Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern

Introducing Tostitos® Brand Salsa and Tortilla Chips: The New Official Sponsor of the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern!

Dear Campus,

The writers at the Jack-O have been known as a lot of things over the years: Sleek. Edgy…Sledgy. We’ve also had innumerable plans of things we would like to buy if we had $123 thousand dollars. Hookers. Swimming pools. Swimming pools filled with hookers instead of water. But perhaps what we’re best known for is our appreciation and patronage of fine lines of authentic tortilla chips and dips.

Only the literal alignment of all the stars in the universe could explain the luck, then, of being approached by an unofficial Frito-Lay® representative of Tostitos® brand tortilla chips and dips. We love lightly salted tortilla chips with no extra flavoring or preservatives that are thus advertised as suitable for dipping, and Tostitos® wanted to target our market of what they—and resultantly we—call “sledgy” adolescents. It was a win-win situation. Or, as they say in Mexico, a viento-viento situation.

We immediately accepted the contract the representatives drew up, which was “surprisingly simple” and “crunchtastic”, as well as providing us with $123,000 dollars. And now we’re on the way to providing the Dartmouth and greater Upper Valley community with up-to-the-minute updates and catchphrases about a company that’s down with hip-hop and way up with savory artisanal flavors.

Some—such as 78% of the observant Jew staff at the Jack-O—might be concerned about claims that Tostitos aren’t kosher because they contain pig-derived enzymes to develop ”unique flavors.” Unfortunately for these individuals, Tostitos and Frito-Lay have a sterling and honored tradition of anti-Semitism, and so they don’t care for the concerns of Jews.

But really why we signed onto this binding contract was not our enjoyment of the productor its pig-extracted ingredients—it was the money.

Another thing a person could possibly state as a reason for legal reasons is that since the beginning of the Jack-O more than a century ago, every single famous member has enjoyed Tostitos® toothsome and nourishing ingredients. From Dr. Seuss’s love of Tostitos® Scoops to Mindy Kalings explicit endorsement of Tostitos® Gold on an autographed bag that we definitely have, Tostitos® is the Dartmouth Jack-O. Yes, Dr. Seuss’s memorable quote “I love how these Tostitos® Scoops allow for the easier scooping of salsa and dips” still is quoted fondly in the Jack-O offices. One could absolutely say this despite the fact that Tostitos® was founded in 1979 and the Jack-O in 1908.

So grab a bag of Tostitos® Spicy Quesadilla tortilla chips, dip it in your favorite Tostitos® brand nacho cheese, and take a hop in the Marlon Brando Jr. Memorial Hooker-Instead-of-Water Swimming Pool.

Because Tostitos®: It’s as American as Mexico.

Sincerely,
The Jack-O Staff

P.S. If you have seen Jack-O Editor-in-Chief President Jim Yong Kim, please ask him to contact us. He has yet to attend any of our meetings since his election, and we are having some minor leadership issues in terms of understanding the Jack-O’s trajectory.