1. Get Motivated:
Poor body image can lead to vicious cycles of low self-esteem and weight problems so to get motivated and show up that skinny whore, start your day by telling yourself something you are good at and how you can use that skill to make Julie’s life a living hell. Things like talking to yourself constantly or screaming naked in front of a full-body mirror can help you get motivated, get healthy and get even.
2. Ditch the Drugs:
There is no silver bullet to weight loss. Some “miracle drugs” you see advertised can be completely useless or can even cause serious digestive problems. This includes psychiatric drugs so if you are on any medication, quit it and tell Dr. Kaufman that HE’S a danger to himself and others.
3. Get Active throughout the Day:
Many people are discouraged by excessive workouts so space out your workouts for an added boost. Take the stairs, go for a jog or stalk Julie and Ben on their date. While biting your fist, take solace in the fact that he doesn’t love her as much as he loves you. He could never love her as much as he loves you. Never.
4. Steal that Slut’s Things:
Sneaking in to Julie’s room while she’s sleeping the day before a deadline and taking her computer can burn up to 300 calories, depending on whether you have to run for it. For an extra workout, stand over her bed, clenching and unclenching your hands, and watch her as she sleeps, contentedly dreaming about stealing someone else’s man. Ideally this will result in Julie failing her all her classes and transferring but that satisfaction alone of sticking it to that bitch can give you the extra push you need to lose weight and feel great!
5. Get Your Antioxidants:
Adding antioxidants to your diet can help you burn fat faster and provides you with essential nutrients. Whole grains, berries and teas are all rich in antioxidants and a berry smoothie makes for a delicious after-workout treat!
6. Hit that Bitch with a Bottle:
If all else fails, knock that bitch out. After a little time in lockup for aggravated assault, you and your prison-sculpted abs will be ready for beach season!