To Kill a Pig

by Tony Mullen '13

Last March, the Mexicans unleashed upon the world an epidemic of unimaginable proportions in the form of novel H1N1, more commonly known as swine flu. Though an estimated 20 billion people have already succumbed to the piggy pandemic, death tolls are still rising. Until the placebo vaccine is released, please use the advice presented here to stay alive and uninfected.

Contrary to the suggestion of the title, the answer to this epidemic lies not in killing pigs, but in “neutralizing” infected humans. Pigs can spread the disease to humans only through sexual contact, so this publication urges all pig lovers to control their urges; humans, however, can infect each other through the exchange of blood or saliva. Easily identifiable symptoms of swine flu include bad skin, slow movement, and an inability to communicate and reason. The infected also tend to congregate and move about in mobs. (NOTE: the infected are not to be confused with first-years.)

shaunofthedead.jpg                               shaunofthedead2.jpg  
Note: Same dazed appearance, lack of decomposing flesh.

Swine flu is an ironic disease, for it makes the infected crave human meat instead of pig. The infected will attempt to eat the uninfected and, for unknown reasons, seem to value the brain more than any other part of the body for food. As noted above, swine flu is transmitted through saliva and blood, so take every precaution to prevent the infected from biting you. IF YOU ARE BITTEN BY A PERSON INFECTED WITH SWINE FLU, YOU WILL BECOME INFECTED YOURSELF.

How then do you protect yourself from the infected? You can run and wait for the epidemic to die down, or you can take an active role and destroy any infected you come across. The only way to kill someone infected with swine flu is to remove the head or destroy the brain. Do not be afraid of killing an infected person, for it is no longer a real human. A person with swine flu is no longer a person.

In the end, swine flu has taught us a valuable lesson: do not have sex with pigs.