Four Likely Causes of Swine Flu

by Jeff Hopkins '12


4. Iran
 Why they may be responsible:  Because anyone who knows something about diplomacy knows that claiming you made build a nuclear arsenal is always a cover for something far more heinous.  For example, Soviet Union’s former stockpile was merely a cover for a secret government program to create a surplus of attractive female humanoid spy robots, which lonely American males could take as mail-order brides.  Thankfully, this program ended with the fall of the country. 
Why they may not be responsible: If your ultimate goal is to destroy Israel, would you really try to do that with swine. 
Final Verdict:  It’s unlikely Iran started swine flu considering they’re probably too busy oppressing the masses, Twittering, oppressing Twitter, or Twittering about oppression. 

3. The Sport of Soccer
Why it may be responsible: Like soccer, swine flu is a huge deal in Mexico, but not so much in the United States.
Why it may not be responsible: As every shirtless picture of David Beckham can attest, soccer really isn’t really known for making people less healthy.
Final Verdict:  Considering the success of hooliganism, it’s unlikely that soccer would be trying to find another way to kill people.

2.  Cornell
Why it may be responsible:  Because it’s fucking Cornell, that’s why.
Why it may not be responsible:  If Cornell had created swine flu, wouldn’t Harvard have created a way more terrible disease by now?
Final Verdict:  Considering Cornell doesn’t have the ability to perform simple tasks like keeping all its students social security numbers secure, can they really be expected to have the intellectual capacity to start a global pandemic? Exactly.

1. Taylor Swift
Why she may be responsible: Both have been described as “incredibly contagious” and “taking the world by storm”.  Also, you are likely to come into contact with both of them in a frat basement.
Why she may not be responsible:  Can someone who wrote a song as amazingly catchy as “Love Story” be responsible for anything negative in the world? No, no she cannot.
Final Verdict: Highly Likely.  If Hurricane Katrina taught us nothing, it’s that if Kanye West disses you must really have majorly fucked something up in the world.   Now, all we need is to get Beyonce working on a vaccine.