Five Adorable Things to do During Homecoming
1. Complete the Dartmouth High-Fiving Decade (high-five a member of ten consecutive class years)
2. Caress the Fire. Like an infant.
3. Just ask for mixed drinks. Oh, how cute of you.
4. Black out from having just too much fun!
5. Rush the football field, hug the quarterback.
Five Creepy Things to do During Homecoming
1. Complete the Dartmouth Century.
2. Sacrifice a goat to the god Baphomet in the hell-fire.
3. Touch the Fire where it does not want to be touched.
4. Add “in my pants” to the end of other Dartmouth Traditions (e.g. Touch the Fire, Rush the Field, chug beer, etc.)
5. Complete the Dartmouth High-Fiving Decade. Masturbate furiously.
Five Types of People You May See at Homecoming
1. Peepers (tourists here to observe the Fall foliage)
2. Alumnuses, alumnaes, and alluminatis
3. Peepers (tourists here to observe the Fall foliage… right next to Kappa’s window)
4. Arson fetishists
5. Peepers (tourists here to roast Marshmallow Peeps on the bonfire. No, seriously. I’m not kidding officer, that’s what we’re here to do! We just happened to be glancing at that sorority window over there, honest!)