I Manage the War Horse

Coming out of War Horse, one of the finest classic Hollywood epics ever, I was almost unnaturally excited about the horse who played Joey. Long story short, I now own him and I hardly intend to allow his talent to go to waste. Attached are a few of the letters from my extensive letter-writing campaign to major studio executives.

Dear Jerry Bruckheimer,

I know you’re a busy man so I’ll cut to the chase. I am now the proud owner of Peanut Butter, the horse you might better know as Joey from Steven Spielberg’s epic War Horse. I heard you were shooting a fifth in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” series  and thought my Peanut Butter would be fantastic for a cameo. Far be it from me to  meddle with your genius, Mr. Bruckheimer, but let me give you the pitch.

As you’ll agree Peanut Butter is no stranger to war-scenes and stormy-weather, so he would absolutely shine in an epic battle between Johnny Depp’s buccaneers and the nefarious English Armada. I should note here however that, because of Peanut Butter’s heart condition, he will not be performing any stunts or dangerous scenes whatsoever. That means no jumping off of ships to deliver weapons, no acrobatics in which he fakes being shot, and no loud noises at all in his general vicinity.

You might be thinking: How could I possibly incorporate Peanut Butter into a stormy battle scene under these conditions? Well, just picture this: As the fight comes to a climax, the two sides battling it out and Johnny Depp spouting swashbuckling one-liners, we can alternately cut to Peanut Butter lying down in a comfortable pose in a warm barn filled with hay. He could even be eating carrots, and occasionally whinnying. I can shoot this all from my house.

Also I love fucking horses.

Sincerely,
Cecil R. Oswalt
Agent and Owner of Peanut Butter, the “War Horse”

Dear CEO of Pixar John Lasseter,

I’ll keep this brief. I, Cecil R. Oswalt, manage Peanut Butter, aka the “War Horse”. I read about your recent film Brave on IMDB and realized it was the perfect vehicle for my Peanut Butter. Obviously, you are likely done with the film itself. Fine. However, like all of the Pixar classics, I’m sure Brave will feature an animated short lead-in. This is where Peanut Butter comes in.

I imagine it like this: We begin in the Scottish Highlands in the misty dawn. Suddenly, we hear the thunderous pounding of hoofs as a horse races past the camera. After following it for several minutes, horse comes to a skidding stop at the end of a hill and looks out from the cliff side, its horse eyes wide in awe.

The camera pans to reveal the animated horse is not Peanut Butter, at all! Instead, it is looking out over the cliff at a giant Jumbotron video screen, maybe 5000 feet wide, featuring the live-action face of Peanut Butter. Peanut Butter lies in a warm barn somewhere, whinnying and eating hay and maybe carrots. Peanut Butter looks down profoundly at the animated horse, suddenly tiny and insignificant in comparison.

Fade out to black. On the screen, the following text appears: “Follow your dreams – A Message from Peanut Butter.”

I could fuck those horses right now. Give me the word and I’ll do it. The animated one and the real one.

Sincerely,
Cecil R. Oswalt
Agent and Owner of Peanut Butter, the “War Horse”

Dear Mr. David Milch,

Please don’t throw this letter out. My name is Cecil R. Oswalt. Because of unexpected legal costs, I am currently homeless. But I’m a huge fan of your HBO series! Outside of this, I am also the present owner and agent of Peanut Butter, aka the “War Horse”, aka a future star of a Pixar short and Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Peanut Butter’s Super-silly Aquatic Adventure.

Naturally, then, when I heard of your upcoming HBO horseracing series Luck, I knew I had to be involved. Not only does it have the potential to be a poignant evocation of the human spirit, like so many of your projects, but I would also love to have sex with your horses. Preferably, I would like to have sex with all of them, but if necessary I could limit myself to five, three, or even two horses.

Let me make this clear, Mr. Milch, in case I risk being misinterpreted: I want to fuck your horses. A lot. This message is very important to me, so I hope you understand it. Whether it is on-camera or not is really of no critical value to me. Maybe you want to have me off-screen fucking a horse while Dustin Hoffman delivers one of your legendary Shakespearean monologues, in order to heighten the intensity of the scene, or maybe you would prefer me to have sex with the horses between shoots. So be it. As long as I am having sex with a horse, I will be satisfied.

Peanut Butter has absolutely no bearing on this transaction. To be completely honest, he was taken away from me unlawfully by so-called “animal welfare activists” and “the police.”

As. Fucking. If.

Sincerely,
Cecil R. Oswalt
Former Agent and Owner of Peanut Butter, the “War Horse”