The Innocent Abroad

by Donald Roehbling '12


“From the dawn of time we came, moving silently down through the centuries. Living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the Gathering, when the few who remain will battle to the last. No one has ever known we were among you...until now.”
-The Highlander

Hi folks!

I’m spending this fall in sunny Edinburgh, Scotland, where the only things riper and readier for pluckin’ than the oranges are the smokin’ hot women (or “bonnie lasses”).  But I’m a little nervous, because Edinburgh is, as many of you know, the murder capital of the world.  In order to stay prepared and on my guard, I’ve needed to make myself CULTURALLY LITERATE. 

Like, I’d already seen Braveheart, so I thought I knew EVERYTHING there was to know about Scotland.  Turns out, I was only partially right.   

But after watching the film Trainspotting, I am much the wiser.

The Scots are best described as a “mangy” people.  They enjoy all manner of feckin’ and fightin’ and fistin’.  They grow great big bushy birds and dangle their unwashed genitals freely under their kilts.  And that’s just the women.

ZING.

But the Scots have more going on than bagpipes and alcoholism.  Scotland was home to the great Scottish actor, Ewan MacGregor, before he tragically died due to repetitive blows from wooden dialogue, sustained during the filming of George Lucas’ Attack of the Clones. Other famous people are from here—like Liam Neeson, probably. 

But we must not forget the Greatest Scotsman of Them All—and the only one who REALLY knows how to treat a lady—Sir. Sean Connery.  Mr. Connery was the fictional creation of progressively minded author, Ian Fleming, who wished to expose the virulent dangers of British Imperialism, the plight of the Third World, and the perils of male chauvinism.  Mr. Connery was his tool for combating these errors through the use of various gadgets, designed by a mysterious homosexual inventor named “Q.”  Among these inventions was a magic robo-dick that could sniff out neglected Russian housewives and stunt-flying feminists, apparently.  Mr. Connery is now known as the “Gloria Steinem of the North” for some reason.        

I proceed at random:

THE GEOGRAPHY OF SCOTLAND:
Scotland is also known for rolling hills and “peat,” a magical substance which conveys the gift o’ the gab or something.  It also has many four-leaf clovers and Leprechuans, lending it its nickname, “The Emerald Isle” or “Ireland.” 

THE RELIGION OF SCOTLAND:
The Scottish are largely Immortals (with a large Jewish minority), but in the end “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.”  The Immortals battle with each other for supremacy, until the time of The Gathering, when the greatest and last of the Immortals will emerge victoriously.  (The Jews tend to play it cool.)  

NIGHTCLUBS AND ENTERTAINMENT:
As the Scottish band, U2, once said, “Uno, dos, tres (tres), catorce-orce-orce…” “Vertigo,” the anthem of a generation from which these lyrics were taken, describes the Scottish party scene.  You go out there, in your best duds, looking like a young Ricardo Montalban, but then the vibe gets bad, man.  It gets real bad, real fast.  And before you know it, you’re trying to do a speedball cocktail out of your own pee-hole.

Goodnight everybody!

Sincerely,

Donald J. Roebling ’11

*Though Mr. Roebling was previously listed as Donald J. Roebling ’10, he was held back for his involvement in a hilarious Winter Carnival prank that resulted in the hysterical blindness of several Smith girls.