From the first time Man walked out of his cave and realized “Oh crap, its cold.” human beings have clothed themselves in an attempt to stay warm and avoid citations for indecent exposure. As civilization advanced, so did the complexity of clothing. The Egyptian tunic eventually gave way to the English dress shirts which eventually resulted in whatever the hell Bjork wore to the Oscars. In today’s modern society, most people tend to make sane rational choices when it comes to clothing and they use it in its accepted parameters. However, there is one group in our society which refuses to adhere to these rules. Instead, they spit in the face of reason and opt to cavort with the forces of insanity. I speak of course, of the wangster.
Its name is a (not) clever portmanteau of the words “white” and “gangster” and it is an incongruous creature. His entire lifestyle is at odds with society. His speech, choice in music, and seemingly endless supply of capital to buy unnecessary objects often make everyday people question whether he is in fact actually from Earth. The worst part about the wangster is without a doubt his choice in clothing. Let’s start at the bottom with his footwear. Unlike the uncivilized baboons mentioned in the previous paragraph, the wangster’s main choice of footwear is the sneaker. However, the wangster picks the worst sneakers a person can choose to wear. They often have mismatching colors, enough logos to qualify as an advertisement, and are referred to as “kicks.” The last time I checked, “kicks” was a verb. Then again I checked in like 2001 so don’t go by that. Moving on, we go to the pants, or the complete disregard thereof. Upon first beholding the wangster, one might wonder “Why can I see his boxers?” Well, it’s most likely because his pants are at his ankles. The only possible theory I have for this behavior is that the wangster has (incorrectly) calculated his chances for sex to be “all day every day”. Therefore, the wangster must wear his pants low to be ready at all times. (I think) Regardless of the wangster’s reasons, at the end of the day he ends up looking like a fool with his pants on the ground. The wangster’s torso is covered by a shirt so large that the Peace Corps would classify it as a tarp. The designs on these shirts range from a boring monotone color to designs so intricate they make MC Escher look like a second grader with a colored pencil. Such a vast range of t-shirt designs confuses the mind of the average man until he is forced to run outside of his home and scream to the heavens “WHY WANGSTERS? WHY?” but I digress. The wangster’s head often contains enough diamonds to befriend every girl on the planet. They are usually located on his neck and ears with an occasional tongue piercing thrown in there for some reason which shall not be mentioned here. The final component of the wangster’s image is the hat. Often this will be a Yankees hat even if the wangster lives in Alaska. (Thanks Jay-Z!) The hat will be tilted to the side often exposing the wangster to the sun and causing his retinas to burn in a hell they so righteously deserve. Unfortunately, this does not happen as often as it should. One can only hope that a plague of wangster eating locusts will spawn one day and descend to destroy this scourge. If not, we could just ban Ed Hardy shirts. Yea, that’ll work.