What I Had Hoped President Kim's Inauguration Speech Would Be

by Kenneth Baclawski '12

Paul Farmer: Hahaha why yes, that was a funny joke that I said just then. But anyway, I digress. The fourteenth of my seventeen sub-points of section C of my talk is—

(Provost Barry Scherr walks up and takes the mic)

Barry Scherr: (feigning hipness) Yo, Paul Farmer, Imma let you finish, but I just wanted to say that Jim Kim is the best president Dartmouth has ever seen!

(The adults in the audience laugh knowingly. The kids in the audience immediately decide the Kanye joke is no longer cool)

(The Korean Dance Troupe starts playing “Hollaback Girl,” and President Kim makes his way to the stage through much confetti and fist-bumps)

Jim Kim: Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, alumni, students, but most importantly my dog Scruffles, this shit really is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. And by “this shit,” I mean “Dartmouth,” and by “bananas,” I mean “awesome.” Yes, Dartmouth is awesome. A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

(The audience applauds vigorously)

Jim Kim: When I was writing this speech, I visited a class here at Dartmouth and talked to some students about what I should do.  One student said that I shouldn’t tell you just abstract ideals like “work hard” or “try to change the world.” You 13’s want specifics—what exactly should you be doing.  But another student said that I shouldn’t tell you a story about how I went to a class and talked to students about what I should talk about for my speech. Such meta-speeches are trite and hackneyed. I should just tell a normal speech with helpful anecdotes.  But yet another student said that I shouldn’t tell a normal speech or a meta-speech—my presidency is signaling change here at Dartmouth. My speech should be DOUBLE-meta.  So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to tell you some abstract ideals, or even tell you about me telling you them. I am going to talk to you about talking to yourself about talking about ideals—

(One of the 13’s heads explodes)

Jim Kim: Enough serious talk—let’s see if I can fool the Jumbotron’s speech recognizer! Blah blah blah

Jumbotron: Blah blah blah

Jim Kim: Antidisestablishmentarianism! Pyongyang! Honorificabilitudinitatibus!

Jumbotron: Ant I this… establishment… Aryan… Pong… Whore…

Jim Kim: Woo!

(He fist-bumps himself)

Jim Kim: Okay, I’ll make the rest of this brief, cause I got shit to do. I am super-excited to be your new president. Also, I am officially making James Wright my right-hand man. We are going to conquer the world! And by “conquer,” I mean “cure,” and by “the world,” I mean “AIDS!”

(They perform an elaborate fist-bump and get a standing ovation)

Jim Kim: Thanks for coming to my inauguration. You are all invited to my front lawn, where I will run around a gigantic bonfire seventeen times! Kim out!

(He drops the mic to the ground and proceeds to fist-bump adoring fans in the front row)

Barry Scherr: Now, please dance for the Alma Mater.

(Kyle Lad takes the mic)

Kyle Lad: REMIX!

(The Glee Club and Dartmouth Idol winners perform a techno-remix of the Alma Mater)

(The audience almost cannot comprehend the level of awesomeness while they eat free small burrito-like things from the Boloco stand)