By an anonymous tip from “a very important fashion designer”
On a sunny day in 1968 Dallas, Texas, a woman reclined on a grassy knoll, extending her long, ghostly pale white legs to let them cook in the golden heat. She wore a white dress that, incidentally, was not stained by the grass and her blond hair shimmered for all the creepy men watching the Kennedy motorcade to see in case their lusty instincts moved them. You might think this vivacious vixen was the famous sex icon Marilyn Monroe. But alas, it was not.
You see, Marilyn Monroe is merely a code name, invented solely to carry out the deed of this fateful day. The real Marilyn Monroe was in a run-down apartment overlooking the motorcade; this Monroe was a severely obese brunette named Helga Von Strutyoorstuff. She had a mole on her left cheek, which was eerily identical in shape and size to the state of Texas. From that cheek popped out hairs plentiful as the wheat in Oklahoma, and it was with these hairs she brandished her scarlet sniper rifle. The view of the rifle was pointed down at Kennedy, not John–no, no–but Jackie.
Turns out Helga Von Strutyourstuff has deep enmity with Jackie Kennedy; for in the days of old, or 1952, when Helga owned an underground fashion company, Jackie Kennedy broke into the design offices and stole Helga’s plans; using those plans, Jackie Kennedy became the hit of the fashion world. Helga, then, was out for revenge that fateful day.
The hairs on her mole squirmed with anticipation as they rested on the trigger. The great gooey rolls of fat that hung onto Helga’s body sweated heavily. She held her breath.
The shot missed Jackie Kennedy by a fraction of an inch. Did she know that Helga Von Strutyourstuff was out to get her? Perhaps. But some say that as the motorcade came to a halt, they looked up at the apartment and saw an obese, shadowy figure shaking its fist in rage.